Crash Landing Imminent

Dear Reader,

I thought I would at least have a few days where I was ok over christmas but sadly not. Christmas was not the day I wanted it to be. I ended up going to the hospital for two hours. 

I don’t resent my grandmother for being ill, if anything I am glad that she is in a place thats going to make her better. Well, try to make her better, nothing will change when she gets out of the hospital because she has given up. I know everyone in my family, my mum especially would see that as selfish. But, I get it. And I hate that I could never let anyone in my family know that. Giving up isn’t selfish. Sometimes its all you have, sometimes its the only way to make the pain stop. The pain you inflict on yourself and the pain you think you inflict on others.

The thing is, what is really, really destroying me now. is my mother. She has to be on the autism spectrum. I never really realised how childish, my mother was mentally when I was a child. I mean I have noticed. she comes home from work in tears sometimes because someone spoke to her in a nasty way. it frustrates me. But what has really, really. annoyed me is how she has taken everything out on me and my brother since my grandmother has been sick. “you don’t understand” she keeps saying. Of course I understand! She is my grandmother. Its not like I don’t care. Maybe if my mother wasn’t so wrapped up in her own little world she would see the things going on around her, like for example how her suicidal daughter is on antidepressants and sleeping pills. Or how there is something very wrong with my dad, but I will go back to that later.

Christmas has been well and truly destroyed this year, but not by my grandmother. By my mum, who insists on stopping the world because my grandmother is in hospital. But not just that. She criticises everyone elses decisions about what they do for my grandmother. And I’m so tired of hearing it. For example, my aunt didn’t visit my grandma on christmas day instead she cooked dinner for my granddad, aunt, uncle and her family. But my mum just kept talking about how selfish it was.

I stayed home today whilst my parents went to the hospital, I actually came out of my room for a few hours and sat downstairs and watched TV within minutes of them returning I was already retreating upstairs because I didn’t want to hear it! We are all upset, we are all worried. but she repeats everything 100 times. On christmas day I heard “Didn’t she do well with her dinner” about 67 times. I was getting so angry by the 60th that I just snapped “YES” every time.

The problem is, right now I don’t want to spend time with my family, or anyone else for that matter, I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t even really want to be in my room. I guess the sad thing is. I just don’t really want to exist anymore. But there is no point in me telling anyone that right? Steeling the lime light from my sick grandmother, telling my doctor the truth so he finally gives up on me and this time refers me for certain and doesn’t just threaten it. If my lows weren’t so low, It wouldn’t be so bad.

I am struggling to stay in my bedroom, I have my windows wide open and I am too lazy to close them, so I am freezing. but I would rather have my fingers numbed from coldness then spend another damn minute in that front room in silence watching songs of praise whilst my dad and brother sit with their headphones on. sociability is not a quality needed to live in my house.

There is nothing to elaborate on about christmas, I got some fantastic presents. I got things I really wanted. But, christmas isn’t about presents. This year it was about making me feel better, it was supposed to be about making me ok. I wanted to be ok by now. I didn’t want to be in this place. in two months time, I will be on holiday from work. it will be a big anniversary for me. If things have not changed by that point. I am not so sure I can be responsible for my actions. Maybe a referral from my doctor is for the best. I clearly can’t look after myself anymore. I mean, I have lost count of the amount of times my belly button has been infected since august, or that I have something wrong with my kidneys because I don’t drink really anything most days.

So back to my dad, I’m starting to worry about him. He wasn’t right on christmas day. He got up at 5am and claimed he couldn’t get back to sleep. and now he is complaining about pains in his ribs. I am honestly terrified he has lung cancer and is going to die. It sounds stupid and irrational. But I can’t stop thinking about it. And that is another reason I have retreated to my bedroom. He’s drinking a bottle of wine again, my mum’s probably crying and or repeating the same things over and over about my grandma and I can’t take it. My brain is just so fragile at the moment. I really needed a good christmas. But I’m still hurtling towards the earths core at an alarming speed. I wanted to correct my trajectory with a nice happy christmas. But as usual. No. People keep telling me that I am in charge of my own happiness. What a stupid thing to say. If you believe you are in charge of your own happiness you are so very, very wrong. By this statement I ruined my own christmas by chosing to be upset by the fact my grandmother was in hospital. By this statement, it is wrong of me to worry about anything because worrying causes me to be unhappy and all of this is my fault, as usual. I am making myself sad because I chose to not believe that I am the master of my own happiness.

I have never once asked anyone to make me happy, I have never expected anyone to make me happy. But, I don’t believe that I solely am in charge of my own happiness, for if I was I would have walked away from the majority of people in my life a long time ago. But I know that to an extent I play a part in those around me’s happiness. So no. I am not in charge of my own happiness. I can’t control other people’s input. In charge isn’t the right way to see it, I can steer my happiness in certain directions, I can avoid people, places and situations. But I could never, ever be the sole trusty of my own happiness.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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7 thoughts on “Crash Landing Imminent

  1. I think taking yourself away from your mum is the right thing to do at this moment. You have every right to feel sad for your Grandmother and you need to keep going for her. You may think she has given up but think of all she has been through and what has yet to come for you. Christmas can be a very tricky time with all the family in one place but especailly so if someone is in hospital. Take some deep breaths and close that window. Snuggle down in your bed and think of good things. You are feeling lonely but you are not alone. Hugs xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Elephant, your mother sounds like my mother. My mother is 73 and over Christmas I realized that really she is about 14 mentally and emotionally. I didn’t realize it fully until recently because we had been living in different states for about twenty years and so visits were rare and we mostly had letters and phone calls. And I wasn’t having major trouble with depression and anxiety then either.

    I believe it is narcissism on some level. You already know there is no “fixing” a personality disorder. The only way to save yourself is no contact. And I realize that can’t happen for you right now. But I say this in order to have you start to pat yourself on the back for all the time you spend in your room and at work and traveling to work, etc. You have been caring for yourself in that way and that is to be commended. It is not a weakness or a fault that you try to spend that time alone and away. It is necessary.

    You do see things the right way and just because people who should be able to see that–like your mother–cannot see that, doesn’t take away from your amazing vision of what is right and good.

    Please continue to spend as much time away from your mother as you can. At some point, when you are stronger, you can set and enforce boundaries with her. It takes awhile to figure out the boundaries that will work for both of you. But healing for yourself comes first.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. When we had to move my gramma this year, first to an assisted care apartment and then to a nursing home, two of my uncles fought it tooth and nail. It was only my mom, aunt, and me who accepted what was going on with her. The one uncle lives 13 hours away and kept insisting she was fine…how he could possibly know that was beyond me. My other uncle completely retreated and stopped coming around because it was too much for him.
    So I feel your pain on family reacting the way they do. I got to listen to my mom complain about how selfish all of my uncles are. In reality, it’s a coping mechanism.
    Your mom isn’t right for her actions and behavior but it’s how she is coping. I wish I could offer sage advice on how to cope with what your mom is doing but the only thing I can say is family sucks a lot of the time.

    I try my hardest to avoid my family as well.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I’m sorry your Christmas was to say the least, disappointing. I can completely sympathise with you in respect to your grandmother giving up, as that is sadly possibly what happened to mine. She was old, lost quite a lot of her mobility and no longer was allowed to enjoy the things she used to enjoy because of it. I think she was very resentful of her disability and if it was not for her faith I imagine she would have not been able to find a way to cope.

    I believe if I let myself I could be overcome with the prospect of all the terrible things that happen or could happen in the world; by controlling my ability to not be overcome by these potential thoughts I am able to be happy.

    You control your happiness by being strong enough to be able to overcome that of which makes you unhappy; to find something which brings you comfort, whether it be religion, a supernatural, scientific belief that there are things in life ready for you to be able to enjoy, or a social network ready to support you.

    You can achieve these things which would make you happier, but only with the control… the issue is that ‘master’ infers you have the control automatically, in a sense you do, but with the control’s grasp gives battle to overcome yourself. To get what you need in order to be in control, allowing yourself to receive counseling, talk to people who can help you be in control. The fact you could not be able to be the master of your own happiness solely by your own input, is normal.

    It worries me however the way you justify giving up and stating you wish you did not exist. I would hope those thoughts are unrelated, but with the tag of suicide I fear it is not the case. There is so much you can change with time. You have a job, you can take steps to get away from anything which is too much. Some pains like grief will be unavoidable when you love somebody enough, but there is so much for you – if you could master your happiness- which you can enjoy. Look for change which you can take to improve your life; for example more philosophical discussions – such like whether we could be the master of our own happiness.

    I hope to be reading many posts of you yet to be made,
    My sincerest well-wishes,
    ~ Sophistication-is-not-deliberation

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sorry to hear your nan is still in hospital, also it seems clear your mum is not dealing with it very well, like you she’s probably just scarde and has no idea how to articulate her feelings in a grounded manner, so basically pisses everyone off!

    I knew you were looking towards Christmas, simply because it’s this time of year, and for a few days a least put your own worries on the back burner, sadly not the case.

    It must be so difficult with all this stuff swirling about, but no one is hearing your pleas albeit silent, but the pain is there should anyone really look, and this is the nub, your trying to deal with your own spiralling issues and to take on more just accelerates your own negativity with your own situation.

    I think it’s a good idea to take a break, you need that quiet time to think about you and how you can move forward, your important and it’s essential that you take care of you.

    I hope New Year is better for you.

    Take care.

    Like

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