I’m OK, I Promise

Dear Reader,

Welcome to another not so diary entry, this was written over two days (yesterday and today). Something is terribly wrong with me. I am finding it increasingly hard to hold it together. I am not coping right now.

I’m going to put a trigger warning on this.

Monday

I way actually began writing something today about how I was scared I would lose my depression and with it my sense of identity And creativity, but this evening depression came back full force and punched me right in the face. My brain started its negativity “Nobody wants to talk to you, leave your phone alone”, “Don’t go down stairs, your family doesn’t want to see you. They want to watch TV in peace” So I stayed in bed, from 10pm on Sunday to sometime tomorrow

I woke up this morning feeling ok, feeling calm and content almost excited about the day ahead which is weird for me. I was incredibly productive today considering I didn’t get out of bed, I did a lot of work online. And I was feeling ok until around 6pm when my brain came back from its day of distraction, It quickly made up lost time by making me feel terrible. The shoulder pains are back, they are getting to a point now where I find it hard to sleep because they hurt that much. Right now I’m in bed listening to my iPod for hour number 13 of the day. Except I was enjoying myself 10 hours ago and now I’m feeling like if I had the choice I wouldn’t wake up. I found a craft knife on my desk (right next to my bed) I tested it on my arm to see how sharp it was. It wasn’t sharp enough to really cause damage, it didn’t hurt me, I didn’t even bleed, but I can see the track of the blade. It probably would have hurt me if I had tried harder, but I couldn’t even do that right, so what hope do I have for getting out of bed? Or even successfully enjoying my life?

Tuesday

I woke up feeling worse than last night, this will not be a good day. I have spent most of the morning feeling like I’m going to burst into tears. I’m not even sad. I’m just angry at myself for being an idiot.

I made my excuses to get out of socialising tomorrow. I did it very spur of the moment. Sometimes I just need to not do things. I need to be alone. And I need Wednesday off, away from people.

I cried at work about 4 times today because I’m stupid and my brain hates me. It’s incredibly stressful to be this emotional. I literally had been writing about how my pills are starting to work yesterday and then this happens and reminds me that, nope, they are not working.

Sometimes I wish my brain wasn’t such a jerk. I don’t need it to tell me everyone hates me. I know it’s partly my Aspergers that contributes to this as well as the awkwardness of reading text over having an actual conversation, but all the digital conversations I have had over the last two days have seemed like people are mad at me, or like they hate me. If they do hate me, I don’t really know why. I don’t care if people hate me for a reason, but it’s when people hate me for no reason that it gets to me. I lost my best friend a few years ago after she randomly decided we were no longer friends. I have no idea what happened and to this day it still puzzles me.

Today I was reminded that it isΒ just 2 months until Christmas. This cheered me up a little Christmas is one of two things that I actually look forward to in my life, the other is my annual holiday. But this only cheered me up briefly and then I had an alcoholic drink and I was reminded that I was not happy and my brain hates me. In fact, it’s even worse after it has had a drink. “Go home, you’re not funny you’re an idiot” and “Just go to bed forever and don’t get up, ok?” I came home and slumped onto the sofa. I didn’t have the energy to crawl into my bed. I had a bath ran for me. I crawled into that and tried to nap. But as this is me, and I can’t have nice things. The annoying leaking shower (which only started to leak when I wanted a bath) decided that every few minutes it would drip onto my face like some home made Chinese water torture. After 30 minutes of this I got annoyed and got out of the bath and slumped back on the sofa to write this.

I really wanted the bath to help with the shoulder pain, but it hasn’t, what has happened is the annoying abdominal pain has made a striking return this time it seems to be situated in my kidneys, although I know it’s probably more likely to be my ovaries that hurt then my kidneys, regardless its increased in severity about 40%.

I have some things I have to do tonight before I crawl off to bed. So I will force myself to do this before I go lay in bed and not sleep. This was literally the most ineffectual and mundane thing I have written in a long time. My brain does not want to co-operate, its angry at me. It’s frustrating and doesn’t want to form coherent, structured paragraphs or flowing sentences. It wants me to lie down and remind myself of all the mistakes I have ever made, all the bad things I have ever done and all the stupid things that make me realise that I am insignificant. And I will never make a change in anyones life big enough to be remembered after I am gone.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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41 thoughts on “I’m OK, I Promise

  1. I am so sorry you are going through this, I know you must have heard it before and just thought people were being kind (I know I feel like that most of the time), you really don’t deserve any of this. Aspergers or no Aspergers, you are a person. We all have rough times, those with mental health issues perhaps more than others, but no matter how clichΓ©d this sounds, I promise you that things can get better. You should be proud of yourself for what you have achieved in between the spouts of depression, don’t let the demons drag you down and make you focus on the negatives. I hope tomorrow is a better day, keep going and remember you deserve happiness x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are not stupid. But you know that all ready. Your depression is talking and you are listening. You know that too.
    Describing how one feels takes great thought and writing it down takes courage. I was going to write a post about feeling great one minute, saying so and then within minutes taking a dive. I hate feeling weepy at times. I hate being not able to say why I feel the way I do at times. There is no reason. Why it happens, I don’t know. All I know that writing about it is helpful.
    Today we got the toilets fixed. They were leaking. The constant trickle of the refilling of the bowl was driving me nuts, the hiss of the water. Annoying. The depression didn’t want me to fix it. I can’t explain it. It was easier to live with it. Just one phone call. It has taken me months. Now the sound of silence reigns in the bathroom. Bliss.

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  3. I know it’s hard, and I’m truly sorry you have to go through this. You talk a lot about how you spent day not doing much, which is okay. It’s okay if all you did for the day was breathe. You don’t have to complete a to-do list to have a successful day. As long as you keep trying, keep waking up, keep getting through the day, and keep promising you’ll never give up. I hope you don’t ever feel discouraged, I know how horrible depression is.

    You’re not alone, okay? Keep your head up.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Your writing is honoring where you are in your journey. You are sharing how it is to be depressed. That is insight. Your writing is powerful… I hear your hurt. l hear your pain. I am sad that you are having to go through this alone. I wish you had someone you could reach out to and yell “I am miserable as hell and hate being this way”..You are not a waste of time period..You have a purpose and are searching desperately for it, and that takes courage. You write beautifully. Give me your feeling of helplessness and let me carry for you for a while. Imagine you are handing it over to me. I will keep it safe for you, I promise. I will give it back to you if you ask for it. Hugs for tonight. You are in a trance of despair. Wake up long enough, put the s..t in a bag and hand it over to me. Picture it, Believe it. Now rest in peace for the night.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. If I was there I’d bite that damn elephant for you right in the butt. When the GIRL gets sad I see her talking in the mirror that it’s gonna be good, that she feels good and all is good. Somedays it’s hard to say positive things when she’s down but she tries and sometimes it works. peace hugs love a doodle

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  6. My depression has hit me hard the past few days but my toddlers won’t let me be, they won’t let me mope, and I suppose I should be more thankful for that. I was thinking earlier today that 11 years ago in October, I was stopped from committing suicide, and if I hadn’t been stopped, I’d have never met my husband. My kids wouldn’t have been born. I’d never have touched the lives I have, although whether that’s a good thing or not I’m not sure. I know one friend thanked me today for existing, lol. My brain likes to tell me she’s lying, she’s just saying that, but I know my brain. It’s full of garbage sometimes. I wish I was better at telling when it is truthful though. I was recently wrong about a few people I thought were friends and that still hurts a lot, even after a month.
    All we can do it keep on keeping on. May tomorrow be a better day for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’m sorry your brain does this to you (I know how cruel brains can be). I don’t know what to say that hasn’t already been said above, but you made a change in my life by writing about this pain that involve a lot of people, including myself. And I have to say I cried for you after reading this. It’s not right that some can laugh thru life and some have to fight every day! keep writing and tell people how it is. your great:)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hello elephant. Your post touches me deeply, your writing is so honest and open. Thank you for sharing how you are feeling. Have you tried to talk to someone independent? Not family, and not a member of the medical profession? You could discuss how you are feeling with someone from The Samaritans for example. It may help. In the meantime, please keep posting.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I am truly sorry that you are suffering so much just now. You tell us about depression so well because you are actually IN it right now. That’s what makes your posts so immediate and real. That’s really something you know: to be able to tell us how it is even as you are in such pain. And depression IS pain. Are you on any anti depressant medication right now? Has anything medically changed for you lately? I am a nurse and am really concerned for you. Please go and see a doctor. It is not right to suffer so. With the right treatment you CAN get better. I know you don’t believe it just now. Just trust me. IT ALWAYS GETS BETTER. And you will too. You deserve it. x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, I am currently on 40mg of fluoxetine, but I don’t really feel like it is working, I need to go back and see my doctor soon. Maybe I should ask for a different medication? Thank you for all of your support recently, it really means a lot to me.

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  10. Writing this is very important IMHO. You relate and explain things so well. You make us understand what you feel. It is very coherent. You make us know exactly what you are going through. We read right to the end. We may not like what we read, but we know it must be done. We support and listen. I wish I had this writing talent.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hi, just a few days ago you left me an encouraging comment about my blog and that made me happy, so thank you! You are worth a lot and do not let anything tell you otherwise. Right now you’re going through a storm but stay strong and soon enough you’ll be seeing the rainbow! You are stronger than you think, trust me! You write beautifully and I encourage you to keep on writing and we will keep on listening and being there.

    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I’m so sorry that depression has taken a hold of you again. It’s hard not to believe the lies that your depressed mind is telling you. But I assure you thay they are indeed lies! Many hugs and I’m hoping that this episode will pass sooner than later.

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  13. Hi. How long have you been on fluoxetine 40 mgs? If more than 8 weeks or so I would say it either needs to be increased to 60 mgs or you need a different medicine. There are so many different anti depressants and sometimes you need to try a couple of different ones to get the right medication at the right dose that makes you feel better. This takes patience because these medications take typically between 4 and 8 weeks to get the effect, though you can start to feel better after 2/3 weeks. Once you have found the right medication you need to stay on it for at least a year before even thinking of coming off it. Obviously you need to do this with a kind GP that you can talk to. Or a psychiatrist.

    Sorry if you know all this already! please ignore if you’ve heard this all before.

    I have struggled with depression for 20 years now and have been on medication for all that time. HOWEVER I have had to change the drugs frequently during that time. This is because sometimes they work for a while, and then symptoms begin to return, fluxoetine at 60 mgs worked well for 4 years for instance, venlafaxine at its highest dose was no use at all, paroxetine worked for a year and so on.

    I have been seen by psychiatrists at times when drugs changes were not straightforward and spent 5 weeks in a psychiatric unit when I was in my twenties and became very unstable whilst doing a drug change. They are the experts at it and sometimes you need a specialist. Your GP can refer you.

    I have ‘stabilised’ myself (well just about!) after a drug change to metazepine in March. It has taken until now to find the right dose, oddly I feel better on a slightly lower dose. This drug is not an SSRI, it works more as a sedative, so may not be the one for you. My daughter has changed from sertralene to fluexetine apprpx 6 weeks ago and the change in her is dramatic. She battled on for a year on sertralene, then eventually saw a psychiatrist and changed drugs, bham! she’s back in the world again.

    Ah. also I take a mood stabiliser called lamotrigene. It stops my mood dropping too low. (Oddly it is also an anti epileptic drug!)

    Go back to your doctor asap. Good luck x

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  14. When you feel up to it I want you to go to a web-site. I jack@Findingtruemagic.com. I tool an 150 plus course from him 15 or 20 years ago that literally changed my life. He has cds about healing that you might get something our of. He has a video on the site where he speaks about his views on what fouls us all up. I am going to blog about the class I took and share some insight when I have a chance. If anyone is interesting in reading it when I get it written follow me a ahuelon.wordpress.com. Good night and sleep tight. Hugs.

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  15. Just remember depression is not you and it lies. You are a lovely soul who deserves to be happy. Just focus on doing the small things because ultimately they are the most important. Be the change in your life because this is what makes a change in others lives, but do it for you because you deserve it. I know it seems overwhelming now but take it day by day.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Hello brave one. I am praying for you today and I hope that yesterday was a better day for you. When your brain starts speaking lies to you, turn it off. If you have lyrics to a favourite song (positive lyrics) or favourite poem or favorite quote or Bible verse repeat that back to your brain until you can’t hear the lies anymore.

    When it feels like you’ve lost your hope, remind yourself it is a lie, it’s a false reality. From your writing I can see that you are very bright and very creative. Keep breathing and take one day at a time.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. πŸ™‚ You are now in a very dark place, no light at all. That’s why you can’t see the nice things around you. Hopefully soon, you’ll see some light and realize that you are not alone.
    And next time your brain wants to play tricks on you, show him who’s the boss πŸ™‚
    Wishing you a brighter Friday πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  18. It’s interesting that you were scared of losing your depression. I was thinking recently that depression is part of who I am and I’m not sure who I’d become if I was cured of it; I don’t remember very well what I was like before I developed depression. These days I feel like I’m managing my depression, not being controlled by it or trying to rid myself of it completely. If you ever feel like finishing what you were writing about this I’d love to read it.

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  19. I completely understand, Elephant in the room. I feel the same way so often, and I hate it. I feel so weak and stupid, I have a great life but I’m still depressed. WTF!? I’m really struggling right now, but its always nice to know you’re not the only one. So remember, you’re not alone! Also, I’m glad that the knife didn’t actually hurt you! Cause I do that too, difference is I bleed every time. I’m trying to stop though, but its addicting.

    Liked by 1 person

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