I have to admit I was starting to get a little worried (As I do, on the occasion this happens) I have woken up the last few days and not felt like I wanted to go drown myself in the shower. Whilst I wasn’t really sure what was happening at the time, I assume now its because I took sleeping pills those two nights.
I tend to over worry about basically everything, it’s an unfortunate trait I picked up from my mother. Well, in reality I am worse than her as she really only worries about things that affect her, and I worry about essentially everyone in my life, almost constantly. In fact, right now I’m worrying my mum secretly reads this and is incredibly offended because she didn’t realise that about herself and now she does and now she is as depressed as me. My brain likes to create stupid scenarios like that, and whilst I know I’m being ridiculous and there is no possible way for her to read this as she can barely turn on a computer. It still depresses me that is a possible outcome of my public writing.
Something I worry about, which on a bad day (such as this) I realise is a stupid thing to worry about it. That on my good days I worry that maybe I’m actually not depressed and I’m kidding myself and everyone around me. I realise I’m being an idiot and having two good days in a row is not a proclamation of remission. Id like to say writing has made me feel better but thousands of words later I still feel as anesthetised by depression as I did when I started.
Im putting my heightened mood down to the fact that I slept better but, sleeping is not the root of my problems. I took the same pills last night, slept for the same amount of time and woke up wanting to repeatedly punch myself in the face. In fact I woke up and reminded myself “congrats, you have made it to another shitty day whilst someone who actually deserves to be alive is probably dying” If I could have got away with giving myself a round of applause I would have, however it would have been a little awkward to have to the answer the question of “why are you clapping and crying?” that would have been inquired.
So In reality the truth is I am depressed (obviously) and not wanting to top myself for two days is just a little reward my brain has given me to deal with the fact that the next week is probably going to be unbearably shit. So, I need to take these days and remember that sometimes, even if just for a few hours. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I guess.
The Elephant in the Room