I wanted to start 2015 off on a positive. But I also think it’s important to round off 2014.
2014 was a roller coaster for me. Good times, bad times. You name it. But I want to say that on December 30th ,2014 I made a huge step forward. I told my brother I was depressed.
I told him about my blog. But begged him not to read it. I didn’t disclose any information other than its existence.
I don’t want him to read this, to know the extend of how I feel. It scares me to read it back sometimes so I can’t imagine how he would feel. How would you feel finding out that one day your older sibling came home with the intention of killing themselves, but it was only a conversation with you about something stupid and random that stopped them from doing it?
I lied to him a bit. He asked me why I was on the antidepressants. I told him I was just very depressed. He didn’t push further. I didn’t want him to know the truth.
The truth is the turning point in this depression was when my friend and cousin died. It was at that point when I realised I felt nothing but guilt that it wasn’t me that I knew something was wrong. I wouldn’t want him to know that. I don’t want him to try to make it better.
I also told him about my Aspergers. He didn’t say much about it. Just made the same “ass burgers. Burgers coming out of my ass” joke I have made to a lot of people. Which I guess shows how alike, we are.
But worryingly enough. He told me he had been to counselling at university. He told me that last Christmas was his lowest point, but he was ok now. I am still not sure how to feel about that.
Something I am now struggling with is the fact that my mum is now depressed and won’t stop crying, there is nothing I can do to fix it, she doesn’t listen to me, but in all honesty I’m not in a place where I can really cope with that right now. My new years resolution this year has been to put myself first more often. And I fully intend to. And unfortunately that means right now, she needs to fix herself. No one can make her go to the doctors. We all have to do this alone. Of course, she probably believes she is the only person who is depressed and if I told her I was, would just get the “you’re fine, what do you have to be upset about?” response. So, I won’t be talking to her about that any time soon.
In summary, 2014 taught me a lot. I learnt who my real friends were and that’s been an important step for me. I’ve always had a large group of “acquaintances” which I kept at an arms length. But I made an effort this year to find out who my “friends” are.
But 2014 has also been the point where I hit rock bottom the hardest, from my suicide attempt in February to the mood swings of the later year. 2014 has truly been a test of my mental health. But, I want 2015 to be a better year.
It seems I have been nominated once again for an award. It’s always so exciting to win an award and it really means a lot to me that people are reading and appreciating my work on this blog. I know I have been absent as of late, but I struggle with this season differently to most. I find that I become a child again, and I struggle to concentrate on anything. I feel its incredibly important to continue my work here for my own mental health, but also for others that relate to my blog.
I want to thank Innerdragon for my nomination. (View her blog here)
- What is your favourite type of animal in the world, real or myth
Well, this is a hard question for me. I really like Sharks, I feel bad for sharks, they get
Here is a completely soul destroying infographic about sharks. (Here)
- What is your favourite type of pet?
My favourite type of pet is definitely the cat, I have a cat. He is 17 years old. He is also my best friend and I am absolutely terrified of losing him. I don’t think I will have another cat for a while after he is gone.
- What is your least favourite type of pet?
My least favourite type of pet, this is hard. I would probably say like a Hamster or a mouse or something. I say this not because I am scared of those animals, I just worry I will hurt them because they are so small. Also, I find it sad that they don’t live very long.
- If you could BE an animal, which would you choose & why?
I think If I could be an animal it would probably be a falcon. It would be great to be able to fly around all day.
- What tends to be your favourite season & why?
Well, not so much this year, but id say Winter, I like to be cold, I like snow. I like the dark. I love looking at people outlandish Christmas light displays on their houses. It makes me happy.
- What tends to be your least favourite season & why?
Probably spring, I don’t really like the transition from cold to warm. But also, I find it boring.
- Have you ever visited a park or landmark of any sort & if so, what has been your favourite & why?
Hmm, I have been to a few landmarks and parks. I’m not sure I could really say any are my favourite. At the risk of giving away my location, In my city, there is a cathedral that was bombed during World War II, its ruins still stand and you can visit them. They are interesting. But I used to pass them everyday so I can’t say they were my favourite. I’m not sure, there are lots of landmarks I would love to visit.
I will now chose some female bloggers (sorry guys) to also receive this award and answer some questions. I know some people don’t like awards, but it’s important for me to nominate a few people who I feel have really helped me on my blogging journey. If I nominate you and you don’t do reward posts its fine, I just wanted you to know that you are an inspiration to me.
So here they are:
Cay over at therabbitholez.wordpress.com
I know you don’t do awards, but I wanted you to know how important your friendship has been to me this year, your words of support have really been important. You have really inspired me to keep writing so thank you.
I love the poetry on this blog, but also ladysighs has been a supportive member of the community on here and I wouldn’t still be writing if it wasn’t for this support.
Gale over at http://pennyplant.wordpress.com/
You always have a supportive comment to post on my pieces and that means a lot. I know I am terrible at responding to things sometimes. I always have the full intention of doing so often, but I get so behind with things and procrastinate so much that I always feel it has become too late to respond. But thank you for your support.
Marty over at https://ahuelon.wordpress.com/
Once again, Marty has been so very supportive to me since I started writing and that is really a big deal to me. I always enjoy reading your comments on my posts. It means a lot to me to know people care.
Finally, another fantastically supportive blogger http://loopylizzysays.wordpress.com/
Loopy Lizzy once posted a comment on one of my pieces telling me she had come online just to check on me. I couldn’t believe that, what a lovely thing to do. She looks out for me a lot, even finding posts that she feels would be useful for me to read. So thank you.
I want you all to know that you all mean a lot to me. There are so many others I could include (male bloggers too) but I limited this to 5.
Thank you for making 2014 a lot better than it could have been. Heres to a 2015 full of community support for everyone! My wish is that anyone who feels alone or upset can find a community as supportive as I have.
The Elephant in the Room