Welcome to another not so diary entry, this was written over two days (yesterday and today). Something is terribly wrong with me. I am finding it increasingly hard to hold it together. I am not coping right now.
I’m going to put a trigger warning on this.
I way actually began writing something today about how I was scared I would lose my depression and with it my sense of identity And creativity, but this evening depression came back full force and punched me right in the face. My brain started its negativity “Nobody wants to talk to you, leave your phone alone”, “Don’t go down stairs, your family doesn’t want to see you. They want to watch TV in peace” So I stayed in bed, from 10pm on Sunday to sometime tomorrow
I woke up this morning feeling ok, feeling calm and content almost excited about the day ahead which is weird for me. I was incredibly productive today considering I didn’t get out of bed, I did a lot of work online. And I was feeling ok until around 6pm when my brain came back from its day of distraction, It quickly made up lost time by making me feel terrible. The shoulder pains are back, they are getting to a point now where I find it hard to sleep because they hurt that much. Right now I’m in bed listening to my iPod for hour number 13 of the day. Except I was enjoying myself 10 hours ago and now I’m feeling like if I had the choice I wouldn’t wake up. I found a craft knife on my desk (right next to my bed) I tested it on my arm to see how sharp it was. It wasn’t sharp enough to really cause damage, it didn’t hurt me, I didn’t even bleed, but I can see the track of the blade. It probably would have hurt me if I had tried harder, but I couldn’t even do that right, so what hope do I have for getting out of bed? Or even successfully enjoying my life?
I woke up feeling worse than last night, this will not be a good day. I have spent most of the morning feeling like I’m going to burst into tears. I’m not even sad. I’m just angry at myself for being an idiot.
I made my excuses to get out of socialising tomorrow. I did it very spur of the moment. Sometimes I just need to not do things. I need to be alone. And I need Wednesday off, away from people.
I cried at work about 4 times today because I’m stupid and my brain hates me. It’s incredibly stressful to be this emotional. I literally had been writing about how my pills are starting to work yesterday and then this happens and reminds me that, nope, they are not working.
Sometimes I wish my brain wasn’t such a jerk. I don’t need it to tell me everyone hates me. I know it’s partly my Aspergers that contributes to this as well as the awkwardness of reading text over having an actual conversation, but all the digital conversations I have had over the last two days have seemed like people are mad at me, or like they hate me. If they do hate me, I don’t really know why. I don’t care if people hate me for a reason, but it’s when people hate me for no reason that it gets to me. I lost my best friend a few years ago after she randomly decided we were no longer friends. I have no idea what happened and to this day it still puzzles me.
Today I was reminded that it is just 2 months until Christmas. This cheered me up a little Christmas is one of two things that I actually look forward to in my life, the other is my annual holiday. But this only cheered me up briefly and then I had an alcoholic drink and I was reminded that I was not happy and my brain hates me. In fact, it’s even worse after it has had a drink. “Go home, you’re not funny you’re an idiot” and “Just go to bed forever and don’t get up, ok?” I came home and slumped onto the sofa. I didn’t have the energy to crawl into my bed. I had a bath ran for me. I crawled into that and tried to nap. But as this is me, and I can’t have nice things. The annoying leaking shower (which only started to leak when I wanted a bath) decided that every few minutes it would drip onto my face like some home made Chinese water torture. After 30 minutes of this I got annoyed and got out of the bath and slumped back on the sofa to write this.
I really wanted the bath to help with the shoulder pain, but it hasn’t, what has happened is the annoying abdominal pain has made a striking return this time it seems to be situated in my kidneys, although I know it’s probably more likely to be my ovaries that hurt then my kidneys, regardless its increased in severity about 40%.
I have some things I have to do tonight before I crawl off to bed. So I will force myself to do this before I go lay in bed and not sleep. This was literally the most ineffectual and mundane thing I have written in a long time. My brain does not want to co-operate, its angry at me. It’s frustrating and doesn’t want to form coherent, structured paragraphs or flowing sentences. It wants me to lie down and remind myself of all the mistakes I have ever made, all the bad things I have ever done and all the stupid things that make me realise that I am insignificant. And I will never make a change in anyones life big enough to be remembered after I am gone.
The Elephant in the Room