Today has been an interesting day. And I think you are all going to be proud of. Well, I hope you will.
I went to bed last night as usually do, around 11PM. it took me a while to get to sleep, I was awake after 1AM so I know it was between 1 and 2AM when I finally drifted off. I was woken at 8:45 when my mum opened my door and yelled in “Dads listening out for the hairdressers, listen out for the door.” My parents were expecting a parcel. The problem was I was still tired and didn’t want to get up. And to be honest I was angry at my mum. My mum usually comes and says good bye to me and kisses me on the head. And this was the second time this week she hadn’t done that. Did I have the right to be upset about that? well I was and I thought about it as I tried to go back to sleep. within no time, I heard my dad return and went back to sleep.
a few hours later my dad told me to listen for the door as he was going to pick my mum up. Again, I was still feeling tired (even though it was now 11AM) so I stayed in bed slipping in and out of sleep. When he returned my mum came and asked if I was ok, I guess because I was still in bed. I said “Yes. I’m tired.” and went back to sleep.
My mum was going with my grandad to register my grandmas death today, the autopsy results came back and it seems she had a pulmonary thrombosis. There wasn’t really much anyone could do I guess, apparently they are hard to detect. Anyway, at 1pm she came into my room and again asked if I was ok. I told her again. “Yes, I am tired” and she said goodbye and left. I assume she said something to my dad because within 5 minutes he was upstairs asking if I was ok. Which I again responded with “Yes. I am fine.” I decided I should go downstairs because my dad was going to leave for work soon. Thankfully the parcel had arrived.
So why do I think readers of my blog will be proud? I went to the doctors today, it’s been a while since I last went and this time I decided to be honest with my doctor. I didn’t want to mention the words “bi-polar” but I was going to tell him about my possible manic episode.
When I finally got into see my doctor I already felt panicky and like I was about to burst into tears, I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep my composure but maybe that is a good thing. I first told him about how I had been so happy for a few weeks, waking up feeling motivated, feeling happy and spending money. He talked to me (like I was stupid) and explained what a “hypomanic episode” was. he explained bi-polar to me, he told me he thought I had, had a hypomanic episode. He told me because I hadn’t become sexually promiscuous or worn overtly sexual clothing or become inappropriate with people, he didn’t think I had Bipolar. And then he told me that he thought I should talk to someone else, a specialist. This time he didn’t say the words “referral” I guess he knew it scared me.
He pushed me this time, told me I needed to talk to someone else because he wasn’t sure what else he could do to help. I explained my fears about letters coming to the house with NHS on and upsetting my parents, I told him they didn’t know about any of this and he wrote something down. Which I assume was making a note of that. He then deleted my house number from my profile which was a really important gesture. The surgery still has my mobile number if they need to contact me.
So, sometime in the near future my journey will move forward and I will talk to a professional.
My Citalopram was increased back to 40MG again, which is what I asked for, see. I walked in and I knew from the day and my breakdown there that it is what I needed. I had an awkward moment where I went to the local chemist and spent the 20 minutes I was waiting absolutely terrified someone I knew would walk in and ask why I was there. Luckily I had a prescription for the contraceptive pill and I was going to use it as my excuse.
The problem with my local chemist, and why I tend to not use it. is that the staff know everyone, the person in front of me was there for a good 15 minutes having a chat before I was served. The line was getting longer and longer and I was getting more annoyed and panicky. I paid for my pills and hid in the corner. When I finally got my pills I escaped as fast as possible. The I bought a pizza and the best chocolate I have ever eaten from the grocery store and went home
For anyone interested, the chocolate was a milky bar and cookie chocolate. I have never seen it before, but I think it would be absolutely fantastic melted, anyway. I’m going off of topic.
When my mum had got home I was able to hide the fact I had been out, she told me she was going to call the doctor to get a sick note for work. And then the worst thing happened. she had an appointment. Today, with MY doctor. Who I had just spoken to.
I realise he can’t really say anything to her about me. But I know that if he feels that I am unable to look after myself he will tell her, what if it just comes out? He saw me just 2 hours ago. and now he’s seeing her! She isn’t back yet and I am terrified. I’m holding back on posting this because I want to see what happens when she returns.
The most important thing is that today I made a big step and that is important, it’s terrifying and it’s scaring me but I know its for the best. I just hope that everyone can handle me if I get worse before I get better.
The Elephant in the Room