This is really a follow-up to my last piece, I guess I went off on a tangent last time and now I realise I have missed out something important.
I know people mean well, but I have said before that I’m just not good with pity, I just don’t really know how to react to it. But that’s not the sole reason I don’t talk about my depression. One of the biggest things I always worry about is that If I tell someone how I feel they will think I am trying to bring them down, and that is not what I’m trying to do. I realise I’m not the most positive person in the world, I never really have been. But that’s just me. I like to think that I don’t just talk about my depression. I try to make jokes, I try to make everyone else happy. Sometimes I’m so busy making everyone else happy I forget about myself, but that’s another piece for another day.
I’m lucky that in the last 10 years I have learned that sometimes I have to physically force myself to do things for my own good. I find it funny that considering how mentally wounded I am, I have never had a day off of work. I’ve been asked by my doctor if I would like time off work to recuperate but I have declined. But that’s just because I’m absolutely crap at being bored, especially if I’m alone.
I’m not trying to guilt trip anyone by telling them I’m depressed, and that’s another thing I worry about as I realise that one day I may have to tell my parents about this. Because instead of being sympathetic, they would blame themselves and that is not what I’m trying to make someone do. I know that how I feel is not the fault of anyone in particular, people contribute to my good and bad feelings but overall this is just me. But I’m also not asking to be fixed, personally I don’t think I am fixable. And maybe I don’t want to be “fixed” It’s not that easy to undo 10 years of my brains constant domineering.
Finally, I’m not asking anyone to take on my burdens. I think that is a natural response when someone unloads all of their troubles to you. I like to help people, I like to make people laugh. But I do struggle when people get upset and then I have to comfort them, especially If I have upset them with my problems. And as someone who can’t comfort themself I have literally no idea what to do in this situation. But helping people is something I have always been relatively good at so ill stick to it.
The Elephant in the Room
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