My Mushroom Cloud of Depression

Dear Reader,

I think I am effecting people negatively with my depression, well not exactly my depression more my self harm.

I have been shouted at by almost everyone I have told about it. Is it selfish of me to feel that I don’t deserve to be shouted at? I mean I understand people are worried they have every right to be worried, but are they worried about me for selfish reasons? At the moment my brain is not working properly at all, I have become incredibly nervous and suspicious of people and I hate that.

There are people in my life I genuinely care about and would do anything for. I hope those people know that. There are people I do things for because I know they will return the favour and there are people I don’t do things for because it does not help me. Of course, there are also times when I go out of my way to help someone for no reward. This happens of course more often than I have made it sound, but I wonder how many people I class in that first group class me there? But that is my point about people being selfish about my self harm. Are they worried about me? Or worried I won’t be there to help them if I go too far?

My brain works overtime, it’s embarrassing to admit you feel this way. It’s humiliating to be the person that is willing to admit that we as humans have ulterior motives. I’m at not suggesting everyone in my life has ulterior motives. Not at all. If anything I’m sure it’s a smaller proportion of people that do have ulterior motives to those that don’t.

Maybe I have become sceptical. As part of my Aspergers assessment I did a “Reading the Mind in the Eyes” test. I scored badly. The point of the test is to see how well you can read other people’s emotions. I used a process of elimination, which didn’t really help me. I was told that people who were expressing positive emotions I assumed were negative and the negative faces I assumed were also negative. I was told that someone could be being nice to me and I could see it as being negative and maybe that’s my problem. I think people are selfish. I know I am selfish in certain circumstances others I am not. But I also know that my moral, ethics and need to follow the rules are much more concentrated than others due to my Aspergers.

I go out of my way to make people happy and I know I am not the only person who does. I find it hard to trust people completely and whilst I tend to always see the good in people when I first meet them. It takes a lot for me to truly trust someone enough to let them know the real me. If I can’t trust my parents with that privilege those who do know me, should feel privileged.

But as this has gone majorly off topic. I feel my depression mushroom clouds over those who know about it. Engulfing them and making them feel worse, especially if they themselves are prone to mental health problems. This past week has been hard. It has been hard to watch my partner crash so hard and not be able to help because I too am not in a good place. But also because I know part of the problem is me. I caused this. My negativity, my depression. My toxic depression latching on to him like a facehugger from Alien and consuming his soul. The same way it has consumed mine. I am shackled to depression like a criminal. A thief imprisoned for not only the theft of my own happiness. But the attempted theft and criminal damage caused to those people around me. Not just my partner, but my friends and family. My brother doesn’t know about my problems, but sometimes when I’m really bad and I snap at him I see the effect it has and I feel guilty. My mushroom cloud of depression causing devastation wherever I go. Work, home, socialising. I can’t escape it.

As Always,

The Elephant In The Room

21 thoughts on “My Mushroom Cloud of Depression

  1. I just came out of a terrible depression. I wish you the best in coping. I made a lot of mistakes and alienated myself by thinking everyone was against me, but as i get better, I see it was my disorder and depression working overtime. Please get yourself whatever counseling and maybe new/different meds. Stay safe and keep writing, it helps.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hi Elephant, you made me smile, thanks. You made me smile because in reading your post, I was thinking “That’s exactly how I think.” I reckon you hit the nail on the head, several nails actually. When you talk about ulterior motives I think you are spot on, and lots of people must be thinking the same way, they’re just afraid to admit it because we should always see the good in people.
    On the point of people worrying about you for selfish reasons, I totally understand where you are coming from. I can compare it to Grief. We feel a great loss on the death of a friend or a loved one, but that loss is our loss. We have lost something from our own lives – and feel that loss selfishly, as if someone took away our favourite toy.
    Thanks for enveloping me in your mushroom cloud Elephant. Keep writing.
    btw – you seem quite normal to me.

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  3. People really struggle with understanding self harm and this is for a lot of reasons. I think you’ve covered some of these really well here. There are some really good resources on self harm online aimed at friends and family to try and help them understand. Generally they see the damage and can’t understand how it can possibly help, because in their brains which are thinking full of logic why would anyone hurt themselves on purpose. But as we know that isn’t the way we work and we harm ourselves for a variety of reasons. I would urge you to look some of these up and find one or two which explain it well for you and share it. I did with my family a few years ago and it has really helped and stopped the pressure from them because I have harmed and turned it to more of a supportive role when I do and help in ways to control the urges.

    Try not to blame yourself for other people’s bad moods aswell. Everyone has lots going on in their lives and these things affect them and can cause them negativity. It’s easy for us to blame ourselves and feel like because we have depression we are affecting everyone around us, but we don’t have as much affect in everyone else as we think we do.

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  4. Please don’t blame yourself for other peoples bad moods, it’s bad enough coping with what’s going on in your own head. Believe me I know, u need to take the time to be selfish and do what you need to to make you feel better. As for people who shout, they are scared, talk to them and explain if you can. You can’t make them understand but answer their questions if up your strong enough people are afraid of what they don’t understand. Sending hugs xxxx


  5. No one deserves to be shouted at. Sometimes we slip from being nice. Being selfish when you have depression I believe is a must and part of that is being kind to yourself, call it selfish but its not really. It’s putting yourself first. Saying no to others in times when you need time to yourself is important.
    I don’t understand self harm. All I can do is listen. Keep writing. Paranoia. I do understand.
    I feel like I have walked out of my mushroom cloud of depression. I like this feeling a lot. The clearness of thought. With better understanding of depression the bouts are getting shorter.
    Hugs and may your cloud disappear soon. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. They shout because they don’t understand/know how to help/are scared, not realising you feel all these things too.

    Depression as you know takes no prisoners, but help can be found and you can recover, but it takes a lot of time and you can only do this when your ready, and that step is the hardestto take and I’m sure you will when your ready.

    Take care.


  7. Sweetie, I’m no Dr, but from what I’ve read on Asperger’s you have normal intelligence, it’s more of a communication problem. Now depression can effect so many different things, but it sounds like you have a lot of anxiety. You did not cause your partners relapse or mental instability. I know you don’t want to hear this but being with someone such as yourself a lot of the time just gives the other person an excuse. Not to say this is the case, but you can play off each other. Try to learn to meditate. It’s hard believe me I know. But it can help calm you down so you don’t bite everybody’s head off. But people don’t understand us and sometimes we have to walk away from them no matter who they are.

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  8. I’m all to familiar with that mushroom cloud of depression. I isolate myself to avoid some of the very things you’ve discussed. But I want you to understand and know that you are not responsible for the way that some have reacted to you. One thing that I’ve noticed since coming to grips with my depression is that reactions like that, someone yelling at you, is more about that person than you. It is they who have not educated themselves about your illnesses. Also many people have fixer personalities. They are not able to just listen and be there. Instead they can’t help but to try and fix-it. They get something out of fixing people. And if they can’t fix you then they lash out instead of just listening, acknowledging and just being there. I’m guilty of this… it’s hard to unlearn. They may not mean to lash out, but the insult still stings… the damage is still done.

    One good question to ask when people react like that to you is: have you done any reading about depression/Asperger’s? What I’ve found is it is often ignorance that makes people respond to mental illness the way that they do. If the answer “no”, I don’t engage them. I just politely encourage them to do some reading to help them know how to approach us. (They may not like this but once again their response is more about their own issues). If the answer is yes, then… if I’m up to it, I ask them what they’ve learned–give them kudos when it’s correct to soothe their savage beast but gently give them feedback when they are incorrect. This may all be too much to take on when you are in an acute episode. But I think that if we all can master this in one way or another, it may help to diffuse some of our own anxieties while eliminating some of the stigma through re-education. Sending many hugs and warm thoughts your way… hoping that cloud dwindles it’s way to a mere vapor 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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