At the beginning of 2014, I was at, what I would probably consider, my lowest point. As 2015 began I felt I was anywhere near that low point, until I really considered my feelings and realised. Nothing has really changed. I’m not sure in all honesty what is keeping me here anymore. When I say “here” I don’t necessarily mean “alive”, I mean, physically here. What keeps me living with my parents? What keeps me at my job? What keeps me living in this city? What is keeping me alive? What is keeping me in my relationship? These are all questions I ask myself when I feel this way because I don’t think I am worthy of anyones time or thought. I Will go on to make a thousand stupid plans I could never live up to. When I tell people how I feel the most common response is “so leave” And I get that, because it would be my response to someone who complained about things the way I do in my head. But leaving isn’t that easy. I made a promise to myself this year to start putting myself first. But, that’s impossible for me because all I want to do is make everyone else happy, whether that be at my own expense or not.
Today I asked myself what makes me happy and my response was “nothing” Nothing makes me happy, and there is nothing I can think of doing, or any place I can think of going that will change that. I don’t actually know what I want anymore. And that is terrifying, A close friend of mine, who used to be one of my teachers, has said to me more than once that it doesn’t matter if you don’t know what you want. He has the benefit and wisdom of being twice my age. However, I think it does matter. Most people have some idea of a direction they want to go. And all I want to do is lie in bed and never leave my house because I don’t feel worthy of “living” anymore. Maybe I’m wasting my life, it’s not exactly like I am ever going to amount to anything. I’m not particularly good at anything, And there is no one around that would truly noticed if I was gone. I think people are pack animals. People need at least one other person they know they can rely on to feel safe and needed. I’m not sure I even have that.
Thinking back, I realise what started off all of these thoughts and I have annoyed myself even more. I was watching The Big Bang Theory. Generally, I don’t like this program because the laughter track is in a weird place and you aren’t laughing with the “geeks” you’re laughing at them and I had enough of that at school, I don’t need a TV show to remind me about it. Anyway, moving on. I watch it. Mostly because my brother likes it, but also because I think it’s an interesting character study. In this episode everything goes wrong for Sheldon, now whilst the creators of the Big Bang Theory are insistent Sheldon isn’t on the spectrum. He clearly shows signs of Aspergers. So Whatever, I get how he feels. Everything changed very rapidly for him and his response was to leave. And this made me realise how much is currently changing in my life and how I can’t deal with this much change at once and my response is to hide in my bed. Stupid TV shows making me think about my life.
Anyway, I’m not sure I should be proud of myself for buying another “sad day hoodie” my last sad day hoodie gave up on me when I decided to eat my body weight in pizza every day for a week. This sad day hoodie is going to get a lot of wear by the looks of the way my brain has decided to deflate any level of self esteem I had managed to require in the last few months.
I have a prescription in my bag from before Christmas that I have not had dispensed because I am so far behind on taking my pills that I haven’t needed it. I realise I need to make an appointment soon and see my doctor. But I’m just not ready to be given up on and at the moment lying to him is the only thing that’s making me feel that maybe there is a chance I could get better. But I can’t keep lying and I’m not sure I have a support system that is willing to be there for me if I go down the route of being referred. If I get referred I am going to get worse before I get better. I’m not sure I am ready to get worse, or even that those around me are ready for me to get worse. But as always this is my problem. I keep saying I need to put myself first and then I can’t. Because I don’t want to be the person that destroys everyone else.
My grandmother is still in hospital. I think she is going for the world record of days spent in the hospital. If they can’t fix her. What hope in hell have they got of fixing me? Maybe I am not supposed to get better. Maybe this is the path that “fate” chose for me. I was dealt a hand of cards from a pack that was already almost empty. Leaving me with some crappy cards that I cannot change.
I’m not sure what I am doing anymore. I have two days off of work. I think I may just lie in bed and pretend I’m sick (physically) maybe I can avoid people coming to bother me that way. I’m so angry at myself. I find that often when I start something I stop after a few months, and then time passes and I feel like I can’t go back because If I do I have to answer awkward questions about where I have been and why I was gone so long and why my brain is so stupid it won’t let me finish things or get close to people because then it’s over and I have to find something else to focus on and I can’t.
I don’t like to get close to people. See when you get close to someone you expect them to be there for you. And that is selfish. Because everyone deserves to be happy. And everyone deserves to make decisions that make them happy.
Everyone deserves to be happy. But it doesn’t mean we all can be. But, if I can sacrifice my happiness, so that someone gets an extra few hours of happiness. Then so be it. After all. I’m not sure I am part of the “everyone” who deserve to be happy.
The Elephant in the Room.