Help.

Dear reader

I’m writing this because I need someone to listen. And I know you listen. You read my words and you understand me. And that is so very important to me, because before this I truly felt alone, I felt like no one understood. I, of course, have people in my everyday life that tell me I can “always” talk to them. But I can’t. Everyone else is busy, and that’s ok. I wouldn’t ever expect everyone to drop anything for me. You see, the majority of my friends work in retail, Christmas is a big time for us. It’s stressful, its busy and its hard. The rest of my friends work in offices and don’t really have the time to “deal” with me.

But the truth is I’m scared. My fluctuating moods aren’t just driving me crazy, but they are scaring me. Something I have learnt from having Aspergers is how often I annoy people. I do sometimes notice when people get annoyed and I do my best to stop being annoying, and then this happened. And now I’m having to try to hide two different irritating sides of me. In fact, I’m more annoying now, when I’m high than I have ever been when it was just my Aspergers in charge.

I guess I just need someone to talk to, I need to vent. But I really have no idea what to say. I’m so confused, my head is all over the place. I’m just beginning to feel so alone again. I am beginning to feel I have no purpose, I’m struggling to understand or believe in myself. I make “jokes” about how I’m not important, or how I’m “stupid” but the problem is. They aren’t really jokes, because that’s how I feel. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I don’t want people to tell me it’s not true. Because it doesn’t matter. I know who I am and what I am. I know where I stand.

So, what exactly is the point in this? I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to know there are still people out there who want to listen to me, who are there to hear me. I had a panic attack today, I felt like I was having a heart attack, I could feel my pulse racing in my forearms. I knew it was a panic attack, so I didn’t worry about it. I didn’t even mention it. They happen so often I’m not sure it’s worth it. I mean, when you feel like your having a heart attack atleast once a day, its not exactly something you regularly tell people. I wouldn’t want to be the elephant who cried wolf.

I don’t have time to see a doctor, that sounds stupid I’m sure, I should put my health first? I shouldn’t let work get in the way. But it’s not that easy. I struggle to see a doctor on a day when I’m at work, it makes me worry. I don’t like visiting the doctor in the morning, or on a Monday.

I apologise. I realise I must sound utterly terrible right now.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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68 thoughts on “Help.

  1. You don’t even sound terrible… let along utterly terrible 🙂 Glad you are here! So sorry about the panic attack… NO REALLY… seriously sorry about that!!!! Glad you got through it. You aren’t annoying to me. 🙂 Hang in there and write like hell!!!! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ve lived with some form of mental illness for what seems a lifetime and I understand how lonely it can feel. And frightening. Having little control over my moods was defeating and I felt trapped. I remember that you have not had a very positive experience with finding a therapist but I sincerely encourage you to keep trying, the right support makes a huge difference.

    Calming my anxiety has been the most important challenge to overcome. What has helped me? Understanding and managing my triggers, changing my perceptions, and getting a dog. It’s hard work and unfortunately there really isn’t a pill that fixes it all, being strong takes practice and patience. So be kind to yourself and remember to breathe.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I don’t have Asperger’s, but you’re a lot like me. I feel like I’m losing control and going crazy. I recently found I have a false memory even though I’m convinced it’s real. You feel that you have no purpose in life, I actually don’t have a purpose in real. I struggle to tell what is real and what is not. I wake up from a dream into another dream, so sometimes it’s hard to tell what is real. I look in the mirror and don’t recognise my own face. I keep ignoring. But reading what you write tells me that I’m not alone. And the way you write is so soothing and pleasantly cold and deep. I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I just got the email notification titled ‘Help’ and got worried and made my way to your blog.

    Liked by 2 people

      • I’m not really into expressing myself. I find it hard to comment because it is hard to put my thoughts in words when talking to people. But I read your posts and they are very soothing, mostly because you talk about things that I go through, like your post about Physical Depression, because my depression episode ended recently after 2.5 months of severe physical agony. Keep writing, it means and justifies so much to me.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I am listening. I understand. And I empathize. Your writing makes me feel less alone as well. *hugs*. It will get better. It may never be perfect or “fixed”, but there are good times too. Never underestimate your importance. You touch many lives on here through your blog (my own included).

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I can totally empathize with how you are feeling. It’s tough to feel so along when things seem to be going so wrong. Just try to remember that we are all here and pulling for you! You will get through this and eventually find the right combination of meds and other treatments to feel “normal”
    It’s frustrating to feel like your already tenuous grip on sanity is slipping away from you, but it just takes patience and trial and error to find the right combo.
    I know you can and will get through this!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It’s pretty obvious to me that you have loyal readers who do care about what you are going through and how you feel. Even if it feels like you are alone, you aren’t. The thing is though that it doesn’t matter if that’s true, it only matters if you feel it, right? In this case at least reality has to take a backseat to how you feel.

    So remind yourself when you are feeling it. Leave a post it note where you can read it, have your phone pop up a reminder every 30 minutes telling you. Heck, tattoo “I matter” where you can see it on your foot if you need to! Just remind yourself, so that you come to see what is true and change your way of thinking as you need to.

    For the panic attacks… go to the doctor. Doesn’t matter if you don’t want to, just do it. Somethings, we just have to do. That’s one of them for you, in my less than humble opinion at least.

    Be at peace elephant.

    S

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Your health is your true work. Your priority over everything else. Find a good psychologist and get connected with him/her. My therapy opened up my eyes to a whole new view of myself and my world. You need to get help to see that there is a way beyond the way you’re living now, that can be free from all those chattering, negative, fearful thoughts. Your therapist will know exactly how to help you. Blessings, sweet friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Nothing terrible about venting, we need outlets, and sometimes friends aren’t necessrily the ones to be a sounding board, and when all these emotions bubble up to the surface it’s hard to know what to do with them.

    You can only live one day at a time, tomorrow will be better:)
    Take care

    Liked by 2 people

  9. You just sound real to me not terrible. I can’t say it enough–work has to come second to your health and your peace of mind. I speak from experience. If you put work first for too long then you may end up walking out when you are tapped out and then it will be very hard or impossible to go back. I can never go back to my old workplace, and don’t want to, but how will that look on a resume or job application? Not very good. I haven’t even tried to find another job. You are young and will need to be able to work for a long time. Better to take some sick leave now and come back stronger in a couple weeks or even several weeks. It is very important to take care of your health right now.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time and understand just how bad the panic attacks can be, especially the aftermath. I’m glad you have this outlet to vent on; it might not help a lot, but every little bit.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. HI Elephant. We’re listening, but I’m not sure we’re helping. We give you lots of feedback about how we have felt, how we have reacted and how we have been able to improve our situation, or not. We offer suggestions about your treatment, about your medication, about your moods. We are reacting to your writings (which are eloquent and deeply moving) but we are purely reactive, there can be nothing proactive in what we do. In fact, it is you who prompts our responses. It is you who has asked us (or anyone) for help. Perhaps it is time to start listening to yourself when you ask for help, and to respond with the question “How can I help?” From the answers, and the subsequent questions and answers, you may find a path. You may find that you are your own therapist, and that you can trust yourself with your own problems, and once you can trust yourself, perhaps you’ll be able to trust others, and seek outsife help if you feel you need it.
    In the meantime, keep writing, and keep safe.
    Big hugs

    Liked by 3 people

  12. I find I listen to the best advice when I give it to others. for example: imagine you just read this post, but it was written by someone else, not by you. what would you tell that person? how would you react? what would you suggest?

    now give that advice to yourself, and listen to it.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. I may not comment on everything, but I do read every post you write. You’re not annoying and I understand the feeling of just… utter chaos where nothing makes sense and all you want to do is disappear. I understand it all and I’m listening. Stay strong sweetie, because you’re most definitely worth it.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. I’m new here, and it’s probably little consolation to hear this, but you don’t come off in your posts as some folks I know who don’t have the mitigating circumstances you describe. Maybe part of what’s weighing you down is a heightened–and, I suspect, generally positive–sense of self-awareness. That doesn’t help how you feel inside, I imagine, but please consider that most of the truly annoying people I know are annoying because they have no sense of how they’re acting, no self-awareness. You’re feeling bad, and yet still prioritizing the sensitivities of your friends. That’s admirable. They’re lucky to have you in their lives.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Just know the holidays can really mess with your moods, decide right now you aren’t going to make any major decisions til they are over – don’t move, don’t start a new job, don’t kill yourself, just focus on one day at a time, or one holiday at a time. You will get through. And don’t worry about being weird, there are a lot of weirdos like you, like me, just surviving these days. They will pass! and pretty soon after signs of spring (including the advancement of the calendar) will appear!

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Find a goal. Stay focused upon that. Take time to start cutting out all negativity from your life: negative music, movies, etc.. Eventually, step by step – negative thoughts. Surround yourself with positive words – write them on your arm, instead of cutting – even if you don’t believe it at first, over time, it will seep into your skin and into your thoughts. Best wishes and prayers -http://twloha.com

    Liked by 1 person

  17. First of all you don’t sound terrible. You sound like someone that wants to be heard and based on all of the comments here, there are plenty of wonderful people hearing you! I think you have an amazing blog, because you are sharing things so central to how you feel and you offer insight to those people who need a place to relate. Granted, this blog is yours and the thoughts are yours, but allowing it to be open gives you a chance to see that people listen, as well as gives others the chance to relate to you. How awesome is that?
    Secondly, I think everyone goes through times when their thoughts scare them, so you’re not alone in that sense; although your thoughts are unique to you. I think understanding that you have them and understanding how they make you is the first step in dealing with them. Hopefully you are able to find the courage to face them, but I believe it is possible.

    Here is to wishing you some positive thoughts!

    ~b

    Liked by 1 person

  18. you don’t sound terrible at all, everyone goes through that phase at least once in their life. I was in the same place as you are recently and only thing that helped me was to learn how to accept who I am and to respect myself, It’s important to love who you are and what you stand for, because when you do that you will only give out love. I’m sure you will find your way, keep writing, you just gained a new reader.

    xx
    Bataia

    Like

  19. In this world you will have tribulation but take courage, JESUS has overcome the world.
    I know this has nothing to do with the issue at hand but I really wanted you to know that.
    Just found your blog. I’ll return. Hang in there. And breathe. Hyperventilate if you need to. But breathe.

    Like

  20. Jeremiah 1:5

    “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” – I read this verse a few days ago and shared it on my blog. It gave me such a warm feeling and I hope you can feel it too. God loves you. He has known you from the very beginning and he has a purpose and plan for your life. I don’t know what your thoughts are on God, I know it’s hard to put faith in something you cannot see but let me assure you it is worth it. He is there and he want to help.

    Like

  21. Panic attacks are no joke. I used to get them more often when I was younger and people would not understand where I was coming from. The more I tried to make them understand DURING one, the worse it became. I am not sure what happened but, one day, they got less and less. The last major one that I can recall having was when my daughter was in daycare at 2 years old. I called the daycare because I felt the need to check on her without going to pick her up ( I could have never driven there in the panic attack state.) The owner of the daycare told me it was none of my business and that she was fine and I could pick her up like normal. I had a total meltdown. I did pick her up like normal at the end of the day and never took her back. The daycare closed a few months after that.

    It is what it is. We love what you write and we want more. Keep it coming! You are certainly no bother here! Things you talk about I find comfort in because FINALLY, there is someone out there who knows and understands some of the things I internalize on a daily basis!

    Liked by 1 person

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