When does “Worse” Become “Worst”?

Trigger Warning: Self Harm

Dear Reader,

I wrote this last night, at the time I wasn’t embarrassed by this post. I wanted to post it right away. When it hit 3 am and I was still awake I thought back about what I had done and now I am completely embarrassed by my stupid actions and my stupid brain. I am visiting the doctor tomorrow. annoyingly they called to change my appointment today. I hate change. So here it is, one bad day.

I just finished texting a friend who knows about my mental illness. I am not in the mood to talk, she knows that. She told me to text or call if things got worse, she told me she loved me, she told me not to bottle this stuff up. I lied when I said I was fine. At what point does worse, become worst?

Today is a bad day for me, I knew from the minute I woke up and held no excitement for my day at all that it was a bad day. I haven’t really spoken today. I am jut home from work, hiding in the bathroom with the shower turned on in the background. I want to be alone, this is the only way.

Those darn self harm thoughts are back. I spent my 40 minute journey home weighing up the pros and cons of each part of my body I could cut, where is the least visible? Where is the least likely to get questions asked? Out of sight, out of mind.

No one has asked about my arms, but if the cuts got worse, I’m sure someone would ask, or people would begin to assume. I’m 25, am I too old to be self harming? Isn’t this something reserved for love struck teenagers? I want to believe that, I want to believe it’s not right for me to be doing this. I want a reason to stop. I want to go to bed forever. I can’t cry, I am not upset. I am down. So, so down.

I’m sitting on the floor, thinking about the stupid blade, how easily it will pass through my skin when it’s wet. Thinking about the blood dripping down my arm, the control it will give me. I need to stop. I can’t stop thinking about that knife. The knife I keep behind the speakers on my computer. One little cut won’t hurt and it will show my depression who’s boss. I am the boss of me! Or does this prove i am not in charge. I am not the boss. For if I was. Would I really want to hurt myself?

I am trying to cry, I want to cry, I want to express my feelings. I can’t. I don’t have any emotions. I have no energy. I didn’t take my pills today, I can’t bring myself to do it. All I have is this knife and a shower. I will my brain to not let this knife pierce me. I’ll look at it, see my reflection in the blade.

But no. I’m an idiot. My brain keeps reminding me.

Idiot. I did it. Idiot. I let myself do it. Idiot. Damn it Elephant do you not see what you do to everyone around you. Do you not see how you hurt people because you are an idiot?

I cut the top of my arm. I am sitting in the shower rocking backwards and forwards watching the blood leave my arm. I need help. Or maybe I need to stop being an idiot. Idiot.

Stupid Elephant, stupid, stupid, idiot. This is why people hate you, idiot! Nobody wants to look after a 25 year old baby idiot! At least you Cut your upper arm idiot. No one needs to see it, no one wants you to be ok, If you keep this all in you can write forever. About being an idiot.

Surely things can get worse? I’ll leave it for tonight. When things reach critical mass I will ask for help. I’m just an idiot today.

Sitting on my bed now. Looking at my arm, looking at the blade, looking back at my arm looking back at the blade. Maybe just one more small cut. Just one. A small one. I deserve this. People tolerate me because they don’t want the guilt of my death on their hands. idiot. idiot. idiot. That’s right, do it again. Prove you’re an idiot, go to sleep idiot and try not to wake up, for if you do, I will be here to remind you that you are an idiot.

Oh, and Elephant, hide the blade. You will need it again.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room.

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28 thoughts on “When does “Worse” Become “Worst”?

  1. You don’t need the blade, tell your doctor everything tomorrow, make them understand, you need help and this is your cry for it.

    Your not an idiot, you are worthy and there is no need to be ashamed of your illness, continue to write and share with us…your not alone, were listening and understand.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. You’re not an idiot. That’s a lie you are choosing to believe. But, I do hear your pain and feel it. I didn’t start self harm until I turned 50. Blades don’t care how old you are, I guess. But, like you…the cutting doesn’t relieve very much for very long, does it? Yet the scars remain forever. I don’t want to preach, so ignore this if you want, but one thing that has worked for me (and it will sound really silly) is to get an ice cube and hold it in your hand when you’re in the mood to self harm The ice will ‘hurt’ and that will ‘feel good’. It will very, very slowly melt and remind you of your tears that you wish you could feel. As the ice melts, its drips will warm and feel like your tears. Slowly the ice cube (just one) will disappear and take your sadness for the moment with it. The first time I tried it (in group DBT therapy) I said, “This is what my depression feels like”. Worth a try…or not. It’s up to you. Hugs..Hope.

    Liked by 5 people

  3. You say 25 is too old to self harm and something teenagers do, well I acted more like a teenager in my early to mid 20s than I ever did as a teenager. I took longer to reach each stage it seems. At 25 you are still pretty young and discovering oneself, I am 29 now and I only just working out this thing called me and still have some way to go. Self harm can happen to anyone at any age. Make sure you give the doctor the full facts and good luck.

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  4. *hugs*. You are not an idiot. I’m 31 and I still deal with self harm. I’m not always able to resist either. It’s a fight and sometimes we are too tired to fight. So long as you pick back up the fight there is hope

    Liked by 2 people

  5. E-

    Getting these thoughts out in the open for scrutiny is important, as it will allow you to deliberate upon them to find what you may.

    I noticed in your post that if I could distill it down to simple sentences, it might run like this: I feel out of sorts emotionally, and as a result I want to cut myself. My mind goads me more insistently until I finally give in. I cut myself. After I cut myself, my depressed mind makes me feel guilty, goading me again into cutting myself.

    Now, the simple answer to why anyone cuts themselves is that they get something out of it. The thoughts I have is that cutting, for you, silences your depressed thinking. While watching the blood, it quiets other thoughts. Life is simple, easy to understand, and manageable. But when the experience fades, the depressed thinking comes back.

    Granted, this is just from my reading of your post. Maybe thinking about what you get from cutting might help you see what your goal is there. And if you can identify a goal, then you can start thinking of other routes to take to get there.

    The person who has the mental discipline to write your post amid the pure chaos of self harm and depression has more ability than depression is comfortable giving you credit for. But I read your post and have hope. I have hope because I believe in you, E.

    Best wishes,

    SB

    Liked by 3 people

  6. OMG i wish I was there to put my arms around you. You are not an idiot. You are in pain. Please reach out. Look in the mirror and say “I love you”, right this minute and say it a hundred times. You are in a trance in thinking you are not loved or that you are an idiot. You can change that trance by repeating that you are loved, because you are. I am praying for you. I believe in you. You must join me in believing in yourself. Chemical crap floods us during these times of pain. Reach out for help PLEASE. You are worth it. None of us ask for our mental illness. See how brave you are writing about your pain. That is not the words of an idiot. You are BRAVE for writing about it. You don’t want to cut yourself, you just want to stop hurting. I am not alone in standing in your corner, but right now you don’t see us. We are here.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. You have received good comments and I really don’t have more to add. But you are not an idiot for calling yourself an idiot or for anything else. Most everybody at some time feels they are an idiot. I do. But after I call myself that, I realize that I have done something stupid and actually I was an idiot. lol But I also realize that I know what I have done and I can go about starting to fix it. 🙂

    I am always anxious when I go to see a new doctor. I wonder if you are going to let your doctors read your blog?

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I turned 28 in August. I *still* self-harm. I did it, in fact, just a week ago — despite the pleadings of my beau.

    there’s no age limit on being sick or ill. I know people who are in their thirties that still self-injure. (you have people in your comments older than me who still struggle, in fact.) it’s a coping mechanism for a sickness that has no cure yet.

    we’re not lucky enough, like people with the flu, to have a shot or pills that solves the problems in a few days. our disease takes years, at the least, to solve — if ever.

    you’re never “too old” to be sick. that’s something I finally came to terms with when my beau talked to me about it.

    mental illness does not discriminate based on age. in fact, *it doesn’t discriminate at all*.

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  9. I turned 28 in August. I *still* self-harm. there’s no age limit on being sick or ill. I know people who are in their thirties that still self-injure.

    it’s a coping mechanism for a sickness that has no cure yet.

    we’re not lucky enough, like people with the flu, to have a shot or pills that solves the problems in a few days. our disease takes years, at the least, to solve — if ever.

    you’re never “too old” to be sick. that’s something I finally came to terms with when my beau talked to me about it.

    mental illness does not discriminate based on age. in fact, *it doesn’t discriminate at all*.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Very confessional and brave. And I echo what the person above said: The fact that you are doubting yourself proves you are save.

    Stay strong my friend. Message me any time if you just need an unbiased stranger to talk with, ok?

    You know where to find me.

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  11. Wow…..you sound exactly like me in this post. “Don’t do it, you idiot, you weakling!” Damn it I did it. That’s me all the time. And yes, I want to cry, I want to feel extreme pain, cause this constant ache, this numbness, these dry eyes, they are worse then acute pain. It is a vague hurting all over, leaving me tired and seemingly emotionless. But I just can’t seem to cry, and even cutting myself hasn’t made me cry yet. Depression sucks.

    Like

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