I’m writing this because I need someone to listen. And I know you listen. You read my words and you understand me. And that is so very important to me, because before this I truly felt alone, I felt like no one understood. I, of course, have people in my everyday life that tell me I can “always” talk to them. But I can’t. Everyone else is busy, and that’s ok. I wouldn’t ever expect everyone to drop anything for me. You see, the majority of my friends work in retail, Christmas is a big time for us. It’s stressful, its busy and its hard. The rest of my friends work in offices and don’t really have the time to “deal” with me.
But the truth is I’m scared. My fluctuating moods aren’t just driving me crazy, but they are scaring me. Something I have learnt from having Aspergers is how often I annoy people. I do sometimes notice when people get annoyed and I do my best to stop being annoying, and then this happened. And now I’m having to try to hide two different irritating sides of me. In fact, I’m more annoying now, when I’m high than I have ever been when it was just my Aspergers in charge.
I guess I just need someone to talk to, I need to vent. But I really have no idea what to say. I’m so confused, my head is all over the place. I’m just beginning to feel so alone again. I am beginning to feel I have no purpose, I’m struggling to understand or believe in myself. I make “jokes” about how I’m not important, or how I’m “stupid” but the problem is. They aren’t really jokes, because that’s how I feel. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I don’t want people to tell me it’s not true. Because it doesn’t matter. I know who I am and what I am. I know where I stand.
So, what exactly is the point in this? I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to know there are still people out there who want to listen to me, who are there to hear me. I had a panic attack today, I felt like I was having a heart attack, I could feel my pulse racing in my forearms. I knew it was a panic attack, so I didn’t worry about it. I didn’t even mention it. They happen so often I’m not sure it’s worth it. I mean, when you feel like your having a heart attack atleast once a day, its not exactly something you regularly tell people. I wouldn’t want to be the elephant who cried wolf.
I don’t have time to see a doctor, that sounds stupid I’m sure, I should put my health first? I shouldn’t let work get in the way. But it’s not that easy. I struggle to see a doctor on a day when I’m at work, it makes me worry. I don’t like visiting the doctor in the morning, or on a Monday.
I apologise. I realise I must sound utterly terrible right now.
The Elephant in the Room