So I’m disappointed in myself. It used to be a conscious effort, or at least a known effort to pretend that I was ok, But now I just do it without thinking, and I find that horrifying. For example. I have been getting to work feeling my usual pensive self, but before I know it I’m acting like everythings ok again. And then I realise what I am doing and I get really annoyed at myself. Because I am not happy. And I do not want to pretend I am anymore.
I get out of bed an hour and a half before I need to be at work. So depending on when I start work, that could be a variety of times. Today it was 10:30, tomorrow it will be 12:30. When I get home from work I sit in a chair, but If I had the strength or mental ability to claw my way up the stairs I would go straight to bed, and probably sleep. I think I could probably realistically sleep for about 14 hours a day and still feel tired the next day.
I seem to have been reminding myself recently that I am not happy, I’m not sure I listen to myself when I say it, but I know deep down i’m not happy but, I don’t want to admit it. I do everything in my life for other people. I don’t really do much I want to do at all, the things I do for myself are stupid materialistic things like buying a new laptop because it’s lighter and thinner than my current one.
But even though I know what is making me unhappy, it doesn’t help because, firstly I don’t know what I want. And secondly I don’t want to let anyone down. I just can’t take the guilt trips that come with doing what I want to do. Whatever those things are
So for the downward spike in my feelings I would like to thank my mother for making me feel crappy. My grandma finally came out of the hospital ending her bid for the Guinness World Record of hospital stays. Instead of going home, she has been taken to a prison. Or a “rehabilitation centre” as the doctors like to call it. She can return home when social services have arranged carers to come and help my grandparents 4 times a day.
I call it a prison because on the first night of her being there she was ignored. She pressed her buzzer multiple times, but nobody came. The next day she wasn’t given breakfast until my granddad started yelling at people. She wasn’t given a shower, or even spoken to for almost a day. So yes. A prison.
So why did my mum make me feel bad? You see, today I finish work at 4:30. That gives me enough time to go home and go to visit my grandma, but, I haven’t showered for 5 days, so I guess that’s more important and also I am not in a talkative mood so I just feel stupid and awkward.
So after moping around work for 4 hours. And even “breaking” the news to my fellow employees that my medication doesn’t seem to be working at the moment. I went and hid in Mc Donalds. Partly because I didn’t want to get home before 5:30 which would be when my mum left. But also because I wasn’t ready to go home and I just wanted to sit and do nothing in the warm for a little while. So I sat on my laptop, in the corner of Mc Donalds eating a Big Mac and flicking through random web pages.
Then I decided I should probably go home as I was starting to get funny looks from staff who probably thought I was going to be there for the night. And as the close their upstairs area at 6pm they were probably intimidated by my grumpy looking face, unemotionally typing and staring at a screen.
So I got on the bus, was forced to make conversation and then walked the 2 minute journey to my house. Where I sat on the sofa and haven’t moved since. (About 3 hours ago)
So I guess I should make a doctors appointment. I’m considering making one a little earlier than really needed because I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. But I have lost a little bit of faith in my doctor and I am tempted to see a different doctor and avoid mine at all costs. Although knowing my luck, I will end up seeing him anyway. I am developing a very blunted personality. More and more my brain is saying “What’s the point?” But, my “bi-polar” traits are getting worse, I am noticing things that I realise aren’t exactly positive signs. Just recently I have felt very motivated to start a variety of creative projects, to the point when I physically moved my computer to my bedroom to be able to use it more, as well as buying a brand new laptop to “help” me be more productive in finding a writing job. Of course, just a day after all of this I no longer had any interest in continuing and now I just feel like I am an idiot.
The Elephant in the Room