It’s day 3, the final day. I see my doctor today. But not for another 6 hours. I’m still in bed, I didn’t sleep well again and I’m beginning to get frustrated. I’m worried about going to the doctors alone because now I’m overly tired, which means I’m going to cry uncontrollably or get really angry and yell. The only way to explain how I feel right now is to say that my head feels fuzzy like there is something covering my brain and not allowing it to work. I’m not embarrassed to admit that I talk things over with myself in my head sometimes, but at the moment my brain is so fragmented that besides writing this post I can’t remember any thoughts I have had since I woke up.
All I have ever wanted to do was make people happy, I know I can do that whilst being depressed because I do on a regular basis, well I like to think I do. But I can’t even concentrate on trying to make people happy, not that anyone else is here now, everyone is at work. I said yesterday that I had tried to help the depressed bloggers of WordPress by sending positive vibes their way via comments. But today it is too hard to form complete sentences out loud, never mind meaningful sentences to other people. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow, post doctors trip and after I receive my medication. I am determined to make an appointment before I run out this time, and If I don’t I want everyone to remind me how much of an idiot I am for letting this happen once again.
I am feeling much better after visiting the doctors, maybe it’s because I forced myself to have my first shower since last Saturday, or that I finally washed my hair and it smells like strawberries. Or maybe it’s the fact that a doctor finally listened to me when I broke down and told them I wanted to kill myself and that I hadn’t got out of bed for two days. Today I finally feel like I have been taken seriously, I have been prescribed sleeping pills (Zopliclone) and I am now on 40mg of (Fluoxetine) Of course, my break down did have some side effects I have to return to the doctors in two weeks (or less if my suicidal / self harming feelings get worse” I have only been given 6 sleeping pills and 28 fluoxetine capsules. I return to the doctors on September 16th, two days before my 25th birthday. AKA, my least favorite day of the year.
I know enough about sleeping pills to know it would be unfavorable for me to take them tonight as I have to be up at 7AM to get to work, of course I also have to be up at 7AM for work on Saturday, and then up early to visit family on Sunday, so my first chance to take my sleeping pills safely will be Sunday night. As long as I don’t drink, as apparently that makes increases the effects, Sunday will also be better as it means there will be someone with me, to wake me up if I over sleep (I start work at 2pm)
The Elephant in the Room