My Faltering Brain

Dear Reader,

At the beginning of 2014, I was at, what I would probably consider, my lowest point. As 2015 began I felt I was anywhere near that low point, until I really considered my feelings and realised. Nothing has really changed. I’m not sure in all honesty what is keeping me here anymore. When I say “here” I don’t necessarily mean “alive”, I mean, physically here. What keeps me living with my parents? What keeps me at my job? What keeps me living in this city? What is keeping me alive? What is keeping me in my relationship? These are all questions I ask myself when I feel this way because I don’t think I am worthy of anyones time or thought. I Will go on to make a thousand stupid plans I could never live up to. When I tell people how I feel the most common response is “so leave” And I get that, because it would be my response to someone who complained about things the way I do in my head. But leaving isn’t that easy. I made a promise to myself this year to start putting myself first. But, that’s impossible for me because all I want to do is make everyone else happy, whether that be at my own expense or not.

Today I asked myself what makes me happy and my response was “nothing” Nothing makes me happy, and there is nothing I can think of doing, or any place I can think of going that will change that. I don’t actually know what I want anymore. And that is terrifying, A close friend of mine, who used to be one of my teachers, has said to me more than once that it doesn’t matter if you don’t know what you want. He has the benefit and wisdom of being twice my age. However, I think it does matter. Most people have some idea of a direction they want to go. And all I want to do is lie in bed and never leave my house because I don’t feel worthy of “living” anymore. Maybe I’m wasting my life, it’s not exactly like I am ever going to amount to anything. I’m not particularly good at anything, And there is no one around that would truly noticed if I was gone. I think people are pack animals. People need at least one other person they know they can rely on to feel safe and needed. I’m not sure I even have that.

Thinking back, I realise what started off all of these thoughts and I have annoyed myself even more. I was watching The Big Bang Theory. Generally, I don’t like this program because the laughter track is in a weird place and you aren’t laughing with the “geeks” you’re laughing at them and I had enough of that at school, I don’t need a TV show to remind me about it. Anyway, moving on. I watch it. Mostly because my brother likes it, but also because I think it’s an interesting character study. In this episode everything goes wrong for Sheldon, now whilst the creators of the Big Bang Theory are insistent Sheldon isn’t on the spectrum. He clearly shows signs of Aspergers. So Whatever, I get how he feels. Everything changed very rapidly for him and his response was to leave. And this made me realise how much is currently changing in my life and how I can’t deal with this much change at once and my response is to hide in my bed. Stupid TV shows making me think about my life.

Anyway, I’m not sure I should be proud of myself for buying another “sad day hoodie” my last sad day hoodie gave up on me when I decided to eat my body weight in pizza every day for a week. This sad day hoodie is going to get a lot of wear by the looks of the way my brain has decided to deflate any level of self esteem I had managed to require in the last few months.

I have a prescription in my bag from before Christmas that I have not had dispensed because I am so far behind on taking my pills that I haven’t needed it. I realise I need to make an appointment soon and see my doctor. But I’m just not ready to be given up on and at the moment lying to him is the only thing that’s making me feel that maybe there is a chance I could get better. But I can’t keep lying and I’m not sure I have a support system that is willing to be there for me if I go down the route of being referred. If I get referred I am going to get worse before I get better. I’m not sure I am ready to get worse, or even that those around me are ready for me to get worse. But as always this is my problem. I keep saying I need to put myself first and then I can’t. Because I don’t want to be the person that destroys everyone else.

My grandmother is still in hospital. I think she is going for the world record of days spent in the hospital. If they can’t fix her. What hope in hell have they got of fixing me? Maybe I am not supposed to get better. Maybe this is the path that “fate” chose for me. I was dealt a hand of cards from a pack that was already almost empty. Leaving me with some crappy cards that I cannot change.

I’m not sure what I am doing anymore. I have two days off of work. I think I may just lie in bed and pretend I’m sick (physically) maybe I can avoid people coming to bother me that way. I’m so angry at myself. I find that often when I start something I stop after a few months, and then time passes and I feel like I can’t go back because If I do I have to answer awkward questions about where I have been and why I was gone so long and why my brain is so stupid it won’t let me finish things or get close to people because then it’s over and I have to find something else to focus on and I can’t.

I don’t like to get close to people. See when you get close to someone you expect them to be there for you. And that is selfish. Because everyone deserves to be happy. And everyone deserves to make decisions that make them happy.

Everyone deserves to be happy. But it doesn’t mean we all can be. But, if I can sacrifice my happiness, so that someone gets an extra few hours of happiness. Then so be it. After all. I’m not sure I am part of the “everyone” who deserve to be happy.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room.

 

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28 thoughts on “My Faltering Brain

  1. You are definitely included in “everyone.” You do know what you want, it’s happiness itself. People chase after this and that in pursuit of happiness but that doesn’t work. Horse must come before cart. To be happy, go after happiness directly, which means habits that build in the causes of happiness consistently. I see a lot of “self-seeking” in this post, confusion about who you are, what life is about, confusion about what you thoughts mean. I’ve been there, and I think we all come to this sooner or later. But you can’t find happiness in thoughts about yourself. Worthiness is a feeling, a natural feeling, you are worthy, but you can’t get to that through thinking.

    Happiness really is a natural state. Think about kids, they are in the flow, connected. Finding happiness is really about removing the blocks to happiness… the wrong nutrition that means our physical bodies aren’t functioning well, the wrong thoughts that separate us from connection to who we are, etc. Lots of potential blocks.

    Happiness is simple. It’s not that the things we need to do for happiness are complex. The opposite is the truth, it’s very simple. But getting to the place where those simple things are our everyday experience is the challenge. Change is the challenge, first to see this simplicity as self-evident truth, and then to overcome thought-habits, addictions etc to remove the blocks to happiness.

    And… you are clearly good at stuff. E.g. this blog.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Try making a list of 10 things that give you joy (besides TV) and then do them. And also think about what you would study if you went to school to change what you do for a living. My list of 10 things would be:
    1. Go to the beach
    2. Read
    3. eat (lol)
    4. Go out to eat (hmm)
    5. Work on my novel
    (boy this is hard to do! wow…)
    6. Write a blog
    7. Play a game (I’m cheating – that’s just what I do when there is nothing to do)
    8. Take photos and then post the good ones
    9. YIPES!

    I guess I need to think on this a little better before I start doling out advice lol

    As to what to study, I would finish my degree, preferably in creative writing (I don’t have too many credits left for my Bachelors degree)

    Well anyway! Try to figure out something positive out of all that you wrote above. It seems like you are in a horribly negative “space” in your head and it’s easy to see why you are stuck. 😦

    But some days it is just as well to pretend you’re sick, so I guess I have come up w/
    9, SLEEP! and
    10. Um, I do like to bake (and eat, if you hadn’t figured that out from above)

    (edited to add: I should have also added, go to church, read the Bible, but I guess when I am depressed, I forget that these things give me joy. In fact sometimes they take a lot of effort when I’m depressed. But they do help)

    I also have tried to get out of the all-I-can-see-is-myself mode of depression by thinking what I can do to help someone. If you are like me, though, you probably do too MUCH helping others! So sometimes for treating my depression I have to back OFF from helping!

    We’ll try just 5 of those:
    1. Make a call to someone who’s lonely, maybe an older person.
    2. Write a note
    3. Make something for somebody
    4. (this one is easy) Say yes if someone asks for something ie a ride, or help w/ something
    5. Volunteer at something (short or long term)

    OK! I guess I just wrote my next blog entry! And I hope you don’t mind my suggestions!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Changing is such a massive hurdle to get over, put simply you don’t know what is on the other side, that’s the beauty and the horror of it, but unless you are willing to try you’ll never know.

    However easier said than done, I’ve been making changes of late and am terrified and oddly excited at the same time, and hope to last the course I’ve set myself.

    You said nothing has changed, hasn’t it, you’ve started this fantastic blog and have shared with us some of the darkest moments of your life and that’s not easy regardless of whether it’s online or your day to day life.

    You have spoken to someone at work, ok you weren’t particularly happy with the result as such but you opened up to others.

    You have your job i know at times you find it difficult to manage, but you’ve kept it and that means you get out of bed daily.

    You have friends, not saying that you can confide in them or even that they would understand, but you still keep up socially no matter how limited.

    You have kept up with your doctors appointments, you say your lying about your mental health status, but you do go along and when ready you will tell him/her more and more.

    I read in one of your earlier blogs that you were going to commit suicide, you didn’t

    You have compassion and care, you are also self aware, and you are most certainly part of everything. I get that your being held hostage by the very nature of your illness which is just a breeding ground for negativity, but if you can see a little glimpse beyond that you will see you have much to offer, but only you can decide when, change is a series of small steps, and when linked together you will be able to see that you’ve travelled a long way.

    Nothing wrong with putting others first, though it can be a habit and you forget to invest in yourself, perhaps try daily to do something that is just for you, you deserve to be well and happy.

    Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I won’t give you a “Cheer you up” speech. It really wont help and, if your like me, will kinda annoy you. But I will tell you that I’m glad you’re here. You are wide open about your feelings and your life experiences. That is no small thing. I think you’re brave. And that’s not me being kind 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I think there is a lot of negativity in your life, and your thinking. Maybe if you could find just one thing to focus on, to be good at, it would be something to be happy about. Trust me, I have been in your shoes, and still have a lot of negativity in my own life. But I have found one positive thing I can do that makes me happy, and I do it for others, not myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hi! This is Natalie. I’m one of the admins for Melobear Explains it All, and I wandered onto this blog after you liked one of Melobear’s posts. First, I think you’re very brave and self-aware to be writing so frankly about depression.

    You have my sympathies and compassion. I can’t truly understand what you’re going through; no one but yourself can tell the difference between bad days, really bad days, and Evilly Bad Days. I don’t know what you can do to feel better, but I can see from the comments that plenty of people are rooting for you.

    It seems that a lot if going on in your life, and there isn’t much of a refuge outside or even inside your head. I remember reading something from the comedian Stephen Fry describing his manic depression as weather. There’s no denying that it’s pouring, but it will pass. It is something outside of yourself. Perhaps today, you’re going to defy the weather and go outside. And perhaps, you’ll hole up at home. Either is okay. It will pass.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I can relate to how you feel. Life can feel like such a robotic routine and when theres a lack of people can relate combined with not wanting to pull them into a vortex with you… life can seem hopeless.
    Youre not alone though. I know you will get out of this cloud.

    Like

  8. I can relate to how you feel. Life can feel like such a robotic routine and when theres a lack of people who can relate combined with not wanting to pull them into a vortex with you… life can seem hopeless.
    Youre not alone though. I know you will get out of this cloud.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I know all of these feelings all too well. I’m a person that wants to see others happy more than anything, BUT you are most definitely worthy of happiness! You also seem like an amazing person and you are a fantastic writer. It’s ok to be lost and not know what direction to turn sometimes or even taking that step to walk. I look forward to your future blog posts. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Sheldon is ABSOLUTELY someone that I would diagnose with ASD… The regimented nature. The way he is clueless about emotions and cannot pick up on social cues… Also, the one-minded interested in science.sci-fi and NOTHING else… Hello!!! I have a psych degree (BA so I am not an official diagnosing clinician or anything), but it is text book, and my opinion is that his mother has to have him tested again, lol. I will get back to you one I receive my MD… But he is also my favorite character. I LOVE Sheldon! He is interesting, entertaining, smart, and funny without trying. He makes the whole show.

    Like

  11. I can relate to your post so much. You have to remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will one day find happiness and believe you are worthy of happiness and other peoples time. You definitely are. Thank you for reading my blog. I will be sure to keep reading yours and hope things start to look up for you 🙂

    Like

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