It’s day 2 of my self exiled attempt at relaxing. As you probably saw from yesterday I’m not relaxing, I’m depressed, more depressed than usual. I have nothing to focus on, but I’m anxious about my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I’m struggling to sleep and I hope that seeing a different doctor once again will result in some form of sleep aid and not a reassuring pat on the back that it’s a side effect of an illness I’ve had for longer than the time this doctor has practiced. Surprisingly, I know the side effects of this illness. I have experienced them many a time and do not need anyone to tell me what I am experiencing.
I woke up feeling pretty down, I no longer want to cut myself, sleep must have got it out of my system. I am however still in bed. Currently I’m leaving the sanctuary of my quilt to change the record on my record player. I don’t have a working CD player in my room now and all of my music is on my main computer downstairs. Of course, as vinyl generally has only around 5 songs per side, I’m getting up far more than I would normally. I say getting up, the record player is actually right next to my bed, but its high up so I have to at least kneel up to change the side.
My goal for today was to find more bloggers who needed help, in the last few days I’ve found commenting on others depression posts has really helped me too. But today I can’t face it, I’m struggling to write this. I just want to lie in bed and do nothing.
I took a nap, I was hoping it would make me feel better, I set my arm for an hour after I put my head down. I woke up 50 minutes after having slept for probably around 10 minutes. I woke up feeling worse, everything feels hazy and I know I have an incredibly grumpy look on my face because I can feel it. I can’t even be bothered to get up and eat and drink. And I need to because I haven’t today and now its 8pm.
I’m now feeling even worse than I did last night, I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I can’t even think of things to write. Tomorrow is the last of my three days and the way I’m feeling now, I think I would be better off if I just didn’t wake up.
If I could go to sleep. Sleep hasn’t come to me tonight. My brain is really getting the better of me at the moment.
The Elephant in the Room.