I’m not really very good at looking after myself. Once again, I have run out of medication, now this might not sound like a big deal, but I haven’t taken an antidepressant for about 4 days now so I guess they are starting to leave my system. I won’t take another until next Thursday after I have visited my doctor. I honestly find it quite hard to write when I haven’t taken my pills. It’s strange, I’m not the most motivated person and without fluoxetine in my system I am even less motivated.
It’s hard, because I love writing and I have really enjoyed the last few weeks of expressing myself through writing but today I am struggling to say anything.
My problem is that I only get 1 month of pills at a time. This is hard because I work irregular hours and I have to arrange my appointments around that, but my biggest problem is I am absolutely crap at calling the doctors to make an appointment. I rang them today, I could have rang a week ago, two weeks ago. I should have because now I’m in medication limbo and it’s really not good for me mentally or physically.
Thinking about it, I’m really not coping very well at the moment, Yesterday I sat on the floor at work, during my lunch with my hood up and my headphones on my head and rocked backwards and forwards for 40 minutes. Unsurprisingly nobody thought this was weird. Everyone thinks I’m pretty odd anyway, so they probably just thought this was “normal” for me. For the record, I don’t regularly sit on the floor and rock backwards and forwards.
Whilst I’m not embarrassed to say I have an autism spectrum disorder, it does piss me off when I display typical autistic behaviour, mostly because I don’t think it’s that obvious that I’m on the spectrum. But, when I get severely depressed I do tend to repeat actions, such as rocking, or tapping my foot, or drumming my fingers. I can’t help it, I guess I am used to suppressing some of my more autistic traits, but sometimes my brain can’t conceal them anymore and they just happen.
To re-motivate myself, I bought a new notebook, I’m not sure it will help but I have always been happier planning things physically and then writing them digitally. I also plan to be more proactive in making doctors appointments for not just my sake, but the sanity of everyone around me.
The Elephant in the Room