My Stronger Autistic Traits

Dear Reader,

This is a difficult post for me, it’s hard for me to admit certain autistic traits I have. I have only known about my Aspergers for 3 years now. Those around me that know about it would probably assume I have no problem with it because I constantly make jokes out of things I do and refer to them as “my autisms” but those that don’t know I have Aspergers probably won’t ever know. It’s not something I broadcast, not because I’m embarrassed, but because people don’t really understand the autism spectrum. And, it changes the way people think about you when they think you have “something wrong with you” Aspergers isn’t good, it isn’t fun. It makes my brain work differently to others. It makes me say inappropriate things, it makes me feel stupid sometimes, It makes me feel inferior. I am fully aware of when I do certain things, that I am doing them because of my Aspergers.

Rocking

I tend to sit on the floor cross-legged more often than I sit on chairs, is that an autism thing too? But the problem is I tend to rock backwards and forwards, not visibly. But I know I am doing it, especially if I am not concentrating on something. I will rock. I guess this is my “stim” or, as they call it in the autism world self-stimulating behaviour. Which personally I think sounds incredibly stupid and kind of pisses me off. For me, it’s something I do when I’m nervous or anxious, it doesn’t make me feel any better. Another thing I do which I guess is also a “stim” (stupid word) is pacing, I pace a lot usually with my hands on my head. I probably look crazy. I walk in lines, I walk in circles. When I’m close to having a panic attack I often do this hands on the head thing, I play with my hair a lot too. It’s very frustrating.

Certain words

Certain words drive me crazy! The sound of them makes me want to physically hit something. Words like “Stim” and “stimming for example. Annoyingly, I can’t think of any others of the top of my head. What I tend to find is though that when someone says a word that does annoy me, I tend to repeat it in my head in an infinite loop frustrating myself even more.

Talking too much

Sometimes I just can’t stop talking about random stuff, even when I know a person is not interested or listening to me. It happens a lot. And it’s kind of frustrating because I can’t stop talking. No matter what I do words don’t stop coming out. When they finally do I get incredibly angry at myself for being annoying and talking too much and then I consider hurting myself for being an idiot. Which brings me to..

Self injurious behavior

Sometimes when I am really angry at a situation, I punch the wall, a lot. Sometimes I will bang my head on a wall. One time I punched myself so hard in the head ,I bruised myself, “whilst yelling stupid brain” It sounds funny now, but it wasn’t at the time.

Rehearsing conversations in my head

When I know I’m going to have to have a particularly difficult conversation with someone the next day I usually lie in bed, unable to sleep because the conversation is being rehearsed in my head. Over and over, different reactions that person might have. Different ways I can explain things. This is annoying, but what makes it even worse is sometimes even after rehearsing for 2 hours the night before, I still can’t tell the person about these things because my brain still doesn’t feel ready.

Awkward silences

Sometimes when I’m with just one person, even people I know really well, there will be a really awkward silence because I literally have no idea what to say at that point and the other person is waiting for me to respond. So I just stand there, not making eye contact… Sometimes saying words that are irrelevant.

Being awkward in social situations with large groups in confined areas.

Even worse, being in large groups of people I don’t know very well. I struggle A LOT. I tend to go silent and play with my phone. And then make up an excuse to leave. And then even with people I do know in confined situations. I tend to consistently roll off jokes to try and make the situation less awkward for myself. I hate attention, and whilst making jokes is bringing attention to me, I feel like everyone is staring at me anyway and it just makes it a little easier to deal with.

Not knowing how to react to emotional people

What exactly do you do when someone is crying? I mean seriously!? I don’t understand… Like, if they hurt themselves, then fine, I can deal with that, but if they are crying emotionally. I just get awkward and try and make stupid jokes

Having a “specialist subject” and spouting off random pop culture references and trivia

I know too much about some things. Like a crazy amount, like Wikipedia level amounts. And it’s intimidating for some people, but also awkward for me to be able to reel of that amount of information about something absolotely ridiculous like how the film toy story was made. Another thing that I do is to make random pop culture references to TV shows that haven’t aired for over 20 years. or say some random trivia that is only slightly relevant to the current conversation generally people look at me like I just said I had killed someone. But sometimes they are like “why do you even know that” which of course is just me thinking “why do I know that?”

Wearing headphones too much

This is one I struggle with. People look at me like I am rude for wearing headphones, I mean I take them off if someone is talking to me. But I walk around with them on, I sit on the bus with them on. Sometimes I wear them when Im in my parents car. It’s not me being rude. I just have a really strong dislike for certain noises. In busy places with loud noises drive me crazy, shopping centers, buses etc. I hate being on the bus with no headphones. I carry 3 devices with music and headphone ports in case the battery on one dies. I can’t stand being on the bus without headphones. I hate loud places, clubs, bars, discos, sporting events, concerts you get the idea. I hate loud noises. Sometimes the music in my own headphones drives me crazy.

So as you can see, even though I am supposedly only “mildly” affected by Aspergers, there is a long list of things that affect it a lot. It must be so incredibly hard for those who have it worse than me, I couldn’t even begin to understand how difficult it must be for those people. All I know is Aspergers and autism suck, I just want to have a normal brain that doesn’t do all that stuff. I hate my stupid brain sometimes.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

 

Advertisements

17 thoughts on “My Stronger Autistic Traits

  1. Ah, Elephant, even though this is only the second post of yours I have read, I like you already. I do a few of these things you listed, but I’m not going to ruin it by saying which ones! My father had Asperger’s. I suppose that makes me predisposed to liking people who might remind me of my father. He didn’t do very many of these things you listed. But he knew what was inside his own head and diagnosed himself with Asperger’s when he was in his 60s. For him it was a relief to discover what was “wrong” with him. And to discover that all the things he had considered “faults” were in fact not his fault at all because he had this condition that he was probably born with.

    I do not say this to take away from your story. I mention it because I think it is nice to meet others who are my kind of normal. Now when my father first told me about his discovery, I was very uncomfortable! I feel guilty that I didn’t really let him talk about it very much. He offered to let me read the book that had led him to make his self-diagnosis and I refused because I just didn’t want to deal with it. I told him that he seemed normal to me but he was the one who knew what was going on inside of himself and if he thought he had Asperger’s then that was good enough for me. Now, of course, I wish I had let him talk about it to me.

    I just wasn’t there on the learning curve when he was alive. After he died I picked up the book he had read, which I now own, and noticed that he had taken the rather long test at the end of the book. I added up his scores and sure enough he was kind of in the middle of the Asperger’s range. No mistake about it. He was right. And I’m with you on the question of, if this is mild autism, then what the hell is it like to have full autism????? Pretty bad I’d say.

    Awesome post and awesome writing, Elephant!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you very much, that is an interesting story. When I found out I was autistic I was 22. I told the support workers at university who had just assessed me for dyslexia that I thought I had a form of autism so they sent me for the test. Sometimes we do have to diagnose ourselves. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wonderful self expression of your symptoms and experiences. I am probably repeating myself but your writings will help others and I hope it helps you as well. You are a beautiful person, remember that.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. a friend of mine, her daughter has Aspergers, I didn’t really know that much about it, her daughters behaviours manifest when very stressed, she tends to rip her clothes up etc.

    Thank you for explaining the different behaviours as usual I alwayslearn something when I visit your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So strong to share these very private things.
    I’ve had a little to do with Aspergers during my days as in Community Work. There was one teenage kid in particular I found brilliant, just misuderstood. My last girlfriend’s brother also had Aspergers. This has lead me to pursue Disability Work in “Challenging Behaviours”(terrible term I know).
    Thank you so much for sharing! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank God someone else hates the word ‘stimming’… ugh – it’s just so ugly. I have other words I hate so much I couldn’t even type them here. And I get words and phrases repeating in loops too in my head. In fact I can relate to a lot of what you said here although I do find rocking with my cat on my lap kind of relaxing.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. thank you for sharing. i only wish you saw your differences as a gift to see the world differently. I also wish the world wasn’t so hard on you about how different you are. but you seem intelligent and to mean well and those close to you i hope at least understand that you are not any sort of “alien” by all means due to those differences. i wish you the best.

    Like

  7. I am hoping you begin loving yourself no matter what. You are who you are. Just be you. People will except you are not. Their loss if they don’t open there arms to you. I have a step-son who was never diagnosised high functioning autistic but I am sure he is. He has never been comfortable in social situations. He has a job as a fork lift operator and is loved by the people he works for. He is married to a lady from the Philippines. They are a great match. He doesn’t seem to give a rip what people think of him. He is still very child like but is very responsible and happy. After his dad and I married in 1985 when my husband would leave the room his son would follow him even if it was to the bathroom. I just ignored it. There were lots of other things he did that seemed off but again I just excepted him. l think happiness is out there for you. Try not to focus on what bugs you about yourself. Just love yourself. Lots of people hate certain sounds and walk around with head phones etc plugged into their ears. Enjoy the music and to hell with the world. Also plant a smile on your face. Doesn’t cost a dime and might make you feel better.Just some thoughts from a lady old as dirt. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s