Self-inflicted

Dear Reader,

So I have an infection in my belly button. Again.

I initially thought I knew the cause of this infection, I thought it was a bacterial infection caused by a scar I have there. But upon further inspection, it seems it is infact stress induced. That’s right stress is now clawing its way out of my belly button like some kind of umbilical cord of frustration. It’s only a matter of time before it strangles me and I suffocate falling to the floor only to become nothing but a red flaky mess, so bad that when they try to do my autopsy, they will probably just write “cause of death: aliens.”.

I want to pretend I haven’t forcibly infected my own belly button with my mental health. I would prefer to think I have had some crazy Matrix induced fever dream where a bug was inserted into my naval to track my location in the Matrix. At least I could say I clawed at my belly button trying to remove it in horror and fear Instead of the truth, which is, I managed to lower my immune system by letting my mental health problems beat me over the head.

I realised I had got my diagnosis horribly wrong when the use of antiseptic cream did nothing but make it worse. My belly button get more inflamed, painful and well, angry looking. I assume what happened was the same type of effect that happens when a cartoon character gets pissed off and goes bright red before their head explodes. Thankfully, I realised my mistake before my belly button exploded. Of course, my belly button does not have a brain or anything to explode being a hole and all. So it would probably just implode and I would probably eventually be consumed by it, leaving nothing but a belly button on my bed, I would hate to be the person who discovered me after that catastrophe.

The highlight of this all is that to clear up my belly button I am having to use athletes foot cream, putting it on a cotton bud and jamming it in my belly button. That’s right, cream people put on their feet I am putting in my belly button.

It’s cleared up since the infection first started, It no longer looks as angry. It’s not so red now and it’s not leaking. It’s just flakey.

So it’s 1pm. I had woken up at 2am, 4am and then 5am (haven’t gone back to sleep after) and I’m getting annoyed at myself. I think I will have to add “lack of sleep” to my list of things I need to tell my doctor. That list is growing by the day and I am getting increasingly worried. I hope I have time to discuss it all during my appointment.

I think my lack of sleep recently has contributed to what, on reflection, sounds like some form of terrifying horror movie version of a belly button infection. On the other hand, if the infection continues maybe I will have some weird mushrooms coming out of my belly button and then it will really look like a horror movie.
Lack of sleep does funny things to me, my train of thought goes off of the rails.

To clarify, I in no way think I will be eventually enveloped by my infected belly button. Nor do I believe I will turn into a giant fungal infection. However. The quicker this darn infection is gone the better.

I don’t particularly want to mention it during my next doctor’s appointment, I have enough to discuss, between the self harm, my dissatisfaction with my new medication, my shoulder/back pain and my lack of sleeping I also want to start taking the contraceptive pill again. Maybe I should make more than one appointment. No, I will write a list I’m getting anxious already and I have a week to go! Stupid anxiety. Ugh. Here is my practice list so I can rehearse the conversation in my head multiple times before next Thursday.

I don’t like my new medication
I have self harmed
I have been getting bad muscular pains in my back and shoulder blades
I want to start taking the contraceptive pill again
I do not want to have a mental breakdown and have to read this list through sobs, that would be very awkward. Maybe I could just hand it to him like an awkward ransom letter. Maybe the fact I turned down more Zopiclone last time I went puts me in good stead for some more?

I can’t find my dictaphone so I will have to use my phone, and I have no intention of going through my wardrobe to find it. Also, it will be less awkward to get my phone on to record before I go in. I don’t want the doctor to know I’m recording, but my short term memory is horrendous sometimes, especially when I am stressed.

I already don’t want to go. I think a list is going to be important because I know I’m just going to have a breakdown when I go in.

If he suggests taking time off of work again, I’m going to have to do it. I realised today that the only person I’m really being selfish, to right now is me. If I take the time off and people don’t understand, then unfortunately I am not currently willing to have to justify my mental illness to them. Or maybe I should just take the note and think about using it. My head is not working.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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16 thoughts on “Self-inflicted

  1. The list of things to discuss with your dr is a great idea. I usually bring a list with me. It helps to have the actual list in your hand. My dr did not seem to react to that as strange so there must be other people that do it.
    Instead of trying to rehearse the list, you could bring it with you. You can read it to them or i find it it sometimes less stressful to just simply hand it to them and let them read it.
    This can alleviate some of your stress about trying to memorize it and being afraid you will forget something important or just be afraid to say it out loud.
    I just hand them the list and then let them do the job you are paying them for by prioritizing it and asking you questions about the things on the list.
    I think this would be less stressful and less intimidating for you.
    Remember that you are paying them to do their job. You are not inconveniencing the dr by having multiple things to discuss. They have other patients with multiple issues at the same dr appt. You are paying for their time.
    You are the customer so let them know what you are there to get help with and don’t feel stupid about the list.

    Liked by 2 people

      • You are welcome. I am sorry that was so long. I did not realize how i rambled on until i saw it.
        I have so much anxiety when i go to a dr appt with multiple things that your post triggered my anxiety. I know how easy it is to forget to tell them something important because your anxiety gets ahold of your brain.
        I did not you to suffer any more than neccessary or to get out of the appt and go into a whole new anxiety attack because you forgot something. I have done it but that was before i started bringing the list in my hand. You need your problems to receive attention. My thoughts are with you

        Like

  2. Yes, definitely take the time off if the doctor recommends it. Work just makes these things worse, IMHO. If I had taken more time off, and also asked for and received help, I might still have a job. Instead, I worked until I was a basket case. In the months before I up and quit, I was turning the corner toward Anorexia, my hair was falling out and I was getting physically sick constantly. I also lost a noticeable amount of weight. It has taken a long time, 18 months, to become physically healthy again. My mind on the other hand….

    Your list of items to talk to the doctor about is quite reasonable and an excellent idea. And nothing wrong with making a list, at the appointment, of what the doctor’s instructions are. Nobody can remember everything and if you don’t want to record it, then writing it down is great. The doctor will just have to go with your flow.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello Elephant – sounds good to me. I like to write things down in the doctors, it helps them remember as well. Then in the pharmacy, I get them to write the prescriptions on the boxes, but then I’m useless with instructions anyway. Loved the humour coming through your belly-button problems, and the reference to The Matrix – it could also have been John Hurt in Alien, or Sooty in a Three of a Kind sketch. Take care, keep writing, thanks.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Hi. I have the beginnings of a massive head cold right now and am quite loopy, so apologies in advance if this does not make complete sense. I am sorry that you are having such a rough go of things. It would seem that an angry belly button is just the dysentery icing on top of the poop cake, as far as that goes. But I wanted to tell you that the first half of this post made me laugh a lot, the first paragraph in particular. I am not sure if you intended that, but it is what happened and I was quite grateful for the laughter. So, thank you. That was nice, intended or un-.

    I hope you get some sweet relief very soon. Or some sleep at least.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Try some Tee Tree oil on your belly button.

    writing a list is best as it keeps you focused on what you want to say, and ensure your listened to.

    If they suggest time off take it, your health is much more important than work, it also might help you get into a regular sleep pattern, tiredeness is draining, and can make everything seem more difficult to cope with.

    I used to eat a lot of seed etc sunflower and all that,then I had this really weird dream that they were all sprouting inside me, so odd never eaten them again, your mention of mushrooms reminded me.

    take care

    Liked by 1 person

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