Separation Anxiety

Dear Reader,

I have been thinking recently about my history of anxiety, and the more I think about it the more I remember about times during my childhood when I felt genuine panic.

My primary school was fairly large, but to get to the nursery you would have to cross the playground. My brother is 2 years younger than me, so when I was in year 1 he was just starting nursery. My school had a morning nursery and an afternoon nursery, my brother was in the afternoon nursery, I remember this because my mum would have to walk through the playground during my lunch break to take him. I always made sure to see them when they were walking through.

For some reason after my mum dropped my brother off and was leaving the playground I got some sudden bouts of separation anxiety and would cry and beg her to take me home. To be honest, I’m not sure why I was so upset, but I seem to remember something about either A) being scared she would forget to come and pick me up or B) that something terrible would happen to her on the way home and nobody would tell me until it was too late. This is all fairly morbid for the thoughts of a 5 or 6 year old as I am sure you are aware.

The worst day began like all of the others, my mum walked through the playground, I’m sure she dreaded seeing me as she knew the routine. Usually she could get me to stop crying before the end of lunch, or a dinner lady would take me away and look after me. But this time I was not having any of it, I cried and held on to her arm and wouldn’t let her go. She had to walk me back to my classroom. I remember her taking me to the class and I was still crying and holding on to her. Everyone was staring at me like I was crazy, and then this guy came over and told her he would look after me. Then she left and I was over it.

From what I remember the fear stopped after this, maybe it’s because I was embarrassed, or maybe it’s because I realised I was being irrational. And I thought I had grown out of it until I was with my ex boyfriend.

When my ex boyfriend first went to university, we were still in a fairly new relationship, he would come back every few weeks and we would spend the weekend together. But when it came time for me to go home and for him to return to university I would cry uncontrollably, I was scared he would never come back, that his train would crash and he would die, or even that he would get drunk at university and choke on his own vomit, all irrational thoughts.

Of course I have since grown out of it, but sometimes I do have silly, irrational fears about people being hurt, but more so when they are supposed to be somewhere at a specific time. If I am around for the time my parents are usually home from work (10:30) and it gets to a point later than that, I do start to worry about them, and if they have been in an accident.

I talked before about how my mums anxiety stopped me from wanting to stay at peoples houses and go to their birthday parties and maybe in reality she has some reverse separation anxiety issues, she was scared that she would lose me.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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14 thoughts on “Separation Anxiety

  1. I continue to be amazed at your story telling ability. I know this is no story! And I understand how real it is to you. Each post is like a chapter in a book……a book I don’t like reading. But a book I am so hopeful will have a happy ending.

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  2. You have a very real way of getting your thoughts across, I remember thekids at school who used to get terriblyanxious when there parents left for the day, it alsways to them a while to calm down, most grew out of it.

    Anxiety is horrid as it just grows from something small to someting immense, with luck revisiting these thoughts will help you with some perspective and therefore move forward in time.

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  3. You are so brave to share buried thoughts. I have not gotten to that point yet. Once I did and ended up in the ER thinking I was having a heart attack. It was a panic attack, my one and only. Writing can be a healing experience. You take us all on a journey that reminds us of our past and that is good. You are showing us how to face our past with courage. What a gift you are giving us. Feeling pain is better than burying pain. Once the pain is faced we can purge it, stomp the hell out of it, tell it to go away, and put it in it’s place. Refuse to let it stay for it is out in the open.

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  4. I’m so sorry 😦 It sounds like it is a tough thing to go thru and the fear is that no one could understand or stop you. I think it really is the truth though – that no one can stop you – except you. You have to put as much between you and the blade as you can. Almost like in AA. You don’t buy the blades, you don’t have them in the house, you don’t hang out with people not in recovery, and if you know you’re going to do it, you call someone with whom you can be honest, or go somewhere safe where you can’t harm yourself. I know that cutting isn’t in my experience but feeling like no one can understand or help, and that I want to be alone through it, that I know. So I’ve had to become “the boss of me” so that I will take my meds and I will have certain things in my life that keep me healthy. Again I say I am so sorry because this sounds like a beast 😦 I am praying you can get past this episode and find a way to avoid it the next time… thanks for reading my blog – I appreciate it! and I will follow you. HUGS if you want them!

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