Citalopram Strikes Again!

Dear Reader,

Yesterday was my day off of work. I had a list of things I needed to do, but at 3AM I woke up and didn’t get back to sleep until gone 6AM. When I finally woke up the next day it was 12PM.

I didn’t feel particularly great when I woke up, I went downstairs to see my parents, but I was underwhelmed by their lack of conversation. This is something that often gets to me. I rarely see my parents. When I do, I sometimes try to make conversation, but they are too busy watching bargain hunt or one of those other day time crappy antique shows. So after 5 minutes of disappointment I went back upstairs, to sit in my bed and stare at my laptop screen. My mood didn’t particularly improve, my friend text me to remind me that we had arranged to meet up for dinner that day. I thought about canceling but by this time I hadn’t eaten since the day before, so I decided I should probably go.

I realised I needed to make a doctors appointment soon because not only can I not take these mood swings anymore, I don’t want to run out of pills. And I want 6 weeks of pills for over Christmas because I’m worried I won’t be able to get an appointment right after Christmas.

So I rang the doctors surgery, it took them what felt like 30 minutes to answer which was annoying. I tried to make an appointment for my day off on the 9th of December, unsurprisingly my doctor wasn’t there on that day and for some reason only works afternoons on the days I started work early. So i had to take the only appointment I could 3pm Wednesday the 10th. I was supposed to be working that day and also at that time. I was not happy with this. My autism makes it really hard for me to deal with this kind of thing. So I had to do the only thing I could beg another person to swap with me.

I had to go to the town centre to meet my friend, so as I got to town early, I decided to go to work and try and get the 10th off. By this point I had pretty much hit the bottom of the mood swing and was finding it hard to form sentences and walk. I’m fairly sure it was clear to anyone I spoke to that I wasn’t ok. I don’t really remember much of what happened. But I left pretty much straight away, something which is very out of character for me. After being what can only be described as the worst “dinner date” ever I decided to walk home. Which was stupid, I live on the outskirts of the city and I was in the centre. So as usual stupid me. Made a stupid decision.

I walked home because I really wanted to clear my head. What I did was make myself worse. When I was about 10 minutes from home my mood took a huge turn for the worse. I suddenly became completely adamant that I was going to take an overdose and kill myself. I got into my house looked around my room for the many hidden packs of paracetamol. But thankfully I could only find two half empty packs. I pushed the pills out of their packaging one by one. I piled them up. Then I realised what I was doing and laughed at myself and realised this wasn’t what I wanted. So I lay on my bed next to the pills for a bit. Then I decided to have a shower.

I spent my time in the shower telling myself how stupid I am. I was so angry at myself when I got out that I ended up cutting myself.

Then I went downstairs and watched TV like nothing had happened. It was at this point I decided I should tell someone what had happened.

And now, a day later I feel even worse, I go from thinking “why the hell did I do that?” to being terrified that in just 30 minutes I went from being down to being suicidal to being relatively ok.

All I know is something needs to be done. And all I need to do is make it to the 10th of December for that to happen.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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34 thoughts on “Citalopram Strikes Again!

  1. Citolopram is a horrid little drug, I took myself off it, thankfull, I don’t think your symptoms will improve until your given a new medication.

    Trying to get appointments, is ludicorous, and it just shows how underfunded our medical services are, were all just it appears on a conveyor belt and no one has time to really consult with you.

    Take care

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh boy, almost two weeks for your appointment. And the medicine is certainly not helping one little bit. Your thought process has taken on a life of its own. Nowadays when my thoughts go in that direction, and it is not as often as it used to be, I sort of poke fun at that voice. “Oh, it would be better to be dead, you say. I know you and you’re just being shallow. You’re so fake. I’m bored with you. Boooooring.” Back in the day, though, I believed that voice and it was very hard to not buy into the “logic”. My plan was to step in front of a truck. I worked downtown and there were lots of trucks. It would have been very easy to do and it seemed like a good idea at the time. But that kind of logic lies and so does that voice.

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  3. It’s funny but I was on citalopram and it made my anxiety and mood swings far worse. Also, I ended up with skull-crushing headaches if I forgot to take a pill, and then towards the end of me taking it, I ended up with those headaches all the time. I would suggest you ask if there is something else to take the edge off the anxiety. Currently I’m on promazine, and oh my god does it help. I’m taking the lowest dose possible but it works very well. Good luck with finding something better and good luck with your appointment. I know it’s tough when something deviates from the way you wanted it to be, but it’s possible for things to still work when there is a hitch. You can do this. x

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I relate completely to your feelings of nervousness. I wasn’t proud of the words I wrote on my latest blog, but I appreciate your like, and my click, reminding me that we are not alone in the fight through depression and anxiety. Best wishes to you always.

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  5. How about you hold up at least till the thirteenth, so that you can read my birthday special? πŸ™‚

    And after that too, cause next year’s birthday special. And the next year’s one too. It’s hard to party without the elephant in the room. πŸ™‚

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  6. I haven’t read any of yr other posts yet, but I was just reading the comments and I wanted to add that I couldn’t take citalopram…..It made me worse very quickly. I take venlafaxine (Venaxx) which works very well for me. Nearly 2 weeks til yr Dr’s seems a very long time in yr circumstances. Keep us posted and good luck.

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  7. I am also so glad that you did not swallow the pills. In the past, when things have been very bad for me and I’ve been told I needed to wait weeks to see someone, I’ve called and yelled and screamed and yes — told them I was suicidal. That would get me in sooner. I have found that even if you’re lucky enough to have doctors, you have to fight sometimes just to see them. It’s ironic, because putting up a fight might be the last thing you want do to. But if you ever start to feel that way again, please call that doctor back.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hi, thanks for liking my post. I’d like to say I’m glad you didn’t take those pills. I used to live hour by hour, I was so suicidal I couldn’t do anything else. The mental health services can be so annoyingly unresponsive sometimes but you have to persist. It’s taken me years to get to where I am now, and I’m not suicidal but I’m also not, not suicidal too. The thoughts are there, and the urge sometimes rushes to the fore. It’s about how you manage those feelings, gaining the tools to be safe in your own head. It takes time, don’t try to rush it, as I said in my post, the process could take years to take effect and to see your life as a journey not just a series of stops and starts. Be brave, be strong. xx

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  9. Citalopram had worked well for me… But right now I am in such a funk that I don’t know. I wanted my dose increased but psychiatrist would not.
    I am learning to reach out in the dark.

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  10. One of the worst things we can do – and yet we all do it – is beat ourselves up for feeling depressed/suicidal. It fuels that destructive self-hatred. I do hope you can get things sorted with the Doctor. Have you had a Psychiatric assessment? Personally, I only started to make progress once I was in the hands of professional mental health workers, rather than a family Doc. I wonder if this is something you could push for in the new year. I hope you are a bit better now

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  11. As someone we works in this field I would suggest
    Are you getting a treatment that works?
    Antidepressants work at best 25% of the time.
    Get a referral for CBT with a mindfulness element or interpersonal therapy.
    Preferably with someone who has expertise in workingwith ASD save you time training them to “get” you.
    Glad to hear that you are able to fight off the negative thoughts.
    like your blog by the way.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Thank you for checking out my blog post on How To Create Affirmations. Please let me offer what helps me with my “depression-stuff” – and FYI, I cannot take medications due to allergies so I AM having success managing the “zanies” by ACTIVELY WORKING THE FOLLOWING:

    Note: ACTIVELY WORKING means to make the conscious choice to do whatever positive and healthy action it takes to BE BETTER today than yesterday, BETTER in this moment than the preceding moment. The goal is to be present to maintain “LOVING-Self-Control.” Control = management. It doesn’t have to be so “Game of Thrones”…

    ACTIVELY WORKING also means to recognize and understand that “it” doesn’t work; YOU WORK IT. Time, trial, and recreating ways for things “to work” is what “WORKING IT” means. YOU have the power — even when we don’t feel like we do. Developing this ability is like strengthening a muscle:

    + TheTappingSolution.com – an actual physical technique that offers IMMEDIATE results that you can adapt to suit your needs. This is exactly what I was looking for and I use it EVERY DAY whenever I choose to. It also helps to develop self-awareness which is key to managing depression and everything else in our lives

    + THE MAGIC by Rhonda Byrne (fantastic mental chemicsty reconditioning through the practice of Gratitude – yes: there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for, We need to place our focus in the right places, which will activate positive brain chemistry. IT WORKS! Also enjoy Ms. Byrne’s THE POWER

    + Any of Oprah & Deepak’s Meditation series

    and a dance a day keeps the blues at bay! Have a shake-your-booty dance EVERY morning and watch your thoughts and energies improve.

    Even though we may never meet, I support you in BEING BETTER. Please receive love energy. We are not alone and each of us may offer some value to finding the Light to the end of the tunnel.

    And so it is, and it is so.

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  13. Please pardon the typos – I really wanted to respond to you before boarding the plane. I’m laughing at myself: I said IT WORKS about THE MAGIC, but in my excitement, I overlooked typing the rest of my thought which is:

    IT WORKS WHEN WE WORK IT!!!!

    Please also remember that this life is a journey and the battle to manage depression is a process. Neither life or our battles are destinations; there is only NOW and we have the power to create the next moment in this one,

    To remember that helps me a lot! I am able to change the battle to an adventure. It’s not easy, but the process itself yeilds worthwhile results. I hope I’ve offered some goodies for your adventures!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I have to say, that I have citalopram for about 5 years and although it’s not always perfect, it thankfully helped me a lot. But as far as I know, every person may need something different, I just wish you luck to find it! And don’t worry about the cutting. It’s not the best way to deal with pressure and all, but it does work, I know it. And yes, mostly it relieves the stress and pressure and everything and I feel ok pretty soon. I promised my boyfriend not to do it and I’ve been able to keep that promise for about a year now, but every now and then I feel the need to do it, just the sight of the blood feels like a drug… I just wish you strengh to go through this difficult time!

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  15. I have tried almost every antidepressant available and now my doctor doesn’t know what to suggest anymore so he’s kept me on mirtazapine which i have been teying to get off for a year they only help me with sleep not good for anything else apart from giving me the extreme munchies ..I have just thrown away a packet of citalopram which my doctor suggested I try alongside mirtazapine which was a disaster I didn’t sleep for 3 day’s, i felt anxious, my teeth ached from jaw clenching and I had a banging headache on top of everything else so I gave them up after a week . I have trouble with ssri as everyone I have tried had gave me migranes which I already suffer from and the treatment I have for them puts me at risk of having serotonin syndrome when taking with most antidepressants which my doctor seems to think isn’t a problem until ended up collapsing on my bathroom floor that’s when I decided citalopram, mirtazapine and imigran wasn’t the best combination for me … so its back to doctors as soon as I can

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