It’s been a strange day. And I think it has made me contemplate the past and its effect on my present. Today I saw my ex boyfriend for the first time in a while. He came into my place of work which was slightly unnerving, in fact the other people who were working today remarked on how awkward I looked. And I was awkward, because it takes me time to be able to act naturally around someone again if I haven’t seen them for a long time and because even though he has been telling me for weeks he is coming back to this city. It still caught me off guard to see him.
My ex and I have a lot in common and I met him after work and we went for some food. Things have never been strange between us, we were best friends before we were in a relationship and although we have aged and grown apart, we still have a questionable past that gives rise to many in-jokes we still argue like a “couple” in front of people. Much to the annoyance of my current partner, I hate the word banter and so I will replace it with a playful and friendly exchange of teasing remarks. But today taught me something.
When my ex and I broke up, I was gutted. I was more depressed than I had been for a long time. For a few months I became an inconsolable stalker. I rang him everyday, most of the time I cried, told him I loved him and begged him to take me back typical post breakup ridiculousness, I say typical. It’s not typical It was just me being stupid (I was 18).
But things have changed and I have become a different person and I no longer see him as anything more than a friend. I look back at our relationship with nothing but frustration for a younger version of myself that was absolutely hell-bent on not loosing him regardless of the destruction to my mental and physical health. He, however, seems to now look back on our relationship with some idealistic nostalgia, mostly due to the disastrous attempts at relationships he has had post ours. His mother hated me when we were together, but now she is overly nice about me inquiring about how I’m doing, his grandmother comes into my place of work and talks to me.
My current partner (aka my ex before my ex.) saved me from the worst of downward spiral. I still had a downward spiral. I pretty horrendous one that I will go into another time. But I am happier now, than I was then. And regardless of my relationship status I have absolutely no intention of going back to my ex and it would be ridiculous for me to consider a relationship with my ex again, because no matter how good a friendship we have, we are not suitable as a couple. I know people may change, but from my experience they don’t change enough for me to ever believe us to be compatible again. It took my current partner to help me to realise that as much as I loved my ex, I let him hurt me because I was afraid I would lose him, because I thought he was the only person who cared about me. I was wrong, he was never able to cope with me or my mental instability. And now, knowing this, I know being with my current partner is the right choice. Because regardless of our history, and the events that happened in between our cumbersome relationship(s) I know that I made the perfect choice, in choosing to be with the only person who I have ever been able to be completely myself in front of consistently.
The Elephant in the Room