I’m feeling weird. It seems my medication has made me a little hypo-manic. Hypo-mania is categorised as being lesser than regular mania, but it’s still not great. I read that hypo-mania is a symptom of being on the bipolar spectrum, even when it is medically induced. Maybe this isn’t medication induced.
I have been rapid cycling for a few days. One minute I am indescribably happy, I can’t stop laughing and joking, my posture even changes. I stand up a lot straighter and I have absolutely no real thoughts, just lots of stupid thoughts “I could walk home!” (Which would take me a few hours.) I’m not just happy, or stupid. i‘m a bit of a bitch to be honest, i have no fear about saying what I really think about situations, I have only just learnt not to do that because of the autism, I don’t need something else making me do it. And then I’m down, so down I have to go and hide. And sit in a ball and be silent. I don’t cry, because I’m back to not being able to cry. It’s so weird to feel like that. I guess I’m numb again, not sad. I go from being happy to numb and angry.
When i‘m with people my moods cycle like crazy. I think its becoming visible, I mean, one minute I’m bouncing off of the walls and then I just mope and hiding. It’s probably not as obvious as I think. I guess I think people notice me a lot more than they actually do, not in an “I’m the centre of attention!” way, because I really do not like being the centre of attention, that’s part of the reason I’m happy I haven’t really had any birthday parties. I think its mostly paranoia. Paranoia is a side effect of Citalopram, But I think in reality nobody has probably noticed the shift in my moods, I’m pretty weird anyway. They probably just think I’m being me.
I haven’t cut myself in about 2 weeks now, but I have come close a few times, I’m not going to say I’m proud of that because i‘m not, I don’t really feel anything about that. Not that i‘m just going to do it again, I mean It’s not like my doctor cared that I had been doing it though, so why should I not do it? I mean, it’s not like he thinks its bad, he hardly reacted. So now I don’t know what I’m doing.
i‘ve been alone for about 2.5 days now… Well, kind of, I went out yesterday because I wanted to pre-order the special edition cassette. Yep, they still sell those. I went to work purely because I needed to interact with humans for a few minutes before I went home and spent the rest of the day alone and made myself do something stupid. I realised I had nothing to say or contribute to any conversations and I guess I was embarrassed to be there, I booked three days off of work and I went in to work. And as usually just made myself look pathetic. So I went home and watched some TV. I will go into this weekend in depth in another piece.
When I first began taking Citalopram, I thought it was helping, in fact, I was petrified it would take away my depression completely and with it my creativity. When I started taking the 40mg I felt the same again for about a day. But, I was wrong. It’s not going to do that. Citalopram isn’t right for me. It isn’t helping me. I don’t know what I need. I think I got some kind of placebo from Citalopram, I read so many positive things that I thought it would be positive for me. I didn’t really believe in placebos until I started taking this.
So, this really hasn’t made much sense, it doesn’t really have any structure. Because I am struggling to make sense. I feel like I’m trying to make snowballs out of dry sand. Just when something has formed, it slides back down to being a flat load of nothing.
The Elephant in the Room