Yesterday was my day off of work. I had a list of things I needed to do, but at 3AM I woke up and didn’t get back to sleep until gone 6AM. When I finally woke up the next day it was 12PM.
I didn’t feel particularly great when I woke up, I went downstairs to see my parents, but I was underwhelmed by their lack of conversation. This is something that often gets to me. I rarely see my parents. When I do, I sometimes try to make conversation, but they are too busy watching bargain hunt or one of those other day time crappy antique shows. So after 5 minutes of disappointment I went back upstairs, to sit in my bed and stare at my laptop screen. My mood didn’t particularly improve, my friend text me to remind me that we had arranged to meet up for dinner that day. I thought about canceling but by this time I hadn’t eaten since the day before, so I decided I should probably go.
I realised I needed to make a doctors appointment soon because not only can I not take these mood swings anymore, I don’t want to run out of pills. And I want 6 weeks of pills for over Christmas because I’m worried I won’t be able to get an appointment right after Christmas.
So I rang the doctors surgery, it took them what felt like 30 minutes to answer which was annoying. I tried to make an appointment for my day off on the 9th of December, unsurprisingly my doctor wasn’t there on that day and for some reason only works afternoons on the days I started work early. So i had to take the only appointment I could 3pm Wednesday the 10th. I was supposed to be working that day and also at that time. I was not happy with this. My autism makes it really hard for me to deal with this kind of thing. So I had to do the only thing I could beg another person to swap with me.
I had to go to the town centre to meet my friend, so as I got to town early, I decided to go to work and try and get the 10th off. By this point I had pretty much hit the bottom of the mood swing and was finding it hard to form sentences and walk. I’m fairly sure it was clear to anyone I spoke to that I wasn’t ok. I don’t really remember much of what happened. But I left pretty much straight away, something which is very out of character for me. After being what can only be described as the worst “dinner date” ever I decided to walk home. Which was stupid, I live on the outskirts of the city and I was in the centre. So as usual stupid me. Made a stupid decision.
I walked home because I really wanted to clear my head. What I did was make myself worse. When I was about 10 minutes from home my mood took a huge turn for the worse. I suddenly became completely adamant that I was going to take an overdose and kill myself. I got into my house looked around my room for the many hidden packs of paracetamol. But thankfully I could only find two half empty packs. I pushed the pills out of their packaging one by one. I piled them up. Then I realised what I was doing and laughed at myself and realised this wasn’t what I wanted. So I lay on my bed next to the pills for a bit. Then I decided to have a shower.
I spent my time in the shower telling myself how stupid I am. I was so angry at myself when I got out that I ended up cutting myself.
Then I went downstairs and watched TV like nothing had happened. It was at this point I decided I should tell someone what had happened.
And now, a day later I feel even worse, I go from thinking “why the hell did I do that?” to being terrified that in just 30 minutes I went from being down to being suicidal to being relatively ok.
All I know is something needs to be done. And all I need to do is make it to the 10th of December for that to happen.
The Elephant in the Room