Have you ever been surrounded by people but still felt utterly alone?
I have discovered in the last few years of my life that I am absolutely horrendous at social interaction. I make inappropriate jokes, I swear to often, I’m awkward. oh! and I’m depressed. If you have ever spent any time with me in a social situation you are probably aware that I am pretty impressive at hiding one of the above things. And if you have read any of the other notes here, I’m sure you can guess which it is.
Masking my depression for the purposes of conversation seems to make it hit me like a ton of bricks the second that the interaction is over. I’m not talking about general conversation, talking to people in a situation they are meant to be in I.E school or work. What I mean is when I make plans that involve me having to leave my house and actually make an effort to be a “real” person. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends but I find it incredibly difficult to morph my face in to the correct shapes that people expect when I converse with them. Especially if I’m having one of those days where I have the concentration span of a 2-year-old, or if alcohol is involved.
It’s probably a good thing that I’m fairly good at hiding my despondent side as for those who have actually had to spend time or talk with me, at a point when I can’t hide it anymore will know how utterly irritating, self loathing and basically a massive twat. These are the times I can have an earnest conversations with people about how I am literally the worst person in the world. It’s not that I don’t constantly feel that way, it’s just when I feel that way I can’t disguise it anymore.
Anyway, forward march!
The Elephant in the Room.