Happy Birthday to Me

Dear Reader,

It’s been two days since my 25th birthday, I have said before that I hate birthdays, there are a few reasons for this, first I hate being the centre of attention, secondly, I‘m not very good at socialising and finally I’m not very good at knowing how to react to birthday wishes. I have had one birthday party in my life, I was 5 and don’t really remember it, I hate other people’s birthday parties (or just parties in general) I tend to go out for a meal for my birthday because I find it easier to be with a small group of people around a table. Maybe it’s because I hate realising I am a year older and nothing about my mental health or any situation has changed. Or maybe its because birthdays are everything I hate lumped into one thing. As birthdays go this wasn’t the worst I have ever had, in fact, I have enjoyed the parts of the last two days where I have celebrated my birthday. However, this morning and to an extent the majority of yesterday I have felt incredibly down, more down than usual. 

Today I have had a lot of pain in my shoulders, I have felt like something was pushing them down. I assume the pain comes from tension more than anything else, but it’s incredibly frustrating to be unable to lift my arms above my head without feeling like someone is smacking my shoulder blades with a hammer and then sitting on my back. I have been nauseated, felt faint and been very tired for a few days now. On the night of my birthday, I got only 2 hours sleep, I went to sleep at 2am woke up at 3am and didn’t sleep again until 7am an was woken at 8am by the workmen who are working on the house. The more I write about my insomnia the more I realise that my inability to sleep is actually to do with anxiety. It may seem obvious, but I have never thought about it that way. I just thought of my thoughts as racing and annoying, but those thoughts are continuous and about silly things I know I shouldn’t worry about but can’t help. Classic signs of anxiety. Even now I‘m sitting here writing this and I’m feeling slightly anxious about stupid pointless things. I’ve been taking 40mg of Fluoxetine for three weeks now and if anything my depression and anxiety has got worse. Maybe I don’t need an increase maybe I need a whole other medication.

Although the fact that I feel constantly on the verge of vomiting and passing out could actually be to do with the fact that for the last 4 days I have only taken my antidepressants and one sleeping pill. No caffeine pills, no antihistamines and no co-codamol. Maybe I’m withdrawing from these, everything that has happened to me recently is a symptom of painkiller withdrawal, however Its only been 3 days, so im sure this will all get worse before it gets better.

On the plus side my lack of appetite has caused me to lose a bit of weight, which can’t be a bad thing, I have gone from eating 3 meals a day plus constant snacks to 1 meal a day and no snacks. Because the idea of eating makes me feel more nausiated. I’m glad my 24th year of being on earth is over and I really hope the 25th is better.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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