One of the most difficult parts about being me is the complete lack of energy I have regardless of what I eat, how long I sleep or how much caffeine I put into my body.
Sadly lethargy is a side effect of depression and one that I really don’t seem to be able to get over. Not only do I often find myself exhausted I have found that more recently I need to be alone far more often than I used to a to snap out of my abjection, this is easy to do at home but as I now spend the majority of my time at work it’s becoming increasingly difficult to give myself the opportunity to snap out of my reverie. since leaving university, my expectancy at work has changed. Prior to this year, I would work 8 hours, Saturday and Sunday, I would spend Saturday avoiding interaction with people, hiding in corners and hiding in the stock room, it was all so much easier then, nobody noticed me, I wasn’t important, I didn’t realise how much I appreciated being forgettable.
Maybe its the fact that post-university life has made me age 15 years in 6 months or that now I don’t have constants to focus on and spend far too much time in my head. But it seems to have become a lot harder to hide and revive my brain, people seem to notice im gone, maybe I go too often, maybe I spend more time trying to make space in my brain to communicate with other people. But more often than not, I just don’t have the brain capacity to be anywhere other than the floor.
In reality this is unfair to everyone I work with as it means I’m not as productive as I could be. Unfortunately I can’t fix my brain. And after 10 years of trying I’m slowly coming to the realisation that things won’t change for me. And that’s ok. It’s ok to be a disappointment.
The Elephant in the Room