I feel like there are two very different sides to me. There is the me that most people know, “the show” the people who see this side think I’m doing great, they think I’m happy and doing well. But as this blog has displayed that is just a front that I put on so as not to worry people. I spoke before about how I put people’s feelings first, this includes me pretending I’m fine so they don’t worry. But there are a “lucky” few people who have seen the “real me” the me that really isn’t all that happy and hasn’t been for a long time now.
My depression has evolved since its debut in my life, back then it was something that made me want to be alone and listen to sad songs, I didn’t understand what made me want to do this at the time, I thought I just liked sad songs, but I see now that it was at this point I developed my second skin. My depression skin.
I got my first CD Player for Christmas, in fact, it was a strange year my parents bought me a Spice Girls CD and told me, as we didn’t have a CD Player, id have to go to my grandparents house to listen to it. And then as a surprise they got me a CD Player and I loved it. I went shopping a few days after Christmas and spent my money on Smash Hits 94, featuring such hits as Let’s Get Ready to Rumble by PJ and Duncan and Don’t Turn Around by Ace of Base, on the same day, my Mum bought The Mamas and Papas Greatest Hits and insisted I would love it as she loved the lead singer’s voice. I was apprehensive, but as I hadn’t paid for the CD I didn’t really care.
I’m not sure what, aged about 5 made me listen to a CD of folk music by a band from the 60’s but I did, and I enjoyed it. As the years went on I kept going back to this CD. And there was one song that for some reason really stood out for me and I would listen to it on repeat. And I completely forgot about that song until very recently when I wrote a post called “More Than Glad to be Unhappy” which is a line taken directly from one of the Mamas and the Papas songs. Writing that post got “Glad To Be Unhappy” stuck in my head so I dug out the CD and had a listen. When I heard the song “Look Through My Window” I suddenly had flashbacks to sitting on my bedroom floor listening to the song on repeat. It’s a real typical depression song. You know on TV when you see someone depressed looking through a window whilst it rains? Well, that’s basically the idea of the song. It’s funny how something that seems so insignificant as a child really was the point I started to grow my second skin.
And so, it’s been 20 years since I was 5 years old. I always thought I got depressed more around the age of maybe 8 or 9, but maybe not. Maybe I have always been depressed. It seems depression has become my friend not my enemy in my journey through life. Its become a bit of an influence, a soul shattering, mind numbing inspiration that has helped me express things in a way I never thought I would be able to.
The Elephant in the Room