The 6 Month Pact

Dear Reader,

In February I gave myself 6 months to change things. If things didn’t change my intention was to kill myself in august. As you can probably see it’s almost November which comes 9 months after February and I’m still here.

I haven’t had a great year, it has been filled with the ups and downs of a personal rollarcoaster that could rival one of Disney Lands finest. I’m not going to say things have changed. I’m not going to say that I’m ok now, I’m not going to say that I still don’t think people would be better off without me and I’m not going to say that I don’t sometimes still think about dying. I can’t say that I won’t think about suicide again. I can’t promise anyone I will still be here next year. I can’t predict my future.

I began writing about my mental health in late July, 5 months into my pact. This is not the first blog I have written, I have started and ended more projects than I can remember. But this has been the most successful for me. By successful I mean, I have wanted to write, I have made friends, writing, I have been given support. I have written about films, music, general stuff. But this blog has been the easiest to maintain. This blog was private until mid August. My reason for making this public was that I decided that I wanted to attempt to help other people and maybe expressing my struggles so brutally and bluntly, I could help someone, even if it was just one person, maybe understand their own mental health problems and think “you know what, that’s exactly like how I felt this time” I hoped that in doing that, those people would then find the strength to be able to talk about their struggles, whether that would be online, to a doctor, to a friend to their family. I’m sure you get the idea.

I’m not trying to make myself out to be the Martin Luther King of mental health. I just wanted to help people and found this was the easiest way, and maybe in a self-centred way I knew that if people actually wanted to read this it would give me a reason to not kill myself in august. it gave me a way to express myself without hurting anyones feelings, a way for me to help myself understand my own mental health problems as well as help others. And it did.

I keep a physical copy of my posts and a few people in my life to read it this way instead. I have never been very good at expressing my emotions I don’t really understand my emotions a lot of the time. But writing has made it a lot easier to express them. The support I have gotten from people who have read things and now understand me a lot better has been overwhelming. I don’t think people realised just how bad my mental health was until they read about it and in a way that’s probably been hard for them, knowing they can’t help me and that even worse I spend 90% of the time lying to them and saying I’m ok.

I think I have caused a great deal of shock amongst those who know me personally. They may disagree with this, but I doubt they realised just how critical of myself, I am, or how even though I know I shouldn’t do certain things my self control and ability to not do them is so low due to my inability to care about myself that I can’t always stop myself from cutting myself, mixing my pills and drinking more than I should And maybe that’s a good thing. I am the person that always says I’m ok, even when I’m not. And I think it’s important for people who are close to me to understand me, maybe eventually I will talk to my parents too. But I’m taking it one step at a time.

My 6 month pact may have ended 2 months ago, I maybe have survived that. But I will see where I am in February and report back. Maybe I will have learnt to be a better person who believes it when people tell me I’m worth the time of day. But, if I haven’t maybe just continuing to write will give me a purpose I didn’t know existed.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

Advertisements

29 thoughts on “The 6 Month Pact

  1. Well, I know that I’m a relative new-comer to your blog, and I am thankful for that. I know you write in a way that allows others to relate to what you’re going through and that has to be a help to others. I think so many people go through serious contemplations about death and how theirs would impact the world. And I think finding a way to impact the world – much like you are doing with this blog – is important.

    One thing is for sure, however, you are taking positive steps towards a better you, even if it isn’t easy. So, maintain the work you do and are doing. πŸ™‚

    ~d

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I started blogging agin in September for similar reasons, if it helps then so much the better.

    In reading your blog I see your struggles, and the honesty in which youwrite takes my breath away sometimess.

    February was a longtime ago and you have found reasons to go on everyday no matter how difficuit it is, and that’s the best way one day at a time.

    Your putting up a teriffic fight, you have courage keep it up.
    take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wonderful blog from the heart and mind. Stay inspired to write. The sharing of your thoughts and life will not only help others but inspire them as well. It is truly a wonderful thing you have found a bit of peace and inspiration in sharing your blog. I look forward to reading all you have to write about.
    Best wishes,
    Expressive Mind

    Liked by 1 person

  4. “I can’t promise anyone I will still be here next year. I can’t predict my future.”
    None of us can promise this.
    I too hope that my blue poems might help someone. I know I have never reached the depths of despair that some have. Sometimes all we need or want is understanding. We don’t need advice or sympathy just understanding.

    Like

  5. I am very glad that your pact didn’t work out and that you are still here.

    Also, the phrase “the Martin Luther King of mental health” made me laugh out loud. Cheers.

    Like

  6. Thank you for sharing this. I have been sharing my struggles of late in the hope that I too can help just one person to know they are not alone. These topics are so rarely talked about anymore that people feel they can’t talk to anyone. You are incredibly brave to stand up for you cause. Love this. Xxx

    Like

  7. I made a similar pact with myself a few years ago. I decided I would kill myself if things didn’t get better when I left home to go to university. Things actually got much worse, but I’m still here and I’m glad of it, even thought my depression has been quite bad lately. I’m glad you’re still here as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Keep writing and taking it one day at a time. By doing so you show others on pain how to do the same thing. We are never alone and we are good enough. Much love.

    Like

  9. I have made this pact with myself as well. I am still here, still struggling, still alive and kicking, even if sometimes I kick weakly. I’m glad you’re doing the same. Hang in there. πŸ™‚

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s