I think I am effecting people negatively with my depression, well not exactly my depression more my self harm.
I have been shouted at by almost everyone I have told about it. Is it selfish of me to feel that I don’t deserve to be shouted at? I mean I understand people are worried they have every right to be worried, but are they worried about me for selfish reasons? At the moment my brain is not working properly at all, I have become incredibly nervous and suspicious of people and I hate that.
There are people in my life I genuinely care about and would do anything for. I hope those people know that. There are people I do things for because I know they will return the favour and there are people I don’t do things for because it does not help me. Of course, there are also times when I go out of my way to help someone for no reward. This happens of course more often than I have made it sound, but I wonder how many people I class in that first group class me there? But that is my point about people being selfish about my self harm. Are they worried about me? Or worried I won’t be there to help them if I go too far?
My brain works overtime, it’s embarrassing to admit you feel this way. It’s humiliating to be the person that is willing to admit that we as humans have ulterior motives. I’m at not suggesting everyone in my life has ulterior motives. Not at all. If anything I’m sure it’s a smaller proportion of people that do have ulterior motives to those that don’t.
Maybe I have become sceptical. As part of my Aspergers assessment I did a “Reading the Mind in the Eyes” test. I scored badly. The point of the test is to see how well you can read other people’s emotions. I used a process of elimination, which didn’t really help me. I was told that people who were expressing positive emotions I assumed were negative and the negative faces I assumed were also negative. I was told that someone could be being nice to me and I could see it as being negative and maybe that’s my problem. I think people are selfish. I know I am selfish in certain circumstances others I am not. But I also know that my moral, ethics and need to follow the rules are much more concentrated than others due to my Aspergers.
I go out of my way to make people happy and I know I am not the only person who does. I find it hard to trust people completely and whilst I tend to always see the good in people when I first meet them. It takes a lot for me to truly trust someone enough to let them know the real me. If I can’t trust my parents with that privilege those who do know me, should feel privileged.
But as this has gone majorly off topic. I feel my depression mushroom clouds over those who know about it. Engulfing them and making them feel worse, especially if they themselves are prone to mental health problems. This past week has been hard. It has been hard to watch my partner crash so hard and not be able to help because I too am not in a good place. But also because I know part of the problem is me. I caused this. My negativity, my depression. My toxic depression latching on to him like a facehugger from Alien and consuming his soul. The same way it has consumed mine. I am shackled to depression like a criminal. A thief imprisoned for not only the theft of my own happiness. But the attempted theft and criminal damage caused to those people around me. Not just my partner, but my friends and family. My brother doesn’t know about my problems, but sometimes when I’m really bad and I snap at him I see the effect it has and I feel guilty. My mushroom cloud of depression causing devastation wherever I go. Work, home, socialising. I can’t escape it.
The Elephant In The Room