This Inevitable Crash

Dear Reader,

Inevitably, I have crashed.

I wanted to make a doctors appointment on Monday for later on in the week, but I didn’t because I couldn’t be bothered and because of that I have let myself down. Because of my stupid inability to get past my own laziness, I have risked my own recovery. And I still can’t be bothered, so I probably won’t for a while. Maybe next week, I guess.

So something that has been absolutely driving me insane recently is my inability to find a suitable laptop bag for my new laptop. And it is making me depressed. I know that sounds silly. But it’s horrible.

I bought a new laptop recently, its beautiful. But, it’s very thin and I don’t feel safe with it in any of my bags, so I want to buy a new bag that will keep it safe. I have looked on amazon, apple store, ebay, countless bag “specialists” you name it. And nothing is suitable, its either too big, or stupid looking, or the opposite of what I want, or I can’t fit all of my crap in it.

Today I even resorted to doing a google image search for “laptop messenger bag” and slowly scrolled through some hundreds and thousands of images, then 226 pages of bags on Etsy and NOTHING was close to what I wanted. I have literally exhausted all options I can possibly think of. It is literally driving me mad that I cannot find a laptop bag suitable, I want a perfect laptop bag damn it, why is it so hard?

I guess I am projecting, I feel like a failure because I can’t find a new bag, I have spent maybe 4 hours today looking at various websites. That for me is unacceptable. But it’s not just today! Oh no, I have done this for about 3 or 4 days in the last two weeks, I woke up at 7AM to do it one day. The same sites, over and over and nothing changes. Is the bag a catalyst for my depression, or is it an excuse? Am I blaming this bag because I need something to blame for feeling like this again?

I had arranged to meet two sets of friends on Friday, I have managed to weasel my way out of meeting one set. Which means I can come home early and hide in my bed after I have eaten a meal for my friend’s birthday. I won’t be drinking alcohol on Friday. I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to drink right now. When I feel down alcohol brings me down further and I am making the conscious decision not to drink.

I can see this as being a repeat of the last time I drank with people. When I feel down I drink too much too quickly, as Friday is my payday I will have money and when I am in a pub with money it always goes badly. At my work Christmas party I drank too much too quickly, some of the people I work with don’t know me very well, when I’m down I become withdrawn and that is often mistaken for being miserable, in reality I just don’t have anything to add to the conversation. In that kind of situation, I drink, I drink too fast because it makes me “funny” I use funny loosely here because what it means is I rapidly fire all manor of stupid jokes that generally consist of “That’s what she said”, silly quips and horrible observations of people around me.

Sadly, I had to chose between two groups of friends who know me well on Friday, but in one group it is a friend’s birthday so I have chosen that group. I will be drinking coca cola all night.

I washed my sad day hoodie this week for the first time since I bought it, I washed it because I wanted it to smell like fabric softener and its a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine to smell fabric softener. I have never told anyone that before because it sounds weird. Anyway, its back on and its probably a good job I did wash it because the amount I have eaten the last two days it will be the only thing that fits me! Stupid depression, I don’t want to eat 5 meals a day. Since I am off work for two weeks it means I have easy access to food which is not good. What is good is that I haven’t been wasting my time, I’ve been making daily lists, here is todays

  • Read one section of the book I am reading
  • Read 5 comics
  • Watch 5 Episodes of current TV I am catching up with
  • Watch one movie
  • Complete a level of videogame (or significant section)
  • Write ideas/piece for the blog
  • Catch up on physical blog write up

This is keeping me busy even though I don’t actually have to get out of bed to do this its at least keeping my mind occupied and helping my slide in to the depths of depression a little slower than usual.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

 

 

 

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9 thoughts on “This Inevitable Crash

  1. Maybe the worst part of what we go through is knowing the whole time while we feel good that it will come to an awful end at some point… Good for you on setting your mind to not be drinking. I suggest you tell your friends to hold you to that plan – that you will hold them responsible if they let alcohol pass your lips! Hopefully you have true friends who will do that rather than try to take advantage of you in a vulnerable time. I have done the same thing you are doing with doctor’s appointments. I always have to remind myself, it’s just a phone call… 1 minute and it’s done.

    Oh, as for the laptop bag… just get one that looks nice and line it with a towel or something 🙂 Works for me…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s hard to say something because I know what your going through, some days are just an endless pursuit of nothingness as we try to fill the void with something, its a monotonous cycle.

    Being with others a time like this doesn’t help although it does change the landscape of venue, though I would say keep up with the invites as at least it gives you another focus, and means your not alone with your thoughts for a few hours anyway.

    I bought a new laptop recently and it came with a bag, which the handles have unattached already, finding a new case was futile because I liked the one i had and no other will do, the search goes on.

    Remember to be kind to yourself
    take care.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I can definitely relate to this. Sometimes, the strangest “little” things can send me into a spiral. It’s good that you are keeping lists of things to do, though. I need to get better with that. I do find things like that to be very helpful. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have my days too where it is hard to do anything right. Finding a laptop bag (I think) in your case is pulling you out of your “rut.” Were it me, anything that puts me out of my “rut” causes chaos and everything ends up being…just…wrong. Its frustrating and makes me angry. More so when a family member looks at me and says “This is not you, girl, get your act together.” It is not that simple. I am not much into fashion or even bags. When I DO have to go find one, I hate it. It is like shopping for a car, there is never the right one and no matter what you find, it is not the perfect fit. I look forward to seeing when you finally find the right one. It is out there. Just keep looking. I am pulling for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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