Being an emotional wreck means that occasionally people discover that I am emotionally unstable, whilst I can count on one hand the amount of people who have seen me really crack. It doesn’t make it any easier.I’ve touched on this before in the Mental Humiliation post, about how my brain seems to need to constantly remind me that I’m not ok. I’ll have a good day and it will make me feel guilty or I will laugh about something and it will scowl at me and remind me that I’m not happy.
But my brain is a really weird place to be. At the time of writing, I know what I‘m about to write is stupid, In fact if I was reading anyone else write it id probably tell them that they were looking at things all wrong and of course people care. In the Mental Humiliation post I spoke about how I was mentally humiliating myself, something which is fairly stupid but, sadly how my brain works.
But worse than humiliating myself is the way my brain interprets what other people are saying to me. When people say things like “how are you?” my brain hears this “why are you not dead yet?” or “what are you doing this weekend?” “Are you going to kill yourself?” I know that’s an absolutely ridiculous way to interpret people’s questions, but in all honesty for me to know that it’s ridiculous and my brain to continue to feel that way I guess that deep down it is how I feel, it’s not just my brain that’s how I think people feel about me.
I guess my suspicion of people comes from the Aspergers, but also I think it comes from the relationship with my Mum. My Mum never asks if I’m ok, she never asks about my day, my Mum will tell me about her day and if I tell her about mine she will interupt with stories of hers. If I say I’m ill, such as when I told her recently I couldn’t breathe because of my hay-fever and her response was “Well, you will have to go to the doctor then!” my Mum doesn’t do sympathy and maybe that’s why I’m so terrified of it, I’m just not used to it and because of that I can’t differentiate between sympathy and pity.
What I really need to work on is to understand that I some people do genuinely want to know if I’m ok, I mean it shouldn’t be that foreign a concept to me I ask people if they are ok all the time and I genuinely mean it. I think my biggest problem is that I generally see a lot of negative intentions in people, not everyone. But I know a lot of people in my life have no interest in me.
I’m not explaining it properly so here is a better example. I ask customers if they are ok constantly when I am working, I don’t really care if these people are ok. It’s my job to ask, I’m providing a service im trying to convince these people to spend money and keep me in a job. Is it selfish to feel that way? Yes, probably. But that’s probably my Aspergers. In contrast If I was to ask a friend if they were ok, I would mean it. I want to know if they are ok. And if they aren’t I‘m going to say something stupid to attempt to make them laugh because laughter is far easier for me to deal with than tears.
The Elephant in the Room