Reality vs My Brain

Dear Reader,

Being an emotional wreck means that occasionally people discover that I am emotionally unstable, whilst I can count on one hand the amount of people who have seen me really crack. It doesn’t make it any easier.I’ve touched on this before in the Mental Humiliation post, about how my brain seems to need to constantly remind me that I’m not ok. I’ll have a good day and it will make me feel guilty or I will laugh about something and it will scowl at me and remind me that I’m not happy.

But my brain is a really weird place to be. At the time of writing, I know what I‘m about to write is stupid, In fact if I was reading anyone else write it id probably tell them that they were looking at things all wrong and of course people care. In the Mental Humiliation post I spoke about how I was mentally humiliating myself, something which is fairly stupid but, sadly how my brain works.

But worse than humiliating myself is the way my brain interprets what other people are saying to me. When people say things like “how are you?” my brain hears this “why are you not dead yet?” or “what are you doing this weekend?” “Are you going to kill yourself?” I know that’s an absolutely ridiculous way to interpret people’s questions, but in all honesty for me to know that it’s ridiculous and my brain to continue to feel that way I guess that deep down it is how I feel, it’s not just my brain that’s how I think people feel about me.

I guess my suspicion of people comes from the Aspergers, but also I think it comes from the relationship with my Mum. My Mum never asks if I’m ok, she never asks about my day, my Mum will tell me about her day and if I tell her about mine she will interupt with stories of hers. If I say I’m ill, such as when I told her recently I couldn’t breathe because of my hay-fever and her response was “Well, you will have to go to the doctor then!” my Mum doesn’t do sympathy and maybe that’s why I’m so terrified of it, I’m just not used to it and because of that I can’t differentiate between sympathy and pity.

What I really need to work on is to understand that I some people do genuinely want to know if I’m ok, I mean it shouldn’t be that foreign a concept to me I ask people if they are ok all the time and I genuinely mean it. I think my biggest problem is that I generally see a lot of negative intentions in people, not everyone. But  I know a lot of people in my life have no interest in me.

I’m not explaining it properly so here is a better example. I ask customers if they are ok constantly when I am working, I don’t really care if these people are ok. It’s my job to ask, I’m providing a service im trying to convince these people to spend money and keep me in a job. Is it selfish to feel that way? Yes, probably. But that’s probably my Aspergers. In contrast If I was to ask a friend if they were ok, I would mean it. I want to know if they are ok. And if they aren’t I‘m going to say something stupid to attempt to make them laugh because laughter is far easier for me to deal with than tears.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

 

 

 

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20 thoughts on “Reality vs My Brain

    • I have to agree with this point.

      While ultimately, you can never arrange the external world so perfectly as to remain happy, you always have sovereignty over your perceptions (even if it feels like you do not).

      Remember that the mind is just warping the present moment in line with its past experiences because it does not question objective fact.

      Inherently, it is very difficult to unwind the unconscious mind so that sufficient relief may be felt; indeed, it is impossible to maintain a positive focus when you are also devoting a portion of that limited focus towards past negativity. This is why I believe psychoanalysis to be of limited use.

      Relief is a two pronged approach: realign your focus away from negativity (past or future) and also detach from the mind as much as possible. This last point is crucial, because the mind will forever entangle you with its details, and you will never find a solution within its depths: you must disengage with it as much as possible.

      I found success by just observing its tumultuous nature, rather than getting involved with it and perpetuating its momentum.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. ” I ask customers if they are ok constantly when I am working, I don’t really care if these people are ok. It’s my job to ask, I’m providing a service im trying to convince these people to spend money and keep me in a job.” Um, that is “normal” behavior, not the Aspergers. Many people ask “How are you?” and don’t really want to hear the answer.

    Anyhoo, I’m sorry your Mum isn’t more sympathetic. I’m lucky to have a great mom. I still have issues with depression and anxiety because #1 it’s in my genes, it runs rampant in my family and #2 my father was verbally abusive to us when we were kids. He would yell and scream, trow temper tantrums, speed while we were in the car with him, he even had a fist fight with my older brother.

    But enough about me. Hugs to you. Wish I could give you a real one!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for reading 🙂 Its really interesting to hear other peoples stories, my dad is quite silent and to be honest, I think he probably (any my mother to an extent) both deal with mental illness, but they are the kind of people that just don’t really understand it and so refuse to acknowledge it. It’s a shame, I think they are too set in their ways to change the way they think about mental illness.

      Liked by 2 people

      • XOXOXO Unfortunately there is a huge stigma still and many people think they have to live in sorrow, deny that they are hurting. In addition to that, the medical profession knows very little about mental illness. There are a lot of quacks out there. My father went to a psychiatrist for thirty years who did nothing to actually “treat” the illness other then commit him and give him shock therapy. It didn’t work.
        I wish your parents could see that help is out there. I’m glad your writing. It really is cathartic. XOXOXO

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  2. I can relate. I see ‘how are you’ as a trick question too much and agonise over how to answer it and rebel against just politely saying fine, because that feels like a lie. I’m beginning to ease off on calling myself neurotic, because I read that bipolar people have more empathy than others and that we feel more intensely. I didn’t think anything you said here was even slightly stupid (if it is, I’m right there with you). I’m glad you wrote it.

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  3. There are two forms of “are you ok'”… the socially expected one and the heartfelt one. The trick is to identify the ones that are genuine. Think about your tendency to answer… the ones where you reflexively say, “good,” fulfilling your part of the superficial exchange are the expected ones. The ones where you want to answer with some emotional content are the heartfelt ones. With those all you can do is take the question at face value and answer truthfully.
    http://jwolffblog.wordpress.com

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  4. I want to say thanks for reading my blog and I hope it has help you in some way to figure out your struggles with depression too. I was reading through your comments and depression is hard work but I think it creates some of the most beautiful minds. keep up the wonderful work darling ❤ #itsworthit

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  5. One thing I learned from my psychiatrist is that you are not wrong for looking at things the way you do. You see it that way because you are affected by it that way.

    The joys of being “mentally unstable” are that you are more in touch with your emotions and feelings…even if you don’t openly broadcast them.

    I don’t explain things well either and what makes sense in my head always comes out as jumbled mush. It is frustrating, especially when only a handful of people TRULY understand you.

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  6. I really wish the world could empathize with people with mental illness. We are everywhere, though some of us can hide it for brief periods of time. The stigma of mental illness can only change through blogs such as yours that talk honestly about the struggles of your mind’s reality (which is the only one that really matters.) Thank you for your post.

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