Something I have always found difficult is how when this all began I really had no reason to be depressed. Some people have illnesses that are going to kill them, some people are watching their family members or friends die, some people have no family, Some people have no money. And the worst thing that has happened to me in the last week would be that my doctor wont give me sleeping pills to cure the two-three days of insomnia I suffer from each week.
Because of this I began to mentally humiliate myself to try and snap myself out of it. An example of this would be to tell myself “why are you crying? theres nothing wrong with you, useless piece of shit!” of course, constantly telling yourself you are useless, pointless and not worth it probably isn’t the best way to bring myself out of the black pit of despair. Sadly, this tactic let me indoctrinate myself with hatred.
When you genuinely believe something about yourself, its very hard for that mind set to be changed. People can try and urge you to think differently, but in my heart, I knew that I knew myself far better than any of those people. So I would just nod and agree that they were right, maybe i’m not all that bad, at least it stopped them lecturing me.
The Elephant in the Room