Quarantine: Part 2

Dear Reader,

It’s day 2 of my self exiled attempt at relaxing. As you probably saw from yesterday I’m not relaxing, I’m depressed, more depressed than usual. I have nothing to focus on, but I’m anxious about my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I’m struggling to sleep and I hope that seeing a different doctor once again will result in some form of sleep aid and not a reassuring pat on the back that it’s a side effect of an illness I’ve had for longer than the time this doctor has practiced. Surprisingly, I know the side effects of this illness. I have experienced them many a time and do not need anyone to tell me what I am experiencing.

I woke up feeling pretty down, I no longer want to cut myself, sleep must have got it out of my system. I am however still in bed. Currently I’m leaving the sanctuary of my quilt to change the record on my record player. I don’t have a working CD player in my room now and all of my music is on my main computer downstairs. Of course, as vinyl generally has only around 5 songs per side, I’m getting up far more than I would normally. I say getting up, the record player is actually right next to my bed, but its high up so I have to at least kneel up to change the side.

My goal for today was to find more bloggers who needed help, in the last few days I’ve found commenting on others depression posts has really helped me too. But today I can’t face it, I’m struggling to write this. I just want to lie in bed and do nothing.

I took a nap, I was hoping it would make me feel better, I set my arm for an hour after I put my head down. I woke up 50 minutes after having slept for probably around 10 minutes. I woke up feeling worse, everything feels hazy and I know I have an incredibly grumpy look on my face because I can feel it. I can’t even be bothered to get up and eat and drink. And I need to because I haven’t today and now its 8pm.

I’m now feeling even worse than I did last night, I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I can’t even think of things to write. Tomorrow is the last of my three days and the way I’m feeling now, I think I would be better off if I just didn’t wake up.

If I could go to sleep. Sleep hasn’t come to me tonight. My brain is really getting the better of me at the moment.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Quarantine: Part 2

  1. I’m glad that you’re here expressing yourself and addressing your feelings. I had days like that where I felt like I couldn’t do anything. Counseling wasn’t working and neither was doing anything I enjoyed. I just want you to know that you matter and what you have to offer to the world matters. Keep your head up and stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am proud you could write what you feel as it’s happening because you’ll see in a few months from now when you look back that this is depression taking control. you are strong than it is, that I promise. I had a day like this yesterday and I legit cried because my boyfriend made me go outside. sometimes bed feels like the only acceptable place to be because it’s the only thing that doesn’t seem to hurt as much. next time you feel like this, fight it. try to do something simple for yourself like fixing your hair or make up to make you feel good. i’m a strong believer in manifesting what you want on the inside out. don’t focus on the bad feeling.. find the slightest bit of good or happy and fucking run with it. you’ll see that the little things are really the big things. ❤ fml

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, you are right, I think when I look back I will see that this was one of those days. Today began very similarly but I have seen a doctor today and I’m already feeling a little better. 🙂 I will post my current feelings in part 3 tonight. Thank you for reading and commenting.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s