The Downfall of my Christmas Spirit

Dear Reader,

It took me a while to write this, as I have said I’m struggling with my lack of Christmas spirit. Maybe it’s because I still have another doctors appointment before Christmas. I struggle to relax when I know I have an impending appointment. I struggle with doctors appointments for the most ridiculous reason ever. I am terrified one of my family members (extended included) that use the same doctors surgery, will see me in there and either A) ask questions which I don’t really want to answer or B) say to my parents “I saw Elephant at the doctors!” and they will start interrogating me as to why I was there. So here is a piece I started on Saturday.

It’s Saturday, the day of my work Christmas party that I have been looking forward to for months. But I can’t shake the feeling of being abandoned after my doctor finally gave up on me. I don’t want a referral. I want to be ok. I don’t want a magic fix. I just want something to work. Right now I’m throwing everything at a wall and nothing is sticking, and that is the sad horrible truth I’m not getting better. Even though I once believed I was. Nothing changes. People don’t change, and that is something that I honestly think is true, as brutal as that sounds.

I have been at work for 45 minutes and this is the third time I have to hide in the stockroom because I have started crying. I don’t want to go home. I need to stop, but I can’t and it’s really starting to drive me crazy. I need to stop crying now. It’s not helping me. But I’m having some really weird panic attacks, they last a few minutes, but make me breathless and sad for those few minutes and I look like an idiot. Maybe they aren’t lasting a minute, maybe I’m trying to carry on before I am ready. I should know by now that sometimes you have to ride a panic attack out, right to the end before you begin to pretend it is nothing. So today was really the first day I have actually said out loud. “My doctor is giving up on me.” and I think saying it out loud has actually made me realise that. And, that is terrifying. How am I supposed to fix myself if someone who is trained to help people can’t do it!

Shaking and crying are the worst things ever. Especially when you work in a public place. I’ve been telling people I’m tired or I have a cold to cover up. But I am just starting to look like an idiot. I need to calm down. I want to enjoy tonight. But, then again, I guess I am scared. I am not particularly good at controlling myself around alcohol when I feel like this. In a way I am worried about that. I will drink a lot very fast and then my mood will cycle down its bumpy road of “I am invincible” to “I am going to kill myself!” With the latter generally taking hold for longer than the first.

So as the day has gone on I have felt better, but I know how I have been feeling recently will only react badly to alcohol. I am feeling excited about the event, but I know that I am going to become distant and dissociative at some point during the evening and everyone will think I am a mopey idiot.

Well, before I had even got to the party I made sure I had filled myself with as much alcohol as I could, which wasn’t as much as I wanted. The biggest mistake anyone made of the night was not policing the free “wine” which I downed a couple of glasses of before the night had even really begun. After eating my child’s portion of Christmas dinner, I guess I was looking pretty drunk as people began to look worried about me. But at the risk of sounding like an alcoholic, I know my limits and by 2AM I had stopped drinking. I got home at 5AM and pretty much passed out from exhaustion.

Ok, I admit I was hungover the next day. Not hungover enough to not be able to function. I got just 4 hours sleep before I got up to go Christmas shopping. So I blame the lack of sleep. This hangover did the last two days. But, I think it was more because I was exhausted then anything.

I wanted to bring this party back my Christmas spirit, and, I am struggling with the lack of ability to be excited about Christmas. This is the first year in a long time I have felt this way. Maybe after my next appointment I will feel better. Of course, by this point there will only be 2 days until Christmas.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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14 thoughts on “The Downfall of my Christmas Spirit

  1. “People don’t change, and that is something that I honestly think is true, as brutal as that sounds.”
    I don’t agree with that. Oh, I’d definitely say that it doesn’t seem like that, and it does happen very rarely, but it CAN happen. And I say that not to make you feel worse but to give you hope. Keep moving, keep trying, keep pushing forward. You can do this. It’s going to be hard, and it’s going to hurt along the way, but things will get better. They will. I’m one to know.

    Merry Christmas
    ~ (from someone else having a hard time this holiday season)

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ve read several blogs over the last few days about the “Christmas Spirit” seems that many are not really feeling it this year.

    Christmas works parties are one part fun and the rest a touch nightmarish, we drink to give our confidence a boost, but it’s always just one too many, and it makes it hard to enjoy as it brings anxiety to the fore, but on the positive it’s a chance to let your hair down and smile,laugh and generally “forget”for a few hours.

    Take care.

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  3. Sometimes acceptance is the biggest and strongest tool at our disposal. I’ve begun “accepting” that I’m depressed and I have noticed I’m no longer making excuses to people, I simply am who I am…

    It’s hard, and I’m certainly not saying it’s where you should be, but it is something to consider. Maybe in accepting yourself the way you are will alleviate any discomfort others’ knowledge may make you feel…

    I’m not sure…life is so complicated as it is without having to deal with the other issues we all deal with, huh?

    I hope you find some peace for your Christmas. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  4. My own experience matches very much what disconcerted72 had to say above. Things are at their worst when I don’t accept myself and my situation, when I think I’m supposed to be “better,” whatever I think that looks like. But when I can look at myself in the mirror and just say, “Well, I guess this is what I have to work with,” the pressure immediately diminishes. It also helps decrease my worry about what others think of me. And once that pressure is gone, I can see myself more clearly: not only my flaws but my strengths–which makes the possibility of change feel much more real. But it starts with me accepting that I have problems with depression and anxiety, but that those don’t have to define who I am.

    As for the whole idea of “Christmas spirit,” I’m kind of starting to hate that phrase. Rather than pretending to be cheery and joyful and caring during the holidays and an a– the rest of the year, I prefer to work on being a better person in the present, whatever time of year that present is. I’m not going to be guilted into feeling what I don’t feel just because of the calendar. For what it’s worth. :~) Take care

    Liked by 1 person

  5. No professional has ever been able to help me, not really. A long time ago I had a counselor who was a perfect fit for me–right in the middle of the most difficult time of my life, she got reassigned and that was that. I have finally come to what the other commenters have said. This is who I am and how I am and that has value in this world. I know me and I know what doesn’t work (having tried it the other ways for so many decades now). I never really started with me before. I was always externally motivated and tried always to be a people pleaser, etc. No more of that. And Christmas is a whole other animal. Figure out what you really want from Christmas and give yourself permission to only do those things. It is hard because there is incredible pressure. But I think it is the only way to salvage it for yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I don’t know what’s worse, before or after. My next appt is the day AFTER Christmas. Sigh…

    btw I learned early on that my depression is only aggravated by alcohol, and I had to let it go. That may be the case for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I know what it’s like to have anxiety attacks in public. They are the worst. I appreciate you’re writing about them so honestly. I hope you have a nice holiday, and remember this: December 26 will come soon!

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  8. Christmas spirit is highly overrated. There were years when I just wanted to wallow in my misery, be left alone and pray for January. It happens, probably way more often than you think. Try not to beat yourself up over it. A new year is around the corner.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Even if you think your doctor has given up on you, WE haven’t. Keep going. Believe it or not you may well be keeping others, less able to explain, going along the rocky road at the moment. I have been away putting elderly relatives on the commode. All I can say is thank God for Prozac! Myself and both my daughters are on same drug now. Have you ever tried a mood stabiliser? Along with an anti depressant which works for you obviously!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I have been there; hiding in a place where they would not look for me, in my case a bathroom stall. It sucks having the attacks and sadly those attacks ended my employment. Thank you for sharing what so many are afraid of, what so many can’t explain.

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  11. *sigh* feeling abandoned is one of thee worst feelings anyone can have. I’m so sorry that you were made to feel that way. Hopefully this will not discourage you from giving therapy another try. There is a therapist that is a right fit and will stick it out with you, especially when you are at your lowest of lows. Sending hugs…

    Like

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