I’m The Hero of the Story, I Don’t need to be Saved.

Dear Reader,

I feel I am becoming a caricature of myself in my waking life. A parody of a sad joker drawing in pity. The truth is I am struggling to hold it together more than usual. The truth is in the places I have usually been able to mask my sadness with constant jokes I am struggling to and people are noticing “are you ok?” I hear this about 7 times in a 4 hour period at work from various people. “I’m fine are you?” I reply, after all I am the hero of the story, I don’t need to be saved.

Do I need to be saved? If I admit I need saving does it show that I lost my way at some point? I am in control, I don’t need help. I need to help other people. Do I see some people as characters in my story? After my story ends theirs continues. Once I am dead, there is no more story for me, for I am the hero and this story begins and concludes with me. I can only see the things that happen to me, the people I see every day go about their lives even when I am not around. Of course, this would continue. I am not important. I am not special.

I almost called in to work sick today, but that would mean someone would have to cover me and I would feel guilty about that. So I didn’t. I shouldn’t go to work today. I am not in a people pleasing mood, I’m not really in any mood. I don’t think I am even having thoughts today, I can’t remember any at least. I’m still in bed and I plan on being here until 12:30 which is when I have to get up and get ready for work. I hope I can drag myself  out of bed, I hope I can drag myself to work. I had a panic attack yesterday, they are back. I was getting excited I had a few days without them.

My cat came in to my room today for the first time since I moved my pillows to the opposite end of the bed. He was confused. He still is, he’s sitting in the middle because now he doesn’t know which way is the end. This is almost a metaphor for my depression. I get comfortable with things one way and then it switches up and I’m left in the middle, confused and sad.

I bought a lot of junk food today, and alcohol, now I’m home watching some terrible 90’s music videos on MTV whilst I drink alcohol and eat sugar. My mood swings are so bad at the moment. I go from wanting to die to being absolutely fine in a matter of a few hours, it’s incredibly frustrating and tiring. I am alone, I was worried about this. But I’m doing ok, it’s probably just an alcohol buzz, I will regret all of this in the morning.

I guess the reality is I do need saving, I need to save myself. I need to stop myself, I need more control. I need to be strict with myself. I need to talk to someone professionally.

Motivational drunk talking has always been a strong point of mine, of course, by tomorrow I will have regressed back to my “im fine mentality”

Afterall, I am the hero of the story, I don’t need to be saved.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

 

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31 thoughts on “I’m The Hero of the Story, I Don’t need to be Saved.

  1. i don’t know your story personally, but I just want to say that over the period of a fortnight I have gradually worked through getting additional help for myself. I have done it in slow steps… in fact it even went back further that the past couple of weeks. I initially looked up counselling in my area a month or so ago, but I wasn’t yet ready to take the next step. I just saved the links for my findings and left it at that. At some point last week, I sat down and went through them, and made myself a table in word which I put in all the organisations that I would be able to afford in; name, address, contact details etc. A few days later and I sent an email to each of them giving a very brief overview of my situation and asking for more details on how to register with them. I have been receiving replies since then, which I have saved in a specific folder in my email account. And today I have registered with a few. Still got a few more to register with. I am really struggling in a similar way to how it sounds you are with the constant ups and downs. I really hope this helps in some way. I am extremely guilty for looking at the bigger picture and feeling overwhelmed by it which leads me to retreating into my dark place. But I have managed to do these little things to work towards helping myself. It’s certainly a start. I wish you all the best for your journey, Depression is such a horrible illness, is so sad that so many of us suffer from it.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I haven’t written my blog for today yet, and reading yours there are aspects of it I’m going to write in mine.

    When you fall into a hole so deep it feels like there is no escape, but remember you are worth saving and you show a great deal of strength writing here sharing what’s in your heart, this is a step towards your journey back to life.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’ve been in this place before and I know the compulsion, that thought that sticks in the back of your head- you don’t need to be saved, you shouldn’t need to be saved. Don’t give into it. It’s a hard process and it’s painful but the truth of the matter is that you are the hero of your own story- and no hero ever did it alone. Every hero needs a little bit of saving- especially from themselves. Keep strong
    -MissAmy

    Liked by 1 person

  4. caring thoughts coming your way!! keep writing – this is your therapy, know you are never alone – even though you may feel it at times. Asking for help is never a sign of weakness it is actually a sign of strength, it takes courage – getting it out is better than keeping it in ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • 🙂 Thank you, I have an appointment on Thursday afternoon, it is with a doctor I have never seen before, but I hope he understands and will help me by upping my dose. 🙂 Someone needs to be bossy with me. Sometimes it’s the only way I get things done. So thank you. x

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  5. So many great things said above, especially from Amy and Crystal, but all comments so filled with truth and love. I just wanted to tell you I love reading your words. I can feel what you feel, partly because you know how to express yourself so well, and partly because I go through what you go through. The wine and cheese helps me, when I can afford to buy it. Ha! Just don’t overdrink. Get the buzz and ride it out. If anything, it’ll make you walk a little lighter, you can laugh a little more and you can sleep better. I refuse to overdrink, because I hate hangovers. The buzz is over too quickly but it’s there a while and it’s nice.

    We all feel the need to be saved, I think. At the same time, we are our own heroes, if we choose to be. Sometimes, I want to hide in a cold, black cave but then if I stay there too long, I’ll amount to nothing and do I wish to be nothing? No. I don’t want to face people either. I think even moreso, I don’t want to face myself. It’s partly about self love and self appreciation (without narcissism) and partly about focusing on the needs of a detail or someone else who needs me.

    I used to talk to a therapist when I had money. Actually, I am a veteran and it didn’t cost much to go to Mental Health at the VA and talk to my assigned therapist. It didn’t actually help me. If anything, it made me focus on every bad thing that happened in my life and brought it to the forefront of my mind and I realized she wasn’t as smart as I had given her credit for. I’m not saying therapy isn’t for everyone. It actually helps some people. It just didn’t help me. Everyone is different. At least I tried it. As well as about 5 different antidepressants over the years. Finally, I gave up on that, too. I’m not much of a pill person but believe me, if they had actually helped me and not turned me into a zombie, I’d still be taking something.

    You are important. You are special. You have a talent for writing and sharing what’s in your soul. When you can pour your soul into your words, you have a gift, a talent — and all talents need to be shared with others.

    Some days, I want to die. But I’m starting to realize something. I may not always have enough money to pay the bills and I may struggle with working long hours and I have to face people sometimes that I’d rather not and I have to do things I’m not in the mood to do, but it’s not always about me. I have a kiddo to think about. My daughter depends on me and I suppose it’s nice to be needed. My mom lives close by and she needs me, if anything, to make her smile and tell her how loved she is, and help her with her yard work and take her to get groceries, because I can and that means we can spend some time together. I have a home. I have land. I have furry babies. They all need me and they bring me joy. I should feel joy instead of so much depression. I need to refocus my eyes, my heart and my energy. I need to be thankful for all those things I have. I have work that brings me money. I have friends who care about me. I can escape when I write creatively or blog, even if it’s blogging about depression. It’s sort of a therapy for me.

    If you feel the need to seek therapy, I highly encourage it, since it might actually help you. Same thing with antidepressants. I have friends and colleagues that swear by antidepressants. I’m glad it’s helps some people. If anything, talk it out on your blog. Free it a bit from your heart and spill it out into your written words as that is therapy, too. And it might sound weird, but talk to yourself as if you’re talking to your inner child. Tell yourself you are worthy of good things, you are special, you are important, you are loved. It is healing. Conversations with God helps, too. Whether you are angry and yell at him or simply talking to him like he’s your best friend, it’s helpful. He’s a great listener.

    Just remember, you are important, you are special, you are talented and you are loved, and we, your friends, are here for you.

    Sorry for the novel. 😉 *hug*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, your novel means a lot to me. I’m feeling much better today, and everyone comments have been so great and inspiring. It makes me want to write more, I need to be patient. I have so many thoughts and so much to write about and so much planned, but I can’t post it all at once.

      Writing is my therapy, its the best, cheapest therapy I could have. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • We only have so much time in a given day. I need patience, too, more than anything else, probably. Mostly, patience with myself more than others. I feel the need to get “it all” done NOW. I can’t.

        Keep up that talented writing and your best therapy. 🙂

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  6. Thanks for the like. I struggled with depression and I got a book called “The battlefield of the mind” this book changed my thinking and therefore began healing my soul. I highly recommend it, you will not be disappointed. It is not only a book to read, but it is a book to study for a life time. The soul is the mind, will and emotions and this book is written and designed to bring restoration to all of these things.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. If someone cares enough to ask, they care enough to at least listen. You don’t have to share the whole pie, just a slice can work wonders – people are amazing, please believe me. They won’t get it even they seem to presume too, but just reaching out your hand for help is the best way to start. You don’t need a mental health expert if you don’t want one – I’ve spoken to professionals and had appointments, and they fucking sucked. These so called experts won’t ever be able to help you as much as your friends can, and that’s something I’d be prepared to put to paper. I’ve been through the whole phase of needing to get drunk to feel OK – hence why my finances suck right now, hehe. When I opened up to my friends and closet people, the support was incredible – I felt my heart rise in my chest for the first time in a long time, and I’m enjoying life and the challenges again. Even Batman had a sidekick, and the best world leaders still have an advisor. Let someone in, and you’ll find the motivation you’re looking for, soon as you let the light in.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hi there! I know you probably hear this all the time, and nobody wants to be told again: alcohol and sugar affect depression swings greatly. I know you’re thinking, “I was already depressed, that was my coping.” No place for me to judge choice of mechanism, I go to drink all the time when I’ve hit a wall with my writing and want an easier ‘flow’. But us depressed people SEVERELY underestimate the impact of things like eating healthy food and getting light outdoors exercise twice a week has on us. Emotionally the hole feels so deep it’s always like, “how could THAT help?” Seriously, time and time again I find myself beating my head into a wall, I have to realize what I’m doing and stop and go outside. Just for a walk around down my street. I have another looming cloud coming on these past 2 weeks, I can feel it. I already know what the problem is: I’m constipated. It sounds stupid, right? I get IBS and have a gluten sensitivity, so if I want my digestion to work right it means lots of salads and multicolored veggies. I’m still building up energy to force myself to do it (this week!). Think of it like this: normal people can eat bad an not exercise, they may get a little chubby but they’ll still be their happy chubby selves. Depressed people can’t do that. We have a naturally occurring chemical imbalance, and while it’s true diet and exercise will make you feel twice as better than any medication ever could for your happiness levels, it means it’s that much more important we keep up on it, otherwise it will literally push us back in the hole. Hope you get well =D ~G

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