I’ve sat on this post for about a week, I didn’t want my blog to become a daily diary, I wanted it to be a chronicle of my random experiences. But, as I have mentioned before when I have written a diary-esque pieces sometimes I think they are useful for me to see my daily decline. I write these pieces over the day. This one was written over a day last week during an especially stressful day at work where I was basically left to be the parent of a group of immature staff children. What follows is the deterioration of my mental wellbeing over the day. This is not a regular occurrence, as I have said earlier, recently my mental health has been rather scrambled, sometimes I’m fine other days I’m not ok at all. This was one of those days where I started out ok, but gradually got worse. I’m sure things will get easier and I won’t react like this anymore.
I’m beginning to realise I should have accepted the sick note the doctor offered me last time. I have always thought of myself as stable enough to work. But it’s days like today when I am the only member of staff that seems to be competent that I really hit rock bottom. This is the second time this has happened.
The day began with workmen replacing our counter top, the shop was supposed to open at 9 but due to incompetent workmen, one of whom stood on his phone from the minute I got there (talking about iCloud backups and not work) they didn’t finish the counter top until 930 making us open late. Then for whatever reason one of the printers wasn’t working which took a further 20 minutes to fix, the workmen knew they had fucked it up but still skulked away like naughty schoolboys.
After it was fixed I was feeling less stressed, but my mental state wasn’t exactly fantastic when I got up, I had hardly slept and I woke up not wanting to get out of bed or go to work. I knew I was going to struggle so I choked down 7 pills when I got to work. 2 fluoxetine, 2 cocodamol 2 caffeine pills and an antihistamine. Sometimes just knowing I have taken this amount of pills makes me feel better.
Today I threatened to kill myself 3 times in front of 6 people they all laughed, nobody took me seriously, nobody takes suicide seriously. I really wanted to end my life at that point and I still do now. I can’t be alone tonight I can’t trust myself with me today.
Now when I’m trying to calm down I’m having to deal with a customer who has had her purse stolen! What a fantastic day! I am not relaxing on my lunch, which means my anxiety is building. I needed this time to calm down, but now I’m more agitated. I haven’t even eaten my lunch because I haven’t had a chance.
I cancelled on my social plans for tonight, yesterday, because all I want is to be alone. When I’m telling people I’m going to kill myself and they don’t listen it really is soul-destroying. And of course with 7 pills swishing around my stomach soon to be joined by 3 more it’s probably a good job I have tomorrow off because I’m not sure I can leave home tomorrow. But, I probably should because being alone when I’m like, this is the opposite of what I should be doing and listening to my “sad” playlist on my iPod is only going to make this worse. I hate upsetting people by telling them how I feel so I generally choose not to, I don’t like letting people down, especially people who rely on me to be ok. I can’t not be ok.
The Elephant in the Room