No Surprises

Dear Reader,

I’m feeling weird. It seems my medication has made me a little hypo-manic. Hypo-mania is categorised as being lesser than regular mania, but it’s still not great. I read that hypo-mania is a symptom of being on the bipolar spectrum, even when it is medically induced. Maybe this isn’t medication induced.

I have been rapid cycling for a few days. One minute I am indescribably happy, I can’t stop laughing and joking, my posture even changes. I stand up a lot straighter and I have absolutely no real thoughts, just lots of stupid thoughts “I could walk home!” (Which would take me a few hours.) I’m not just happy, or stupid. i‘m a bit of a bitch to be honest, i have no fear about saying what I really think about situations, I have only just learnt not to do that because of the autism, I don’t need something else making me do it. And then I’m down, so down I have to go and hide. And sit in a ball and be silent. I don’t cry, because I’m back to not being able to cry. It’s so weird to feel like that. I guess I’m numb again, not sad. I go from being happy to numb and angry.

When i‘m with people my moods cycle like crazy. I think its becoming visible, I mean, one minute I’m bouncing off of the walls and then I just mope and hiding. It’s probably not as obvious as I think. I guess I think people notice me a lot more than they actually do, not in an “I’m the centre of attention!” way, because I really do not like being the centre of attention, that’s part of the reason I’m happy I haven’t really had any birthday parties. I think its mostly paranoia. Paranoia is a side effect of Citalopram, But I think in reality nobody has probably noticed the shift in my moods, I’m pretty weird anyway. They probably just think I’m being me.

I haven’t cut myself in about 2 weeks now, but I have come close a few times, I’m not going to say I’m proud of that because i‘m not, I don’t really feel anything about that. Not that i‘m just going to do it again, I mean It’s not like my doctor cared that I had been doing it though, so why should I not do it? I mean, it’s not like he thinks its bad, he hardly reacted. So now I don’t know what I’m doing.

i‘ve been alone for about 2.5 days now… Well, kind of, I went out yesterday because I wanted to pre-order the special edition cassette. Yep, they still sell those. I went to work purely because I needed to interact with humans for a few minutes before I went home and spent the rest of the day alone and made myself do something stupid. I realised I had nothing to say or contribute to any conversations and I guess I was embarrassed to be there, I booked three days off of work and I went in to work. And as usually just made myself look pathetic. So I went home and watched some TV. I will go into this weekend in depth in another piece.

When I first began taking Citalopram, I thought it was helping, in fact, I was petrified it would take away my depression completely and with it my creativity. When I started taking the 40mg I felt the same again for about a day. But, I was wrong. It’s not going to do that. Citalopram isn’t right for me. It isn’t helping me. I don’t know what I need. I think I got some kind of placebo from Citalopram, I read so many positive things that I thought it would be positive for me. I didn’t really believe in placebos until I started taking this.

So, this really hasn’t made much sense, it doesn’t really have any structure. Because I am struggling to make sense. I feel like I’m trying to make snowballs out of dry sand. Just when something has formed, it slides back down to being a flat load of nothing.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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11 thoughts on “No Surprises

  1. Sorry th citalopram isnt really helping, its differrnt for everyone though. It didnt help me either.
    I get the paranoia too, alot more over the past week.

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  2. Hope has been the best medicine for me! Nothing broke through my darkness better than hope. I just lost my son to suicide. Even now, as much as my heart aches I embrace hope and hold it out you. May it shine brightly for you and convince you that you have friends that care about you, even if from a distance, and a heavenly daddy who is crazy about you.

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  3. I have always thought that creativity is stifled by depression and mental illness but since I hear so many people say just the opposite, then I suppose it is an individual thing. Here you are in the middle of this thing and writing so frequently and so well. Pretty amazing I think.

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  4. Is it really depression you are asking to be treated or something else? Maybe that’s why citalopram is making you feel bad.

    Sometimes we look for the answers before asking the correct question.

    I would get this med changed and also have a thorough diagnostic review of your symptoms. Maybe you don’t need an antidepressant, maybe it’s a case of low dose antipsychotic or something.

    Personally I believe these meds generally fuck some brains up (mine for example) and the symptoms that result don’t actually fit diagnostic categories. We’re really just seeing the sparks that come out when somone sticks a javelin in the back of the TV. We give it names such as mixed state, rapid cycling etcc and that makes us feel better because it gives an element of control.

    You will get better. I’m in my forties now and have battled this shit for over 2 decades. The biggest weapon is hope plus stubbornness. Don’t give up. Keep searching and never label yourself with anything even if they do. Use their diagnoses pragmatically. If they don’t help drop them and move on.

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  5. I hate the labels we are stuck with. Have you visited Jack Alias’ web sight yet? Listening to him might help. He has a live video giving an overview on what and how he teaches. I does not like labels at all. Great that you have not cut for two weeks. That is progress. Thinking of you often. Hugs

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  6. Long time without stoping by, It’s been a long time now since the last time I struggled with medication, But I do remember side effects as little trickers who wouldn’t leave me alone during my daily routine. What I can tell about them is that they are inevitable, and that’s ok, I mean, it depends of how much the medication benefits you, or if it does benefit you at all. Compare the side effects with the benefit, I believe most of the time there is a little benefit at least. I really wish you luck with finding peace, and please, go and see your doctor if necessary (:

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  7. Some days are better than others but this post was definitely something. I would encourage you to speak in depth about how you feel on the citalopram with your psychiatrist. He/she may recommend you be on it for a full 2 weeks before changing or may change you to another medication right then. When I began taking meds I was put on lamictal first–its an antiseizure medication that is also used as a mood stablizer. It did absolutely nothing for me. Or so I thought. When I began taking the citalopram and as my depression waned, I realized that the lamictal was working. It was working to supress my “hypomania” which I was so happy it did because of the antidepressant induced mania that many will experience if they are on the bipolar spectrum. No wmy psychiatrist won’t come out and say I have bipolar disorder. Instead she says I have “bipolar features”… wth. I’ll get her to talk straight with me one of these days ; ) I do hope you begin to feel better soon–you’ll be in my thoughts.

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