I feel I am becoming a caricature of myself in my waking life. A parody of a sad joker drawing in pity. The truth is I am struggling to hold it together more than usual. The truth is in the places I have usually been able to mask my sadness with constant jokes I am struggling to and people are noticing “are you ok?” I hear this about 7 times in a 4 hour period at work from various people. “I’m fine are you?” I reply, after all I am the hero of the story, I don’t need to be saved.
Do I need to be saved? If I admit I need saving does it show that I lost my way at some point? I am in control, I don’t need help. I need to help other people. Do I see some people as characters in my story? After my story ends theirs continues. Once I am dead, there is no more story for me, for I am the hero and this story begins and concludes with me. I can only see the things that happen to me, the people I see every day go about their lives even when I am not around. Of course, this would continue. I am not important. I am not special.
I almost called in to work sick today, but that would mean someone would have to cover me and I would feel guilty about that. So I didn’t. I shouldn’t go to work today. I am not in a people pleasing mood, I’m not really in any mood. I don’t think I am even having thoughts today, I can’t remember any at least. I’m still in bed and I plan on being here until 12:30 which is when I have to get up and get ready for work. I hope I can drag myself out of bed, I hope I can drag myself to work. I had a panic attack yesterday, they are back. I was getting excited I had a few days without them.
My cat came in to my room today for the first time since I moved my pillows to the opposite end of the bed. He was confused. He still is, he’s sitting in the middle because now he doesn’t know which way is the end. This is almost a metaphor for my depression. I get comfortable with things one way and then it switches up and I’m left in the middle, confused and sad.
I bought a lot of junk food today, and alcohol, now I’m home watching some terrible 90’s music videos on MTV whilst I drink alcohol and eat sugar. My mood swings are so bad at the moment. I go from wanting to die to being absolutely fine in a matter of a few hours, it’s incredibly frustrating and tiring. I am alone, I was worried about this. But I’m doing ok, it’s probably just an alcohol buzz, I will regret all of this in the morning.
I guess the reality is I do need saving, I need to save myself. I need to stop myself, I need more control. I need to be strict with myself. I need to talk to someone professionally.
Motivational drunk talking has always been a strong point of mine, of course, by tomorrow I will have regressed back to my “im fine mentality”
Afterall, I am the hero of the story, I don’t need to be saved.
The Elephant in the Room