Something I really don’t understand is why people care about me. That sounded a lot more ominous than I wanted it to. What I mean is, people see the good in me that I can’t force myself to see. When you spend a lot of time with someone, their true character comes out, I know my true character and I am not proud of myself. I would be very skeptical of myself if I was to meet myself, and maybe that’s why I instantly take a dislike to people who I see certain character traits in that I have.
Self loathing, laziness, talking too much. All things I do which I hate about myself, when I see others do I hate even more. I project my anger on those people. I can’t stand those things, they frustrate me. It’s probably my Aspergers that does it, but I have no idea how to react to these people except to get completley frustrated.
A personality trait which frustrates the hell out of me, and thankfully, it isn’t something I do which makes me feel substantially better is bragging.. Braggers annoy the hell out of me. I don’t care about your house, I don’t care about your money, your car, your ability to make the worlds greatest milkshake, your ability to make a superhero costume of latex rubber, your ability to write the most pretentious drivel ever. I don’t want to hear about it. It is irrelevant to me. Just yesterday I was introduced to someone I had never met before. I had to spend 4 hours with this person, the whole time they bragged about: Their daughter’s perfect hand-made costumes, their fantastic trips to every exotic country ever, Their out of this world friends who grow organic vegetables and write pompous songs about heartbreak and claptrap like that. I took an instant dislike to this person. Because, in all honesty. I don’t care. I hardly know the person, she annoyed me within the first 5 minutes of meeting her and my opinion was formed solidly at that point, there was no way for her to redeem herself now. I often see the good in everyone far too quickly, I’m generally a good judge of character in the respect that if I meet someone who irritates me within the first 5 minutes of knowing them, I know I won’t ever really get on with them. Sometimes I struggle to hide that. Especially if I see them as false.
I am very protective of people I care about, I am fiercely loyal, often to an extreme. I will defend people to the moon and back sometimes whether I think they are right or not. Purely because I want them to be happy and feel right, But this is something I can only apply to others. I would never stand for any of my friends or family to be bullied or attacked. Yet if someone was to these things to me, I would accept it. Why? Because someone who insults me is not saying anything that I don’t already think about myself. It’s very hard to offend me, purely because my opinion of myself is so incredibly low.
I guess I have low self-esteem, and thats probably not very good for me. I am very negative about everything that I do, I am a perfectionist, that could never reach my own high standards. But other people amaze me, other peoples skills, even if they are below my own astound me. That sounds weird, but maybe its because the people that are closest to me could never let me down with their abilities in certain circumstances. Whereas my own abilities will never, ever, be good enough for me.
I’m getting side tracked. The point is that regardless of what happens, I tend to tell people they can blame me. Why? Because I feel I am inadequate, I feel that I probably did cause the problem in some way, whether that be a small contribution or not. But in all honesty it’s incredibly hard to really hurt me. I have so many walls up that blame and insults merely scratch the outer core of my Alcatraz like brain structure.
I recently let my partner blame me for something, that people tell me wasn’t my fault. I say I let him. I’m not letting him. I believe it was my fault and so his blame is justified. And that’s fine, I hope having an outlet for his pain will help him move on and grow.
It’s only been in the last year or so that I have started to be a lot more open about not only my mental health but also my personal issues. I have dealt with these things for so long that they no longer shock me. I built layer upon layer of mental barriers to keep people out, because I didn’t want to get hurt, I didn’t want to experience pity, I didn’t want anyone to see me as weak. But now those layers are cemented in place and I am structured enough to stop them from breaking down. So, if all else fails you can blame it on me. And I won’t crack like a normal person.
People struggle to see me like this, people get angry at me for saying this. But sometimes it’s easier to yell and blame someone for something than to bottle it up, I don’t think it’s right to bottle things up. I once had an argument with a friend who told me that bottling things up is better than expressing them, because expressing things “rewards” them. Expressing your anger, feeds it, it rewards it. Well, this was what my opponent was trying to make me believe. I think expressing these emotions are a better way of dealing with things. So for my friends who are upset and need someone to blame.
It’s alright now, you can blame it on me.
The Elephant in the Room