As I said before, the next 3 days are going to be pretty bad. I didn’t sleep very well, so I think they come down from the caffeine pills isn’t in full effect yet. I don’t want this to become a daily diary, but I feel like the next 3 days are going to be significant in showing my mood changes. Today is day one of my three days off, the only thing I have planned today is to visit some of my old college friends for pizza and a drink. So I’m splitting today into two different sections, I think there will be two definitive parts of the day.
————————–Pre Social Interaction————————
I woke up feeling ok, according to my sleep cycle app my sleep quality was 77%, surprisingly, this is about 10% higher than usual. I did lay in bed for a good hour before I got up. Mostly because my laptop and headphones were downstairs and I had nothing in my bedroom to do. Currently I’m sitting on the sofa writing, making a list of things I need to by the end of the day. I’m drafting this post up online, which means I will need to write the physical copy later on. In all honesty, I’m feeling quite good right now. I’m not going to say I’m excited about seeing human being today, but I’m feeling slightly more elated than usual.
Of course I know from past experience that at the conclusion of most social interactions I generally feel about 100% worse than I did before it happened. But, this is good for me because more recently I have wanted to hide away and not get out of bed. I wanted to go back to being a recluse. Considering I haven’t taken my antidepressants for two weeks, I’m feeling surprisingly happy.
I still have a cold, as well. I still have a blocked nose, which is still annoying me, ive probably used a whole rainforest of tissues already and I will add to that.
————————–Post Social Interaction————————
I have become far too predictable. I knew that post my social interaction, I would be unhappy. Don’t get me wrong, I did enjoy it, for the first part and then I grew gradually more annoyed and withdrawn because my brain just wanted to go curl up in bed and be alone. I was home by 8:30, this is weird for me, I’m generally a last bus kinda girl. But as I said, my brain just wasn’t co-operating, I’m finding it hard to concentrate now. It seems all of that happiness I experienced earlier has completely disappointed and I have realised that I really wasn’t happy this morning I was just covered by a thin veil of excitement that refocused my attention. And now that that moment is over I am back to feeling exactly as I did yesterday. Sad, frustrated and tired.
And even worse, ive sat here writing this and I’m not concentrating so I know that it’s probably all over the place because all I can think of doing is cutting myself. I haven’t had these thoughts for a while, but the urge is there. My brain needs to stop. Maybe I should just go to sleep.
The Elephant in the Room