I can’t sleep, I am too on edge, I’m freaking out over stupid things and its driving me crazy. It’s really horrible how realising you have so much to do can make a person freak out so much. You see tomorrow is my day off, and I have a list of things I need to do. But this list has only contributed to another list anxieties which has turned my anxiety level from moderate to critical in a matter of minutes.
So this list that has made everything skyrocket, is annoyingly frustrating and full of one of the things I hate most, tomorrow I have to make some phone calls, I am absolutely petrified of phones, I hate answering them, I hate using them. I shake violently and find it difficult to breathe before I make a phone call. I should clarify that I don’t have this problem calling everyone, my friends, family and partner I can call without that reaction. It’s the more official kind of phone calls, or my extended family. I get terrified. I struggle to make conversation anyway, so I hate that, I forget what I am talking about and I stutter and say “um” a lot in everyday conversation without realising. Anyway, today I have to make 3 phone calls, one to my bank, one to my gym and one to my doctors surgery.
I need to change the phone number on my bank account, I have said before how it drives me crazy when people ring my house phone looking for me. I’m never really at home so it’s a silly place to look for me, but also it makes my parents ask questions. Yesterday the bank called my house, I assume it is about the fact I accidentally locked myself out of my online banking account and emailed them to get it fixed. But I’m still worried. What if I had gone bankrupt? What if someone has stolen all of my money? What if there is fraud on my account? What if its not really the bank and I give them my details willingly and they steal my money? See, this is not what I want to be worrying about before I try to sleep! I will make that call after my parents leave for work about 1:30. I like to be alone, so I can make these calls, in peace without any eavesdroppers. I am terribly scared of my family eavesdropping on ANY conversations I have, with anyone, friends, other family members, companies.
I have to call my gym to cancel my membership, I just don’t have time anymore. Writing has become a much more valuable use of my time and I am losing more weight now than I was when I was going to the gym. And in all honesty, I don’t care about my weight, I am not skinny and I don’t want to be. I’m fine as I am. But, I’m sure they will ask 100 questions. And so I will tell them about how their personal trainers are trying to get people to join the “Herbal Life” pyramid scheme which costs over £100 a month to get some crappy Slimfast milkshake crap, some multivitamins and some green tea. My friend took on a reduced £65 version of this when we first started our gym session. She was told she would get weekly appointments with the persona trainer, she got one and he got £65, then he disappeared. It may have happened 8 months ago, but still, it’s annoying.
And then I have to make a doctors appointment. I have a terrible short term memory, according to my dyslexia assessment my auditory processing and memory isn’t very good. Which means people tell me to do something and then 10 seconds later I have forgotten what they have said. It makes me look stupid a lot. But because I get so anxious on the phone I have to write out everything I want to say to make sure it gets said. So I had to make appointment suggestions, dates, times, days and then write down what I am told because if I don’t write it down I forget and have to ring them back and look stupid. I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed by my disabilities, but sometimes they do make me look stupid.
Tomorrow is my day off, this is probably a good thing because I doubt I will sleep from all the freaking out. I’m worrying about other stupid things as well. I’m going to have to take a Zopiclone.
I need to remember to go out tomorrow as I had arranged to meet some friends in the evening. But I also need to go to the town center and pick up some other stuff. Hair wax to keep my damn fringe from making me look like Chewbacca. I need to buy biscuits and drinks to keep me alive on Friday. Friday is my next day off and I have no plans, which makes me happy. I intend to stay in bed, write and eat too much junk food, including a nice big pizza. All for myself.
I need to feed my lizards tomorrow because I’m scared they are getting sick, even though they are fine and are probably just confused by the temperature change and time change. They don’t come out in the day anyway. So, I have to wait until it’s dark to see them. But they look a little grumpy. Their temperature is fine. I hope its the time change.
I got my pension statement through today, this is an even stupider thing to worry about. I‘ve only been paying into it a few months, but I’m freaking out that I am going to be broke when I retire because it’s so empty. Do I save for my pension? For a house? For things I want? For clothes? For holidays? I hate that life is so complicated. God damn it brain. Why do you do this! I just want to be normal.
I don’t want to go back to work on Thursday, I can’t face seeing people. I’m getting anxious about everything. I think I need time off. I think I need to take my doctor up on his offer of time off work. maybe I should wait until after christmas. I can’t lose a weeks worth of pay. Money makes me freak out. Not having money makes me freak out more. Letting people down freaks me out. I let everyone down all the time. I can’t do it. I’m starting to feel a little bit like Atlas holding the weight of Uranus on my shoulders. It’s funny, most people think Atlas held earth on his shoulders, he did not. But, I wish he did. Because saying “I feel like I am holding Uranus on my back” is just begging to be turned in to a joke.
The Elephant in the Room