Happy Birthday to Me

Dear Reader,

It’s been two days since my 25th birthday, I have said before that I hate birthdays, there are a few reasons for this, first I hate being the centre of attention, secondly, I‘m not very good at socialising and finally I’m not very good at knowing how to react to birthday wishes. I have had one birthday party in my life, I was 5 and don’t really remember it, I hate other people’s birthday parties (or just parties in general) I tend to go out for a meal for my birthday because I find it easier to be with a small group of people around a table. Maybe it’s because I hate realising I am a year older and nothing about my mental health or any situation has changed. Or maybe its because birthdays are everything I hate lumped into one thing. As birthdays go this wasn’t the worst I have ever had, in fact, I have enjoyed the parts of the last two days where I have celebrated my birthday. However, this morning and to an extent the majority of yesterday I have felt incredibly down, more down than usual. 

Today I have had a lot of pain in my shoulders, I have felt like something was pushing them down. I assume the pain comes from tension more than anything else, but it’s incredibly frustrating to be unable to lift my arms above my head without feeling like someone is smacking my shoulder blades with a hammer and then sitting on my back. I have been nauseated, felt faint and been very tired for a few days now. On the night of my birthday, I got only 2 hours sleep, I went to sleep at 2am woke up at 3am and didn’t sleep again until 7am an was woken at 8am by the workmen who are working on the house. The more I write about my insomnia the more I realise that my inability to sleep is actually to do with anxiety. It may seem obvious, but I have never thought about it that way. I just thought of my thoughts as racing and annoying, but those thoughts are continuous and about silly things I know I shouldn’t worry about but can’t help. Classic signs of anxiety. Even now I‘m sitting here writing this and I’m feeling slightly anxious about stupid pointless things. I’ve been taking 40mg of Fluoxetine for three weeks now and if anything my depression and anxiety has got worse. Maybe I don’t need an increase maybe I need a whole other medication.

Although the fact that I feel constantly on the verge of vomiting and passing out could actually be to do with the fact that for the last 4 days I have only taken my antidepressants and one sleeping pill. No caffeine pills, no antihistamines and no co-codamol. Maybe I’m withdrawing from these, everything that has happened to me recently is a symptom of painkiller withdrawal, however Its only been 3 days, so im sure this will all get worse before it gets better.

On the plus side my lack of appetite has caused me to lose a bit of weight, which can’t be a bad thing, I have gone from eating 3 meals a day plus constant snacks to 1 meal a day and no snacks. Because the idea of eating makes me feel more nausiated. I’m glad my 24th year of being on earth is over and I really hope the 25th is better.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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18 thoughts on “Happy Birthday to Me

  1. I’ve never really been fond of birthdays either. But for me it’s because I had a series of pretty horrible birthdays. One where I woke up in the morning looking like a caveman because I had huge mosquito bites on my lip and eye lids, which is pretty hilarious now but was pretty depressing back then.
    You might want to try asking your doctor about anxiety meds instead of depression meds since it seems like anxiety is a bigger problem. Plus I think anxiety meds work better than depression meds.
    Also, your shoulders hurting could also have to do with the pillow you’re using in addition to anxiety. I know my pillow wakes me up at night sometimes and gives me neck and shoulder tension if I change sleeping positions.
    (Sorry about giving advice and stuff. I really hate giving advice because you never know how it will be taken, but you also don’t know if it’s something that would help. So hopefully it’ll help…)

    Like

    • Thank you for reading! definitely helpful advice! I think I should talk to my doctor about anxiety meds they probably would work better and once I have the anxiety fixed I can fix the depression. I probably should get a new pillow though I think it will make me a lot more comfortable! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I like a nice hot bath. Epsom salts or bubbles, or both. A bath book, one that doesn’t mind the occasional wet fingerprint, candles if I can be bothered. A warm room. This can be for any day of the year!
    Be kind to yourself. Happy Birthday plus 2.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve hated birthdays since I felt I’d grown out of the things children do at birthday parties (activities and games like pass the parcel) but didn’t want to do the things I thought normal teenagers did (alcohol and loud music and gossip). I think it made me feel even more that I didn’t fit in. (I’m Autistic.) And then my self-esteem was so low it seemed wrong for people to make a fuss of me like they do on my birthday, and I felt pressure to be happy when I was feeling depressed. But these days my depression isn’t so bad and I don’t feel I have to be ‘normal’, and I like my birthday a little bit, although I only do minor things to celebrate it because I always have exams at that time of year that I want to focus on.

    Liked by 1 person

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