It took me a while to write this, as I have said I’m struggling with my lack of Christmas spirit. Maybe it’s because I still have another doctors appointment before Christmas. I struggle to relax when I know I have an impending appointment. I struggle with doctors appointments for the most ridiculous reason ever. I am terrified one of my family members (extended included) that use the same doctors surgery, will see me in there and either A) ask questions which I don’t really want to answer or B) say to my parents “I saw Elephant at the doctors!” and they will start interrogating me as to why I was there. So here is a piece I started on Saturday.
It’s Saturday, the day of my work Christmas party that I have been looking forward to for months. But I can’t shake the feeling of being abandoned after my doctor finally gave up on me. I don’t want a referral. I want to be ok. I don’t want a magic fix. I just want something to work. Right now I’m throwing everything at a wall and nothing is sticking, and that is the sad horrible truth I’m not getting better. Even though I once believed I was. Nothing changes. People don’t change, and that is something that I honestly think is true, as brutal as that sounds.
I have been at work for 45 minutes and this is the third time I have to hide in the stockroom because I have started crying. I don’t want to go home. I need to stop, but I can’t and it’s really starting to drive me crazy. I need to stop crying now. It’s not helping me. But I’m having some really weird panic attacks, they last a few minutes, but make me breathless and sad for those few minutes and I look like an idiot. Maybe they aren’t lasting a minute, maybe I’m trying to carry on before I am ready. I should know by now that sometimes you have to ride a panic attack out, right to the end before you begin to pretend it is nothing. So today was really the first day I have actually said out loud. “My doctor is giving up on me.” and I think saying it out loud has actually made me realise that. And, that is terrifying. How am I supposed to fix myself if someone who is trained to help people can’t do it!
Shaking and crying are the worst things ever. Especially when you work in a public place. I’ve been telling people I’m tired or I have a cold to cover up. But I am just starting to look like an idiot. I need to calm down. I want to enjoy tonight. But, then again, I guess I am scared. I am not particularly good at controlling myself around alcohol when I feel like this. In a way I am worried about that. I will drink a lot very fast and then my mood will cycle down its bumpy road of “I am invincible” to “I am going to kill myself!” With the latter generally taking hold for longer than the first.
So as the day has gone on I have felt better, but I know how I have been feeling recently will only react badly to alcohol. I am feeling excited about the event, but I know that I am going to become distant and dissociative at some point during the evening and everyone will think I am a mopey idiot.
Well, before I had even got to the party I made sure I had filled myself with as much alcohol as I could, which wasn’t as much as I wanted. The biggest mistake anyone made of the night was not policing the free “wine” which I downed a couple of glasses of before the night had even really begun. After eating my child’s portion of Christmas dinner, I guess I was looking pretty drunk as people began to look worried about me. But at the risk of sounding like an alcoholic, I know my limits and by 2AM I had stopped drinking. I got home at 5AM and pretty much passed out from exhaustion.
Ok, I admit I was hungover the next day. Not hungover enough to not be able to function. I got just 4 hours sleep before I got up to go Christmas shopping. So I blame the lack of sleep. This hangover did the last two days. But, I think it was more because I was exhausted then anything.
I wanted to bring this party back my Christmas spirit, and, I am struggling with the lack of ability to be excited about Christmas. This is the first year in a long time I have felt this way. Maybe after my next appointment I will feel better. Of course, by this point there will only be 2 days until Christmas.
The Elephant in the Room