My Conscience is Vicious

Dear Reader,

So I need to face facts. I can’t carry on taking caffeine pills to bring myself up when I’m down. My body is getting used to the caffeine intake and its lasting about an hour before I crash quite severely.

Right now I’m hiding in “my corner” in the stock room at work. Pretty much proving to myself that I definitely can’t cope. Luckily no one has realised that my heads that messed up that I have been down here for a good 10 minutes. I can’t physically move myself out of here right now. It’s difficult because I know it’s not fair to the other people who work here and I hate that. I like to think that I’m one of the few people here that generally does work hard. But it’s hard for me knowing that I’m taking time out to basically cry on the floor about nothing. I have no reason to be upset now, I just am. And that’s the problem with depression. The worst case scenario is someone will one downstairs and see me sitting cross-legged in a corner tapping my foot off the ground, and crying, but it won’t because thankfully I can hear when someone leaves the shop floor giving me enough time to stand and look busy.

Sometimes I realise how truly useless I am and how good I am at masquerading as a good employee. I’m a fairly shit one, to be honest, I’ve spent probably 20% of the last year (of work shifts) hiding in the stock room. In the past people have suggested counselling, different pills, exercise and sleeping and I’ve tried these things and nothing has helped me change the way my mind works. Maybe it’s not a case of finding a solution to my problem, but learning to live with it?

It’s unfair of me to hide for 15 minutes in the stockroom, but isn’t it unfair for me to have to do more than stand next to the tills or pat some rails of clothes? I’m digressing and justifying my inappropriate behaviour and that’s the worst thing to do. I shouldn’t justify it because I shouldn’t be doing it. My conscience won’t let me justify it any longer.

All I know is that the 40-60 minutes of being active is not worth the sole shattering sadness, emptiness and utter hatred of myself that follows it. But it’s not just the hatred it’s the weird caffeine induced sickness I get afterwards. Feeling dizzy and light-headed like I’m going to pass out and then the annoying sense that I might vomit if I do anything but sit in the same place. Worse still. Standing/sitting actually makes it worse because then it feels like the room is spinning and that isn’t the best feeling. I need to stop taking these pills the drawbacks are outweighing the benefits.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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8 thoughts on “My Conscience is Vicious

  1. Sure it would be easy for people to judge you for hiding in the stockroom, but they don’t know what you’re going through either. I can relate to your feelings. It is easy for people to make suggestions to you about how to get better. I firmly believe that food is the best medicine, etc., but it’s generally not something that works overnight and it is NOT easy. I have had severe anxiety before even while eating my veggies. That being said, I still think you should persist in your efforts, or try new things. It won’t be easy, but you can do it! Thoughts and prayers your way!

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  2. Writing about depression is one good way of dealing with it. The more we understand about ourselves the easier it is to cope. I believe we have to learn to live with it.
    I no longer drink caffeine. Maybe it helps mood wise. Some days I think it does other days I think it doesn’t matter. I have had 4 cups in two months otherwise caffeine free.
    As theredeemerlives suggests food is medicine. Eating better. This is something I need to work on too. But it is hard to eat well when depressed so take it day by day. All the best. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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