I Am Disappointed In Myself

Dear Reader,

So I’m disappointed in myself. It used to be a conscious effort, or at least a known effort to pretend that I was ok, But now I just do it without thinking, and I find that horrifying. For example. I have been getting to work feeling my usual pensive self, but before I know it I’m acting like everythings ok again. And then I realise what I am doing and I get really annoyed at myself. Because I am not happy. And I do not want to pretend I am anymore.

I get out of bed an hour and a half before I need to be at work. So depending on when I start work, that could be a variety of times. Today it was 10:30, tomorrow it will be 12:30. When I get home from work I sit in a chair, but If I had the strength or mental ability to claw my way up the stairs I would go straight to bed, and probably sleep. I think I could probably realistically sleep for about 14 hours a day and still feel tired the next day.

I seem to have been reminding myself recently that I am not happy, I’m not sure I listen to myself when I say it, but I know deep down i’m not happy but, I don’t want to admit it. I do everything in my life for other people. I don’t really do much I want to do at all, the things I do for myself are stupid materialistic things like buying a new laptop because it’s lighter and thinner than my current one.

But even though I know what is making me unhappy, it doesn’t help because, firstly I don’t know what I want. And secondly I don’t want to let anyone down. I just can’t take the guilt trips that come with doing what I want to do. Whatever those things are

So for the downward spike in my feelings I would like to thank my mother for making me feel crappy. My grandma finally came out of the hospital ending her bid for the Guinness World Record of hospital stays. Instead of going home, she has been taken to a prison. Or a “rehabilitation centre” as the doctors like to call it. She can return home when social services have arranged carers to come and help my grandparents 4 times a day.

I call it a prison because on the first night of her being there she was ignored. She pressed her buzzer multiple times, but nobody came. The next day she wasn’t given breakfast until my granddad started yelling at people. She wasn’t given a shower, or even spoken to for almost a day. So yes. A prison.

So why did my mum make me feel bad? You see, today I finish work at 4:30. That gives me enough time to go home and go to visit my grandma, but, I haven’t showered for 5 days, so I guess that’s more important and also I am not in a talkative mood so I just feel stupid and awkward.

So after moping around work for 4 hours. And even “breaking” the news to my fellow employees that my medication doesn’t seem to be working at the moment. I went and hid in Mc Donalds. Partly because I didn’t want to get home before 5:30 which would be when my mum left. But also because I wasn’t ready to go home and I just wanted to sit and do nothing in the warm for a little while. So I sat on my laptop, in the corner of Mc Donalds eating a Big Mac and flicking through random web pages.

Then I decided I should probably go home as I was starting to get funny looks from staff who probably thought I was going to be there for the night. And as the close their upstairs area at 6pm they were probably intimidated by my grumpy looking face, unemotionally typing and staring at a screen.

So I got on the bus, was forced to make conversation and then walked the 2 minute journey to my house. Where I sat on the sofa and haven’t moved since. (About 3 hours ago)

So I guess I should make a doctors appointment. I’m considering making one a little earlier than really needed because I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. But I have lost a little bit of faith in my doctor and I am tempted to see a different doctor and avoid mine at all costs. Although knowing my luck, I will end up seeing him anyway. I am developing a very blunted personality. More and more my brain is saying “What’s the point?” But, my “bi-polar” traits are getting worse, I am noticing things that I realise aren’t exactly positive signs. Just recently I have felt very motivated to start a variety of creative projects, to the point when I physically moved my computer to my bedroom to be able to use it more, as well as buying a brand new laptop to “help” me be more productive in finding a writing job. Of course, just a day after all of this I no longer had any interest in continuing and now I just feel like I am an idiot.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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12 thoughts on “I Am Disappointed In Myself

  1. First of all, you are not an “idiot”. Secondly, you are progressing through life…maybe it’s not what you would call life, but you are traversing through it and you have a right and a duty to yourself to enjoy what you can out of it. My counselor one time told me, that sometimes things are what they are…but we can change our perspective, we can give ourselves permission to do nice things for ourselves….even in spite of some people not agreeing with it.

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  2. Your not an idiot, but your caught up in a loop, which seems not to be letting you go forwards, maybe a change of doctor might help yo may even want to open up a little more with someone new.

    The NHS are shocking when it comes to our elderly, an absolute disgrace, buzzers not being answered and no breakfast, you grandmother must be so confused by it all, when all she wants to be is at home.

    Starting a new project is a good idea, anything the gets the creative juices flowing and your mind focused elsewhere, and you are a good writer:)

    Take care

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  3. I worked in a nursing home and left many nights crying while I drove home, because of the lack of compassion of the facilities and the supervisors for the residents. That is one of the reasons I changed jobs. I like the idea of your creative writing projects,

    You are a great writer and you are good at describing your feelings on paper. It is a good outlet for you

    . Someone above (I can;t scan up right now) said something about the loop you are caught in. I also get caught in mental loops and behavioral loops. They are very hard to break free from.

    This is why it is 4:37 am and I am writing to you rather than sleeping. I am afraid to close the computer because I am afraid to be alone. So I will be up too late and then do the same thing you do …get up a half hour before i have to be at work.

    It is so stressful to be stuck in these loops and we end up replaying the same behaviors we hate about ourselves ..being late to work, not having time to shower or look presentable. sayingI will sleep on time tonight because i was so tired at work but then doing it again.

    There must be a way out. The creative writing is a good idea and i would like to hear more about what you are working on. Who knows, maybe a new project will help break your loop up a bit.

    Hang in there.
    Annie

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  4. Hey elephant you should never get annoyed with yourself. you are just erecting personal defences. i’m not saying its the right thing or the wrong thing, just its understandable, we all do it ( read my post awards season) Just take one day at a time and you’ll start moving forward.

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  5. You are not your illness. There is nothing wrong about you. I had to learn this about myself and maybe nobody ever told you this, so I thought I’d tell you. Everyone has brain chemistry, yours is just wonky. So is mine. It’s a pain to get it right, but the right meds will make you feel better.

    I think you’re absolutely on the right track: if you can try another doctor, you should. I had to try several doctors before I found the right one who got me. Hopefully the next one will be the right one but please don’t give up. You are clearly intelligent and caring and you deserve to be happy.

    I know what it’s like to say “what’s the point?” to everything and it is the worst feeling in the world. Literally. Get out of the pit. I know you can do it and I know it’s worth it.

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  6. Seems like you’re in a very dark place right now–I’m glad you’ve decided to see your doctor. I’m way late reading this so I’m hoping that things have gotten better. Sending many hugs and thoughts your way…

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  7. Your description fits well my average day last year. So far this year is looking better – don’t give up hope! And yes, contact your doctor… Here’s another idea – take it or leave it πŸ™‚ Make for yourself a “date night” – one night each month where you intentionally do something different and special to pamper yourself… even if it’s just sitting in a different room on a softer chair! I find that even small changes in my surroundings can give me a vastly different (and usually better) perspective on my situation.

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  8. Dont call urself an idoit. You have such an amazing talent writing! I can kinda relate to everything here. I want to start a project, get everything ready, then the next day…..i cant be bothered. But now i take each day and do something super selfish. Just to remind me tht im important too. Go to a new doctor, it may be what you need. Sorry to hear about your grandmother, reason my mum or step dad will never go in one. Remember you’ve achieved so much!!! Your blog has loads of followers, id say your doing really well! I also agree with Diana Holberg, give yourself a ‘date’ night just for you!!

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