Here Comes the Anxiety

Dear Reader,

This is incredibly hard for me to write, but I know writing helps me acknowledge the truth about certain things that are happening with my mental health. Often these concerns are facts that I am not really ready to deal with emotionally. But, sometimes facing the truth is better than hiding behind it and pretending it’s not happening.

I have started having minor panic attacks. This might not sound like much, but it shows a huge regression in my condition, and that’s bad because I honestly thought I had been doing really well. I thought that despite my recent bouts of severe depression, that I was actually improving mentally.

I’ve suspected for a while that I have been developing some form of social anxiety, I’ve been avoiding people, staying in bed longer than I should and not wanting to go to work. But today, for the first time I truly realised the severity of my “new” condition.

When I was younger, I can’t pinpoint the exact age, Sometimes, when I was surrounded by a lot of people, or I had to talk in front of the class or even sometimes just randomly for no reason I would suddenly feel like I wasn’t ok and that I wanted to be at home lying on the sofa with my blanket and a milkshake. I used to refer to it (in my head as I never told anyone about it) as the “milkshake feeling” (I used to drink nothing but strawberry milkshake from about the age of 3-12) I hadn’t had the “milkshake feeling” for a long time but yesterday I had it twice.

It doesn’t last long, but it makes me feel like I need to get away from things, I feel like I want to go and lie on the floor, and curl up or hide, I feel scared, like I’m going to lose control and start crying and all I can think about is being in the one place that I must assume is “safe” my sofa. With the things that made me happy as a child. Is this a panic attack? I don’t know, but what I do know is that sometimes this is accompanied with a breathless feeling and worry and it is panic induced.

Today I was on the bus, I sat down and suddenly I became breathless I was worried because I thought people were staring at me and thinking I was weird and then I started to worry that I was going to collapse on the bus because I wasn’t breathing properly so, I tried to stop hyperventilating which of course made my breathlessness worse until eventually it subsided. And all the time during this, I kept getting that milkshake feeling. I didn’t want to be on the bus, I didn’t want to be at work. I just wanted to be at home, alone on my sofa. I wasn’t even breathless because I was panicking! I had just become randomly breathless.

I think the “milkshake feeling” is a nostalgic feeling of being content. It reminds me of when I would have a sick day from school and I would lay on the sofa (with my milkshake) and watch TV. I guess I felt safe because I was indoors, happy because I wasn’t at school and looked after because I was a child and my mum was there watching TV and making sure I was ok, of course, this is different now and I wouldn’t expect her to drop everything and look after me if I threw up a few times. It’s that feeling of safety that I guess is my brains go to juncture when I really start to panic.

I think maybe I should have taken those days off of work when they were offered me by my doctor last week. But then again, maybe not. Work distracts me and that is something I really need, but also I think if I had time off of work, I would get used to it and then I would become too anxious to go back. My mental health is a vicious monster sometimes.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

 

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16 thoughts on “Here Comes the Anxiety

  1. agree with the comment above. And its wonderful you are working. I miss it, think of it as a really positive thing, you are adding something to the world, making a mark in society. This is one reason I blog. And you are doing that too !. Years back, I went through a phase of this. I have no idea why, I still can’t explain it. It went on for months, but thank God its never happened since. SO I believe whole heart you will come out of this. Believe in yourself, you are something, an amazing person, have confidence in yourself, and it will help it subside.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I totally understand the milkshake feeling. Pretty much exactly how I’ve been feeling recently, only I’ve felt unable to even leave the house. Little victories help! Going to the local shop for example, then venturing further next time. Thanks for sharing, I know how difficult it is sometimes to explain.

    StressyBecky

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  3. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. I totally understand. You have been following my blog so you know a bit about my journey. I personally would recommend you talk to your doctor. I know how hard it is to make yourself get out and go anywhere. I’m proud of you for pushing through and doing that. But, if you need to take some time it does not make you any less of a person. You also have to take care of yourself whatever that looks like. We all handle depression differently and it is not ours to tell you what is best for you. Just to give you all the support we can give you. Hang in there. Know that we are all here for you and hopefully for each other. I’m so glad you are writing about it. I just started and I know it is helping me.

    Hang in there,

    J9

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  4. I understand perfectly what you illustrated with your “milkshake feeling” – it’s a feeling very often evoked in me as I find the outside world extremely difficult and stressful – in particular other people (interacting with them is very mentally draining for me), loud noises and being overstimulated by a barrage of sound from traffic, etc… Plenty of other things. I often think of my sofa, and the safety of the confines of my house, and now my “hot Ribena” (as your milkshake was to you) has now translated into “cup of tea and cigarette”, (and a locked door and an evening with my own company).

    I have started to wonder recently if I too am on the Autistic Spectrum, I’m 22, but it would partly explain a lot of the troubles I have experienced so far in my life.

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  5. This is really interesting, You’re a very skilled blogger.
    I have joined your rss feed and look forward to seeking more of your great post.
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    Like

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