I can’t sleep. Please forgive the unintelligibility of this post.
What is the point? I mean really? I’m not sure I know who I am anymore, I’m not sure where my personality starts and the depression begins. I’m not sure If I should exist anymore.
When I was about 10, I was convinced I was in a coma and that everything that happened to me was all a dream. I thought that was the only logical excuse for why I felt so alone, even though I was constantly surrounded by people who were having a sensational time! Obviously, I was not in a coma. I was just to naïve and stupid to realise that my idiot brain was making me feel like the worst person ever. Maybe the coma was wishful thinking, maybe it was my way of thinking that this would end because coming out of the other side of this ridiculous tunnel of bullshit my brain has created would be fantastic. Everything I have yet to break is bending and I can’t clutch at the strands of my sanity any more. I’m falling over the edge and I don’t think anyone can stop me this time, and why would they want to? nobody needs me, I’m easily replaceable, this has become clear to me many times. I need to stop pretending that this mess I have made is worth defending. I’m ready to admit it now, I’m ready to admit that I am just one of those people who wasn’t not meant to do anything important with their lives. I’m just taking the place of someone who deserves my place on earth.
I gave myself 6 months to change things, this was too long yet not enough time to turn things around and so I’m thinking about leaving tomorrow, whatever that means. Sometimes I get the uncontrollable urge to disappear for a few days, I need a break to fix my brain before it’s too late, but I don’t know if I can fix it this time. I can’t change, this is who I am. And if I can’t do it I’m just proving that I am a useless waste of space who should have gone a year ago when I stopped providing anything useful to the world. I don’t need sleep now as soon it will come forever. Sadly these are the recurring thoughts that strike me when I can’t sleep, oh and the merciless march of my brain reminding me that I’m too petrified to follow through with any of this.
I’m not sure why I do this to myself, I guess it’s because I have a stupid brain. I call my brain stupid far too much and the truth is that I’m doing it a disservice. My brain is absolutely fantastic, fantastic at making me feel like shit. it’s also absolutely fantastic at reminding me that I am different and that I am an idiot. So I would like to thank my brain for being brilliant and awful all at once. Without my brain I would not be able to write pretentious drivel like this nor would I be able to make myself feel like the worst person on earth or remind that myself that sometimes I would rather be dead than face the fact that I have let down everyone important to me multiple times.
My brain doesn’t just intimidate me, it intimidates people around me. If my brain was an animal it would be a lion and I would be a zebra, and let’s be honest, how often do you see the zebra win? I hate my brain. I hate the way it makes me feel, I hate myself. I hate what I have written.
I’m so angry at myself for beginning to write this because I don’t know how to end it. Fuck this.
What was that about not needing sleeping
The Elephant in the Room.