Inevitably, I have crashed.
I wanted to make a doctors appointment on Monday for later on in the week, but I didn’t because I couldn’t be bothered and because of that I have let myself down. Because of my stupid inability to get past my own laziness, I have risked my own recovery. And I still can’t be bothered, so I probably won’t for a while. Maybe next week, I guess.
So something that has been absolutely driving me insane recently is my inability to find a suitable laptop bag for my new laptop. And it is making me depressed. I know that sounds silly. But it’s horrible.
I bought a new laptop recently, its beautiful. But, it’s very thin and I don’t feel safe with it in any of my bags, so I want to buy a new bag that will keep it safe. I have looked on amazon, apple store, ebay, countless bag “specialists” you name it. And nothing is suitable, its either too big, or stupid looking, or the opposite of what I want, or I can’t fit all of my crap in it.
Today I even resorted to doing a google image search for “laptop messenger bag” and slowly scrolled through some hundreds and thousands of images, then 226 pages of bags on Etsy and NOTHING was close to what I wanted. I have literally exhausted all options I can possibly think of. It is literally driving me mad that I cannot find a laptop bag suitable, I want a perfect laptop bag damn it, why is it so hard?
I guess I am projecting, I feel like a failure because I can’t find a new bag, I have spent maybe 4 hours today looking at various websites. That for me is unacceptable. But it’s not just today! Oh no, I have done this for about 3 or 4 days in the last two weeks, I woke up at 7AM to do it one day. The same sites, over and over and nothing changes. Is the bag a catalyst for my depression, or is it an excuse? Am I blaming this bag because I need something to blame for feeling like this again?
I had arranged to meet two sets of friends on Friday, I have managed to weasel my way out of meeting one set. Which means I can come home early and hide in my bed after I have eaten a meal for my friend’s birthday. I won’t be drinking alcohol on Friday. I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to drink right now. When I feel down alcohol brings me down further and I am making the conscious decision not to drink.
I can see this as being a repeat of the last time I drank with people. When I feel down I drink too much too quickly, as Friday is my payday I will have money and when I am in a pub with money it always goes badly. At my work Christmas party I drank too much too quickly, some of the people I work with don’t know me very well, when I’m down I become withdrawn and that is often mistaken for being miserable, in reality I just don’t have anything to add to the conversation. In that kind of situation, I drink, I drink too fast because it makes me “funny” I use funny loosely here because what it means is I rapidly fire all manor of stupid jokes that generally consist of “That’s what she said”, silly quips and horrible observations of people around me.
Sadly, I had to chose between two groups of friends who know me well on Friday, but in one group it is a friend’s birthday so I have chosen that group. I will be drinking coca cola all night.
I washed my sad day hoodie this week for the first time since I bought it, I washed it because I wanted it to smell like fabric softener and its a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine to smell fabric softener. I have never told anyone that before because it sounds weird. Anyway, its back on and its probably a good job I did wash it because the amount I have eaten the last two days it will be the only thing that fits me! Stupid depression, I don’t want to eat 5 meals a day. Since I am off work for two weeks it means I have easy access to food which is not good. What is good is that I haven’t been wasting my time, I’ve been making daily lists, here is todays
- Read one section of the book I am reading
- Read 5 comics
- Watch 5 Episodes of current TV I am catching up with
- Watch one movie
- Complete a level of videogame (or significant section)
- Write ideas/piece for the blog
- Catch up on physical blog write up
This is keeping me busy even though I don’t actually have to get out of bed to do this its at least keeping my mind occupied and helping my slide in to the depths of depression a little slower than usual.
The Elephant in the Room