After one of the worst days I have had in a long time, which resulted in me writing the most excruciatingly painful thing I have written for a long time, I am feeling slightly better now.
Something I am beginning to realise is when I can and can’t be alone. Prior to this year I didn’t really have to worry about this kind of thing as I spent most of my time with people and when I was finally alone it was more of a relief to finally be alone than me worrying I would do something stupid because I was alone.
Sadly I’m just not as busy as I used to be and this has been difficult for me, I miss writing, I miss learning and I miss reading. I guess in theory there is no reason I can’t do any of these things now, I mean I’m writing now and at the risk of sounding like a motivational poster I guess I’m “learning” all the time, and as for reading. If I could concentrate long enough and motivate myself to actually read a book I would be happy. But I’m not very good at filling my time at the moment, and this is becoming increasingly bad for me. I have realised that when im alone I go from being threat level: moderate to threat level: critical. At the risk of repeating myself, I’m not over my suicidal feelings, but it’s so much easier for me to work through those feelings when I’m able to A) make people laugh so much they don’t realise I am not ok and B) I know that I am not exactly going to slit my wrists in front of someone else.
It’s not always easy for me to be around people, Its pretty hard to tell anyone that I have a paralysing fear that if they let me go home at that point I might end my life, so I don’t I make excuses, and If all else fails I end up at work on my days off. This is my last resort, not because I don’t want to be there, but because its pretty awkward to go to your place of work on your only day off in a week, especially when everyone thinks that your mentally stable and normal. I can stand there and honestly say I literally have nothing better to do than stand in the middle of a shop that I work in and people will laugh at me, like im making a joke. But the truth is, I’m there because if I wasn’t id be going down my list of shops that sell paracetamol for 19p and stocking up on the 3 box limit they each have.
The Elephant in the Room