This Will All Blow Over In Time

Dear Reader,

Today is the day I visit the doctors after a month of terrible mood swings and self harm. I am not seeing my regular doctor as he is away for two weeks. I am not looking forward to going. I don’t like seeing new doctors I don’t know how they are going to react or what they are going to say. I feel I should save the self harming and tell my regular doctor next time. Or maybe I should just be honest with this doctor.

I did some research, I think what I’m scared of is that they will section me and I will have to explain to my family what has happened in the worst possible way. I want to tell them on my own terms.

I’m in bed, eating leftover pizza from yesterday. I didn’t tell my parents I had ordered pizza because my mum always makes a comment about how fat I will be, or am. She never really specifies. Earlier in the week the medical center called my house, this was unfortunate as they left a message asking me to call back. I didn’t realise they had rang until my mother rang me at 8PM to ask why the doctors surgery was calling me. I made up an excuse about smear tests. She seemed satisfied with that response and moved on to talk about something else. This was self harm day, maybe the frustration of almost getting caught, the stress of the day or just that I was so angry at myself for being an idiot, or maybe I just wanted to feel a different kind of pain. Focus on something else that wasn’t the nothingness of my brain and feelings. The next day at work I frantically called the doctors back, I rang 24 times before I got through to them. They were pandering to me “what is your name? What did the message say?” I was getting frustrated i just wanted to know why they had called and jepordised my confidentiality. It turned out they had moved my appointment to 2 hours earlier and even worse “We have sent you a letter to let you know” My first thought was “FOR FUCK SAKE!” my mum is not shy about opening letters and saying “I thought it was for me” even though our names are entirely different. I was petrified all day at work, about this letter and what its fate would be when I arrived home.

But also work was absolutely horrendous. I was at work all day. It moved slow, and to top it off I did the work of two people because the supervisor is the worst employee on the planet. I did her job, people were asking me questions about refunds and exchanges. I was finding the posters that needed to go on the table to show the new mark downs, I was changing the table and finding places for the new stock. It was at 11am when I had my first panic attack. I told someone I work with, someone who I feel understood how much pressure that a proportion of the staff who work there are under. I had to sit on the floor. She probably thinks I am crazy now. I was shaking and telling her I couldn’t get everything done. She stayed 30 minutes later than she should have to help me because she knew I wasn’t ok. And I feel terrible about that, I kept telling her to go home but she wouldn’t listen to me. I tried my best to get everything done, but something in the back of my head kept reminding me that as a huge failure I probably forgot something hugely important or messed up somehow and broke something. In fact, knowing my luck, I probably caused the shop to burst into flames at 4AM or something ridiculous. When I got home, I had to send an essay to the person working the next day to apologise for anything I had forgotten to do and that the shop was a mess because “I” hadn’t had time to tidy it. I told that colleague that I had self harm, she was trying to make me feel better by telling me she though I was great but I wasn’t listening. I do not think I am great and do not understand those who do. I realise that I shouldn’t be getting this stressed about this stuff, it is someones job to do this, the supervisor should have been doing this. I would not make a good supervisor. Not because I would panic because i think I held it together quite well yesterday considering. But because fuck that, at the moment simply existing is a full time job for me and I do not need the pressure of another. I don’t want to be in charge. I want to be quiet in a corner, putting stock away. Boring monotonous tasks, the key to making people with Aspergers happy.

I think people still don’t see the real me, because I am not a good person, I am a terrible person who hurts everyone with these stupid thoughts of self harm and these stupid fears of seeing doctors. I cause people to worry about me. It is not fair. I cause people so much stress. I am a terrible person. I should hide away.

Well, that was a rant, I still haven’t been to the doctors yet. I’m having a panic attack thinking about yesterday, though, but it’s more than that. Right now I am incredibly stressed. I don’t want to blame my partner for this because it is not his fault. But I am worried about him and his mental health right now. I am getting closer to breaking point and that scares me. I have gone from having one manageable panic attack a day to having 2 to 3 a day. And they aren’t all the same. The ones I can deal with best are the ones where I feel like I am going to pass out, but when I suddenly become breathless and shaky and I’m struggling to hide these. In fact these are a new wave of panic attacks for me. I have only ever had one panic attack where I hyperventilated. I’m shaking as I write this because I’m not giving myself a chance to calm down. More than anything I am worried about my appointment. I don’t want to talk about the self harm, but I know I have to, I don’t want to talk about my panic attacks but I know I have to. I know I have to go alone and I am scared, which is normal. I always panic before a doctors appointment regardless of why I am going. I am shaking uncontrollably and its worrying me more. I will stop writing and try to rest until after my appointment.

What an idiot! I went to the doctors, I was shaking from the second I left my house and made the 10 minute walk to the surgery, I changed my contact number before my appointment because I could feel my anxiety levels spiking. My appointment was 15 minutes late. I was shaking and sweating by the time my name was called. The minute I stepped into the office, I knew I had made a mistake, seeing this doctor instead of my original. You see I have seen this doctor before and he wasn’t very helpful. I told him I was having panic attacks, he put it down to my medication, I didn’t get to tell him about my self harm. Partly because I chickened out and partly because he spent the whole time telling me I was smart and should go to therapy before thursting another psychological therapy leaflet into my hand. This is the third time I have received this leaflet and everytime I have had no intention of ringing the number. Writing is my therapy.

I have a month of new pills Citalopram, I’m nervous about taking these. and I just read this about it “If you are taking Citalopram hydrobromide, or you care for someone who is taking Citalopram hydrobromide, you need to look out for changes in thoughts or behaviour that could be linked to self-harm or suicide.” Fantastic! I don’t like change, but also I feel like I should go back next week and see my real doctor because I am not coping. I’m home now and I am still shaking and now I’m crying too. I’m not even sad, my brain is just forcing water out through my eyes. I don’t want to make another appointment. It might seem weird. I should wait the month out. I don’t want to waste anyones time. I deserve the pain in my shoulders and lower back, I deserve the scars I get from the incisions I made in my arm. I deserve to feel this way. That doctor doesn’t know me, I am not smart. I pretty much failed almost all of my schooling until I reached 18. I am going to see how this month pans out, let it happen. I deserve this. I deserve to suffer this.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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34 thoughts on “This Will All Blow Over In Time

  1. I know I just recently became a follower, but my heart strings are pulled by this posting. It’s obvious what turmoil you are in and sometimes offering a hug seems so short of what is really needed. I don’t completely understand all you must deal with, but I do know that there are very few people that deserve to suffer…and those are people that are usually locked up in a prison for very good reasons.

    I hope you get through this and I hope whatever bit of sunshine you can find today or the next is enough to brighton a little bit of your world. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Self hatred is hard to deal with, you can never do anything right. Negativity rules and nothing is ever good in your life, because you are always expecting the worse to happen and that its probably your fault. Self blame, self hatred, self harming. Negative outlook on life.

    Dear, I know how you feel. I’ve been there so many times and have lived in that dark place for the longest time. The bad thoughts about people who hurt me, emotionally or physically. The self hatred and being sensitive to everything everyone around me does and says. Took me a long time to learn how to accept who I am, (although I’m still working on it some days).

    No one is perfect. NO ONE. They may believe so, but they are delusional. You are fine the way you are, you’re just going thru some bad things right now and the world looks like hell.

    When your regular Doctor gets back, explain to him what’s been happening. Be cautious of those meds the other doc prescribed you. You are smart. You looked them up for side effects and now, you know what to look for.

    I”m not going to tell you how clever, wonderful and beautiful you are as a person. I know I found it hard to take compliments, they hurt like arrows, because on the inside, my head was saying LIES.

    Keep up the therapy, keep up the blogging, get the thoughts out of your head and dismiss the negative.

    And btw, the fat thing with the pizza, that’s your mother’s issue. Not yours. IF you want some pizza, eat it. Don’t obsess about weight, then you stress out and next thing you know you have gained due to the stress and blah, blah, blah.

    Take it easy on yourself. We are our own worst critics. Breathe, relax and just be in the moment.

    Hoping things improve for you in the coming days.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Your not a bad person, your in crisis, and pressures at work don’t help but then your caught between a rock and a hard place, to tell or not to tell.

    This horrid illness does nothing but wreak havoc, and talking to useless doctors who just want to medicate and give you yet another leaflet just add to your burden.

    I cannot understand with all the knowledge we have now, how doctors can miss the signs, or at the very least have the sense to refer you.

    I would suggest you either dil the number on the leaflet or wait until your own doctor comes back, theraphy can help and they can give you coping mechanisims to get you through, writing also gives you a necessary outlet thankfully.

    Hopefully things will calm down,and improve for you soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. God never makes junk. You are in a trance of self hate in my opinion. I hope you do make an appointment with your regular doctor sooner rather than later. I wish you could find a professional to talk to that might be able to help you break this trance you are in. Showing a therapist you blogs would give them a true insight of how you are feeling and a clear picture of your pain. What a wonderful resource for a caregiver. Your writing shows you are smart and in much pain. I think there is someone just waiting to be supportive and just might be the therapist who could give you tools for recovery. If you had a friend saying the same things your are saying and thinking what would you say to them? Here are some quotes that may strike a cord of truth. Change starts with you , but it doesn’t start until you do. There is no elevator to life, you have to take the stairs. Fear is not your enemy, It is a compass pointing to the areas where you need to grow, Living in the moment and facing your fears might just liberate you. Praying for you. Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

      • If you see one and show your blogs to them and it does go badly you can find another one. You are really in control. I would see if you can built trust. Give it a few sessions. Be honest with who ever about you trusting or not trusting them. Have you figured out yet that part of you is scared of any changes, even good ones? That is normal. We get comfort with what we are use to. Change, even for the best can sometimes create anxious feelings. Plus you may need to face some demons in therapy and that is often painful but necessary. You are stronger than you even know. Go for it girl. When you are far far down there is only one way to go and that is up. Hugs and prayers.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Other people’s reactions and their shallow misunderstandings of depression (like that of the “doctor”) can leave you in a very lonely place, and even more depressed!
    Thank you for being so honest. I’m sure there are many people out there who are too frightened to speak to someone, or think they are going mad, because they have dark thoughts, or physical pain seemingly for no reason. I admire your courage in seeking help, and I hope you will soon find some more courage to go back and see your own doctor.
    No-one wants depression, No-one deserves depression.

    Your messages explain how depression can manifest in so many ways.
    Stress/panic attacks is very often linked to depression, and physical pain, that comes from emotional pain, is also very common in this society that has huge expectations of us all – other people’s expectations that are forced upon us!
    .
    Hold on tight to your courage, let the tears flow when you need to, and
    I hope that one day those dark clouds in your mind will begin to blow away, and you’ll wake up to a brighter world.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dear Elephant, I hope there is a part of you that knows you are overly hard on yourself and that you don’t deserve what life is dishing out! Any of these situations would have me in a puddle. Just hang on til your doctor gets back and try not to harm yourself one day at a time. Meanwhile if it IS helpful to write stuff out, write it out. Praying for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You don’t deserve suffering. It’s hard to see anything good when in the dark places. Now that it won’t stay and it’s temporary. I hope you have a therapist or someone you can talk to when you get down on yourself. That seems to really help me get out of that headspace.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Okay hun again breath, you are like myself but to an extreme very hard on yourself. And I can say all meds have side effects cetalepram or I call it celexa is the only and I’ve been on many meds that has worked wonders for me, you’ll never know tell you try. And it sounds like anything is better than what your going through now. So whether it’s this doctor or your original be open to there suggestions don’t research the shit out of it because with every med and everything on earth there is a drawback but some are worth the chance, from your writing, you desperately need to take a chance. Just trust that the doctors are doing what is in your best interest and are not out there to cause you more harm, okay? Your anxiety sounds sky high so I’d say you’ll need something else to deal with that and again I’m being honest as a fellow ‘patient’ , I’ve been mentally ill most of my life, just tell yourself this isn’t working and surrender to the possibility that these doctors and psychiatrists know what there talking about. I really feel for you, I really want you to give it a shot, you might be suprised, your anxiety is getting the best of you and holding you hostage, time to move forward and I don’t mean that negatively at all, all in good time. Best of luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. i suffer from mild depression and general anxiety too, but not as severely as you’ve described. i try this method, go to a park with a lot of trees and flowers, concentrate on the beautify of it all and get myself into a dreamlike situation. i do that when i get stressed, some kind of meditation. of course, you dont have this option when at work.
    a pet can help. in a stressfull day, to hold your cat or have it cuddle on your lap can be very therapuetic. i read research about it that said it helps.
    many autistic people practice in self harm, and i might to a tiny extent, like biting my lips until they’re swollen or slamming my head against the wall, but not hard enough to really cause harm. i like danger too, and took crazy chances. it’s part of asperger, i think.
    please try to remember that this is just a phase, a bump in the road. not something that’s going to last forever. those mood swings come and go, and spending time with the people you care about can help a great deal, too.
    this blaming yourself and saying you’re terrible and hurting others is a part of the mood swing. it’s not who you really are. i read about mania depression that mood swings include anxiety, sadness, self harm, self blame, and low self esteem. it described exactly what you said, people thinking they’re hurting their families, that everyone hates them. this isnt true. this isnt even your talking, but your mood swings. when it’s over, you’ll see it isnt true.
    you havent done anything bad. i know some horrible people whom everyone does hate and are bad for their family, but you certainly dont sound anything like that. you cant hurt anyone else beside yourself with your thoughts, and your mother sounds loving and caring.
    you have to reason to believe you’re stupid or will set the workplace on fire. it’s the anxiety and self hatred stemming from your mood swings. you’ll see yourself and the world in a new light when through riding this wave.
    good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Above everything, I hope you learn the truth that you do not deserve this. None of us deserve this, this painful and aching existence is caused by a disease, and it is not karmic. I hope that through your strength and the given strength of those around you, that you are able to overcome your fear, and can live a life without this pain. With love from the internet xx

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This post and your previous one made me cry. It could have been written by my daughter. She’d kill me if she knew I’d told you that. You write so eloquently about your pain. I wish I could help you both.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Hello, I just found your blog. I’ve read posts, and I just want to say- keep blogging. You are helping so many people by doing this. 🙂 Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone in this.

    Like

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