I find it surprisingly hard to talk about how I feel to pretty much anyone, regardless of how close I am to them. I’m not embarrassed about being depressed, I’m just not good at talking about it.
I think my depression has now gone on so long that if some people in my life did know about it, they would think I was purposely keeping myself this way because I liked the attention. But, I don’t tell anyone about how I feel so I don’t really get any attention, so I think that argument is fairly void, and I’m sure I have already talked about how I’m not very good at reacting to sympathy.
I think depression as a word is used too lightly and that is pretty rich coming from me, a person who uses words like “terrifying” and “fantastic” about 30 times a day. I exaggerate words a lot, but I feel like depression is a pretty strong word, that shouldn’t be used to describe a day when you feel sad. It’s not a feeling or an emotion, it’s an illness.
But the thing is depression is so personal to everyone who experiences it that I’m not going to take that away from anyone who experiences it. I sound like a depression nazi. I just know that there is a difference between lying on the floor of the place you work in a corner because you can’t face talking to human beings anymore and being sad. Sadness may reduce your ability to enjoy things, but depression destroys everything. Sadness is a normal human emotion, it’s inevitable. Everyone feels sad at some point. And depression absolutely crushes pretty much all the things you used to enjoy doing and puts them in a box, on a shelf you can’t reach, in a dark room with no light switch. Oh! And you are also in that dark room, alone and blindfolded and in the middle and unable to find the door.
I didn’t intend this to be a rant about the incorrect use of a word. For the first time since I started writing this I really had no idea what I was writing from the beginning.
But, it is good to talk and although as I said. I find it hard to talk about being depressed, that’s because I just have never really been good at talking and maybe deep down I’m scared, I’m scared that people won’t understand or support me if I tell them. or even worse, they will think I’m pathetic and make me a pity target.
The Elephant in the Room