It’s a Christmas miracle. My Christmas spirit came and punched me square in the face. But, I have been bottling it up because since its return things have gone on to a strange downward spiral and I’m struggling to feel anything, happiness or sadness.
So it was Thursday when my life decided I had climbed too many rungs on the happiness ladder and it was time for me to slide back down to rock bottom. I’m not sure what had made me feel a lot more excited about Christmas, but I was happy to finally be feeling something. And then, as soon as I woke up on Thursday. No good morning, No how are you. Just “grandmas in hospital.” and that was the end of that conversation. I was frustrated for a few reasons, firstly, id has been preferred to at least have been greeted. But whatever. I should know by now that my mum is one hundred percent in her own head. I understand. I too am worried about my grandmother, but it doesn’t mean I stop worrying about everyone else in the world. But that’s another story. After getting an explanation of what had happened from my dad. (She had a chest infection and an infection in her leg) I pretty much got ready and left for work 2 hours early.
Something that has always interested me is that my parents don’t think it’s odd, that even though I start work generally at 2pm. I leave as early as 12pm most days to make a 20 minute journey because I don’t want to be at home. Or even worse, that they don’t think it’s weird that I don’t leave my bedroom until a few minutes before I leave.
Anyway, I got to work and as I’m now trying to not to bottle up all of the things that happen in my life. I decided to tell people. Well, as the day went on. I was reminded that, of course! I can’t be happy. Our HR representative called to say that he was coming the next day to talk about my crazy brain (paraphrasing). I don’t believe in karma, I think karma is something people invent because it makes them feel better knowing that the person who has wronged them will eventually feel that level of pain. If I believed in karma I would be worried about what I had done. If I believed in reincarnation, I think I must have been some terrible dictator, or a serial killer the way my life brings me crashing back down to earth the minute I begin to rise again.
I hadn’t been worrying too much, well, I had been hiding my level of worry because I thought it may be irrelevant. But about 5 minutes before I left work I got a phone call. The minute I saw the number I knew it was my granddad. He left a voicemail message telling me to call him back. I was terrified. I called my brother and asked him to call my granddad back because if it was bad news I would not want to hear it whilst I am on my way home. By this point I was having a panic attack, I was convinced I was losing my job and that my grandmother had died. In fact, I believe I may have said “great, I’m going to lose my grandmother and my job the week before Christmas!” My brother called me back to tell me it was just that my granddad couldn’t charge his phone. But still I felt on edge.
When I arrived at work the next day, I still didn’t really know much more about what was happening with my grandmother, and I had arrived at basically the same time as the HR representative. When it came to the time I had to talk to him, me being me and not being able to speak pretty much just said “I’m fine.” and did not elaborate much. I struggle to talk about these things with people I know well, nevermind people I have just met. He kept saying he hadn’t come to the store just to talk to me. But it sure felt like he had. Of course I didn’t lose my job. But, thankfully, they have changed their “send her home” idea into letting me be downstairs for a brief amount of time which is probably safer for everyone involved.
And then we come to today, the doctor appointment day. When I arrived at the doctors, I wasn’t particularly nervous, and I’m not sure why because I think today was the “riskiest” day for an appointment.
I have to be honest. I lied. I told him I was fine, I know I’m only feeling ok because of Christmas. But I just wanted to get out of there and go home and do all of the things I have to do before Christmas that I have continued to procrastinate about even though they take no time at all.
My problem was that I had no Christmas spirit. Now I have so much that I am struggling to feel anything else. I have no idea how my brain works sometimes.
The Elephant in the Room