Citalopram, I Say This With Nothing But Respect. I Hate You.

I can’t sleep.

Citalopram is a bastard of a drug.

One minute I’m feeling fine. Happy. I can’t even remember why I am upset. I feel numb with happiness. I can’t stop laughing and smiling But then when I’m alone, it all comes flooding back. The guilt, the fear, the anxiety, the sadness. I gave myself a panic attack about an hour ago because I was scared I would forget to put the right shoes on tomorrow. That’s not ok. That’s not a way to live.

I need to calm down, my whole body is constantly tense and now my forearms are starting to ache as well as my back and shoulders. It’s making it difficult to move, difficult to work, difficult to concentrate.

I’m lying in bed crying. I’m crying for a few reasons. I just reread a post I have written that I am saving because it’s a difficult one for me to post, but also because I’m not sure my blog is the best place for it. But also because I feel guilty. I am rewinding the year in my head and I feel like a fake. I feel I have lied to the people I spend most of my time with. The people I work with, my family, my extended circle of friends. I have told everyone I am ok. And I’m not. I’m really not ok.

I can’t describe how I’m feeling right now. Between the self hatred and the conversation rehearsal going on in my head that voice is back. The one that tells me I don’t deserve to be here, the one that tells me people say things to wash their hands of the guilt they feel for not being able to make me ok. But the problem is, this voice doesn’t belong to anyone else, its not a schizophrenic voice. It’s my voice. It’s me, telling me that I don’t deserve it.

There is a meeting at work later today, I’m not worried, I’m not nervous. I’m not opposed to standing up and telling everyone who works there about my year.

You see, a year ago today I graduated. And if anything I am feeling disillusioned. I am content with my choices. I realised this year that you can’t always be the superhero sometimes you have to be the bystander, the damsel in distress. It’s ok to need to be saved. I can say that, I know it’s the truth. I would tell anyone else that and mean it 100% but not me. Not for me. I have to help people to validate my existence. I can’t be saved because I’m too busy saving others. Too busy grasping at all of the edges desperately dragging them back together as they float apart. I’m being dragged in various directions. I’m being ripped apart by my own brain.

I started this week with an inability to write. But I should have realised that inspiration would hit eventually. It’s the Citalopram. It takes away my creativity and I don’t want to take it. I keep stopping and starting. I haven’t gone up to 40mg yet. I’m grasping at my creativity like I’m on the edge of a cliff. If I take those pills I fall to my creative death. But. Surely the loss of my creativity would make me depressed? Maybe I just need to let the pills settle.

I can’t sleep. I’m not tired. I just want to write, but happiness writes white and that is no good for me. It’s not that I don’t want to be happy. I just don’t want to lose myself. I’m scared I’m losing myself. Maybe it’s just Christmas. Christmas is something I spend a lot of time looking forward to. I can be the saddest grumpiest person all year, but the minute Christmas is in the air I am the human personification of Christmas spirit.

Of course January always crushes me. January is a hard time for me. I hate January. But January is still two months away.

As Always,
The Elephant in the Room

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28 thoughts on “Citalopram, I Say This With Nothing But Respect. I Hate You.

      • Oh, I am also much kinder to other people than I am to myself. But it can be learned. We learned the other crap, right?? It takes my breath away to really see all the wrong ideas I absorbed all my life from immature parents who were just projecting their distasteful crap all over me and asinine members of society who were also just projecting all of that poison onto and into me. It has taken a long time and I still have a ways to go, but the “good to me” phrases I sort of turn into a mantra. Or maybe I am reverse brain-washing myself. But I figure better to be re-trained or brain-washed with good things about myself rather than bad things, which I finally realized were crap. It really is crap. I am not bad and not even weak. Especially compared to people who “think” they are all that and they are not. Why is it okay for jerks to easily forgive themselves their flaws and blame others for the problems while I have to continually punish myself for falling short of impossibly high standards?? I can at least be reasonable with myself. I am worth that much at least. So are you.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Sounds like it might be making you a bit manic and some antidepressant can do that, you may want to talk to your doctor about that just in case. I don’t know for sure but it’s worth asking about if it’s fucking with you, might not be the one for you. I know I am on it and it’s the only one i’ve had success with, however I was on effexor and it through me into a horrible manic phase, so you never know.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m sorry you’re in this place; I have been in similar places and had thoughts about not wanting to be around anymore. When I was there, I wanted to keep doing what kept me there: withdrawing, feeling shitty, not telling anyone, listening to the voice in my head telling me that I was where I deserved to be and it was never going to get better.

    Here’s the important part. I saved myself by doing what I least wanted to do, what made me most uncomfortable: I made myself tell the people most likely to tell me I was worth saving. I didn’t want to tell them because they were people I admired. I *wanted* to tell the people least likely to understand and be accepting. I *wanted* to tell the people who had rarely if ever been there for me. I wanted to tell them because I had this fantasy that if I did, maybe *this* time they would show me love and compassion and acceptance. But I knew deep down they wouldn’t do that, and the messed up part is I wanted to tell them anyway. Instead, somehow, I kind of entered opposite world. If it sounded comfortable to me–sleeping all day, watching movies all day, hiding in house with the curtains shut, not eating–I stopped myself from doing it, or at least did it less. If it sounded *un*comfortable, I did that: telling someone supportive (my wonderful boss at the time, my therapist, calling a best friend who lived far away); going outside; saying no to things I didn’t feel up to; interrupting my head when it started pretending it knew what the rest of my life was going to be like (because *no one* knows that); asking for help.

    That saved me, and it helps when I’m in a bad place now: I do something that feels uncomfortable because for someone like me, the sadness and anxiety and pain can start to feel like home. But that’s not my real home.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Wow, Thank you. You have summed up how I feel entirely. especially about telling certain people and why I want to tell them. I was struggling to explain it and had began jotting down ideas for a post on that subject in the future. but you have hit the nail on the head! Your right.

      Liked by 3 people

      • I’m glad my experience resonates with you,and I hope it helps. I really don’t want to tell other people what they should/shouldn’t do. I just wanted to share to let you know you aren’t alone in what you’re going through, and from my own experience, I believe it *is* possible to come out the other side. Take care.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m sorry you are going through this right now. I appreciate your candid observations about what the drug does to you. Wishing you peaceful times ahead. You deserve the same caring and compassion you show others. Remind yourself of that everyday even though you might not believe it today, you just might tomorrow.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I live with putting the wrong socks on. 🙂 Nobody even noticed.
    You say you have lied. Well, we all do/have. Maybe you ought to stop that. It does catch up with us.
    Enjoy the Christmas and holiday season. A lot of us would rather skip December and jump to the new year.
    I don’t think you have lost your creativity. 🙂 Keep writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow this really sounds like me. I am always telling people what they need to do to stop feeling low but yet I can’t do the same. Before I’ve always crumbled but I’ve learnt how to put on a game face, when u feel like everything is too hard hibernating doesn’t work. U have to do the hard thing and carry on. Go back and speak to the doc, u need to sleep. Take care. Sending hugs xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I know exactly how you’re feeling right now. It’s not nice, but it passes. I use exercise to deal with mine, I always end up crying on the days I don’t exercise, but I’m completely happy on the days I do. I also hated citalopram lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I have been taking Citalopram for 6 3/4 Years now and at times I’m not fully functioning until the Afternoon and I end up drinking too much Caffeine to keep me going during the day and I stay up until Godforsaken times in the Morning.

    Chamomile Tea helps me sleep.

    Also, with mania I can end up hypersexual.

    Hope you feel better.

    Take it easy Chicken

    Desmond

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  8. I was on citalopram for about 6 months and had loads of problems with it, it made my mood swings way worse and didn’t really do anything good for me. I went to the doctor and she changed it to fluoxetine 20mg. Im now on fluoxetine 40mg and that seems to have helped me loads. Don’t be afraid to keep trying different ones until you find one that works for you, but make sure you take them every day for a few weeks otherwise you mess your body around and won’t know if they actually do work or not!
    Keep trying and you’ll find something that helps. I honestly think fluoxetine has saved my life.
    Hope that helps.
    Hattie
    p.s. also you might want to try an exercise like yoga. there are videos on youtube you can follow and it really helps me. it can be hard to exercise when you don’t want to leave the house etc and yoga also helps me to relax a lot.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I was on citalopram for about 6 years. The worst thing you can do is stops and start, it might only make your moods feel more manic. I didn’t find it dulled my creative side. These antidepressants effect everyone differently. I hope you start to feel a bit better soon

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  10. I HATE citalopram! Been on it 6 weeks feel WORSE than I did before and I now have a fun hand tremor to add to my happiness! Hoping the dr will change me to something else tomorrow!

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  11. Many hugs and pleasant wishes that your spirits may be lifted. It sucks that you’re having the experience you’re having with citalopram. That’s the thing with psych meds: what works for one person doesn’t work for another. I’m on citalopram 40mg and its working for me. The trial and error process of finding the right cocktail is so harsh =/

    Liked by 2 people

  12. This is an absolutely, incredibly terrific post. It’s very clear and really gives the reader (i.e. me) a bit of a window into your world. If I know anything about depression (and I do), I know that accepting compliments can be very difficult and filled with distrust. So you will believe me or you won’t. But.

    “I’m crying for a few reasons. I just reread a post I have written that I am saving because it’s a difficult one for me to post, but also because I’m not sure my blog is the best place for it. But also because I feel guilty.”

    I imagine most of your posts are difficult to write. But you do it. It takes courage and energy. Yay you! Seriously. Please give yourself a pat on the back for that. It isn’t nothing.

    “It’s ok to need to be saved. I can say that, I know it’s the truth. I would tell anyone else that and mean it 100% but not me. Not for me. I have to help people to validate my existence. I can’t be saved because I’m too busy saving others.”

    Yes to all of this. I had a very clever friend once. We fell out of touch because I find maintaining social interaction difficult. Anyway, this very clever friend told me that he suspected that those who help others the most are the most desirous of being helped but are afraid to ask for it. I think he’s right about that. Being too busy saving others is likely a call to be helped. No-one can “fix” you but they can help you if you let them know what you think would constitute “helping”. And they would probably be grateful for the opportunity to feel useful. Any chance you could consider helping others by allowing them to give you a hand more often?

    “It’s not that I don’t want to be happy. I just don’t want to lose myself. I’m scared I’m losing myself.”

    Holy crap! The first two sentences are the most succinct interpretation of depression i have ever read. And they are why the tagline in ads concerning mental health where i live read: “Depression Lies” And it bloody well does. You do not equal depression. It’s not who you are; it’s a part of you but it doesn’t have to consume you.

    Sorry for being so long-winded but I read the post and my jaw dropped and then I teared up a bit and then my muscles started tensing in series and I had to write it out.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for reading. I think your friend is very, very right. The people that do help others are probably the ones who need saving. The tragic heroes.

      and you are right, depression does lie! I just wish I could get my brain to believe that and not just keep telling me im wrong. Thank you for your comment 🙂

      Like

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