Trigger Warning: Self Harm
I wrote this last night, at the time I wasn’t embarrassed by this post. I wanted to post it right away. When it hit 3 am and I was still awake I thought back about what I had done and now I am completely embarrassed by my stupid actions and my stupid brain. I am visiting the doctor tomorrow. annoyingly they called to change my appointment today. I hate change. So here it is, one bad day.
I just finished texting a friend who knows about my mental illness. I am not in the mood to talk, she knows that. She told me to text or call if things got worse, she told me she loved me, she told me not to bottle this stuff up. I lied when I said I was fine. At what point does worse, become worst?
Today is a bad day for me, I knew from the minute I woke up and held no excitement for my day at all that it was a bad day. I haven’t really spoken today. I am jut home from work, hiding in the bathroom with the shower turned on in the background. I want to be alone, this is the only way.
Those darn self harm thoughts are back. I spent my 40 minute journey home weighing up the pros and cons of each part of my body I could cut, where is the least visible? Where is the least likely to get questions asked? Out of sight, out of mind.
No one has asked about my arms, but if the cuts got worse, I’m sure someone would ask, or people would begin to assume. I’m 25, am I too old to be self harming? Isn’t this something reserved for love struck teenagers? I want to believe that, I want to believe it’s not right for me to be doing this. I want a reason to stop. I want to go to bed forever. I can’t cry, I am not upset. I am down. So, so down.
I’m sitting on the floor, thinking about the stupid blade, how easily it will pass through my skin when it’s wet. Thinking about the blood dripping down my arm, the control it will give me. I need to stop. I can’t stop thinking about that knife. The knife I keep behind the speakers on my computer. One little cut won’t hurt and it will show my depression who’s boss. I am the boss of me! Or does this prove i am not in charge. I am not the boss. For if I was. Would I really want to hurt myself?
I am trying to cry, I want to cry, I want to express my feelings. I can’t. I don’t have any emotions. I have no energy. I didn’t take my pills today, I can’t bring myself to do it. All I have is this knife and a shower. I will my brain to not let this knife pierce me. I’ll look at it, see my reflection in the blade.
But no. I’m an idiot. My brain keeps reminding me.
Idiot. I did it. Idiot. I let myself do it. Idiot. Damn it Elephant do you not see what you do to everyone around you. Do you not see how you hurt people because you are an idiot?
I cut the top of my arm. I am sitting in the shower rocking backwards and forwards watching the blood leave my arm. I need help. Or maybe I need to stop being an idiot. Idiot.
Stupid Elephant, stupid, stupid, idiot. This is why people hate you, idiot! Nobody wants to look after a 25 year old baby idiot! At least you Cut your upper arm idiot. No one needs to see it, no one wants you to be ok, If you keep this all in you can write forever. About being an idiot.
Surely things can get worse? I’ll leave it for tonight. When things reach critical mass I will ask for help. I’m just an idiot today.
Sitting on my bed now. Looking at my arm, looking at the blade, looking back at my arm looking back at the blade. Maybe just one more small cut. Just one. A small one. I deserve this. People tolerate me because they don’t want the guilt of my death on their hands. idiot. idiot. idiot. That’s right, do it again. Prove you’re an idiot, go to sleep idiot and try not to wake up, for if you do, I will be here to remind you that you are an idiot.
Oh, and Elephant, hide the blade. You will need it again.
The Elephant in the Room.