I Am Not Ready: Part 2

Dear Reader,

Tomorrow is the day of the funeral, a day I have been dreading for some time now.

Of all the people who have died in my life, this is the most affecting. My grandma’s death has really been difficult for me and I think part of it may be the relationship between us. For as long as I can remember I have been close to my mother’s parents. Something that was always a big part of my childhood was visiting my grandparents house on a Sunday. My grandma would always cut a piece of meat off of their Sunday dinner and give it to me. To “test” I was the official meat tester.

Maybe it’s my new found ability to express my feelings, or having an outlet where I feel comfortable expressing them, But, after my granddad and my cousin died I didn’t really talk to anyone about how I felt. I don’t know what has made me want to write about this event so much and I realise I am probably boring people discussing it.

All I know is I am just not ready to say goodbye yet. I keep thinking I am going to see her again, I know that is normal. But, I just have no idea what I am doing right now.

The build up to the funeral has been awkward. Whilst my mother has been directly involved with almost everything. including criticising her siblings for their involvement. I have hid and avoided conversations, just so I don’t have to think about it. Today I stayed at work an hour later to stay away from my house.

When my grandma was in hospital my mum had a month off of work because she was stressed. I get it, But, we were all stressed. Now, I am not going to be the person to criticise her choices and the fact that she got time off. But, I hate the way she talked about everyone else like they were horrible people.

None of us expected this to happen and it would be cliche to say if I knew I’d have been there everyday, anyone would. But it’s not right to live your life that way, and I don’t think my grandma would want us to live that way.

It frustrates me that my mum seems to think she is the only one that is upset, she was just on the phone to my aunt and was getting annoyed because my aunt didn’t know who was going in the second funeral car, because she insists on having the phone on the loudest possible volume, I heard my aunt say she had a headache my mum replies “I’ve had a headache for 3 months!” why does she always have to 1up people?

This week has been hard, it’s been an extreme version of a regular week for me.

I mean, do you know how draining it is to have a fantastic day at work only to come home to a house where people are staring blankly at various screens, virtually ignoring your presence, hardly grunting a hello as you enter?

I have had a good day and I want to talk about it, but no. I am told “SHHHH” because the 24-hour news channel is repeating the same news story it has all day. Not because my mum wants to listen to it. She just doesn’t want to listen to me.

And this isn’t a new thing, this isn’t a “my mums still upset about my grandmother’s death” thing. It is something that has always happened. I remember telling my mum about a book I was reading once, I could see her eyes glaze over. I don’t know why I bother sometimes. I know it’s an autism thing to talk a lot. But I do know when people are purposely not listening to me or getting annoyed. I’m not saying I can always stop talking. But I do get offended. And it’s not just my mum that does it.

It’s strange, Every evening, I sit down, (or lie down) and I think I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I don’t have the energy for tomorrow. Even if I sleep for three days straight I will still be too tired for work.

and then I go to bed, and I go to sleep and when I wake up I don’t want to go to work still. Until maybe an hour before I need to be there, and then there is nothing I want more than to be at work. And I am happy when I am there. Or maybe I am not, maybe being at work is just easier because I am forced to pretend I am happy.

Sometimes I feel that work is the only place I can go where I don’t have to think about my shitty life.

It’s frustrating, so damn frustrating. I can’t talk about anything without being made to feel guilty for making a noise. Today I walk in the house, nobody spoke so I said “hello” I just about got a “hi” back. I walked into the front room to find my brother with his headphones on at his laptop and my mum staring at the TV. I started to talk about the immense pain of my stupid wisdom tooth locking my jaw. my mums response? “I KNOW.” so I stopped talking.

I have no energy for this anymore. I wish I could blame it on my grandmother’s death and her still being upset. But it happened before she died.

But to finish this post I will admit something, I cut myself again. I added a “tiger stripe” to my arm. I am an idiot. I was just so angry and I couldn’t stop myself this time.

I am hoping that on Friday everything will start to get easier.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

29 thoughts on “I Am Not Ready: Part 2

  1. I don’t know if this will help you or not, but it’s something my daughter said the last time we had a bereavement – she was only young at the time. It’s not really goodbye, because you can remember them forever and they’re in your heart too.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. The run up to a funeral is pretty hard, because you don’t know what to expect and everyone trying to put a brave face on things, once the service starts and you listen to friends relatives talking about your gran, it will ease a bit when you see how loved and missed she’ll be.

    I think for you she was a lynchpin a buffer if you will between you and your mum, that will be a difficult gap to fill if ever.

    Work is good as it gives you something to focus on, just doing everyday stuff keeps you going.

    Most importantly it’s alright to grieve, even if you take yourself off to a quiet spot, just to remember or say the things you want in private, perhaps you can take some flowers to a favourite place of hers any gesture, so that it’s yours alone.

    Be thinking of you tomorrow.
    Cay x

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I hope tomorrow goes as well for you as it can. Funerals are hard, and even more so when it’s for someone you love. I can relate so much to your post for the run up to my dad’s funeral. It was like torture, I was dreading it so much that I couldn’t sleep and I was making myself ill with worry and sadness. If anything, the funeral kind of helped me to turn a page. It didn’t make me miss him any less, it didn’t make me happier, but that anxiety and dread lifted enough to help focus on the road ahead.

    It’s such a hard road, I feel for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to lose someone so close to you. When there is a death in the family it causes so much stress for everyone involved. It can get very ugly. It seems it would bring a family together, but a lot of the time it pushes them apart. Hopefully after time passes the tension will lessen.
    I hope that after the funeral you will feel some sort of relief. You will always miss your grandmother and you will never forget the special times you had together. It takes time, it does get easier, but you never stop wishing they were still here! ♥
    Take care of yourself. I hope things get better for you and that your mum will start acknowledging how she is hurting you.
    Hang in there! You can do this.
    Amy 💐

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Keep writing about it–I have to think that writing will help you process this. There are just some people in this world that are more special to us than all the others in our lives. And when they go, it leaves a bigger hole than other losses do. You will have to build your own answers and a new way of living in order to go on without your grandmother. I think sometimes a mistake that us humans make in situations like this is to try and find an equivalent substitute or replacement. But some people are so very special that there is no substitute. All you can do in this instance is seek out healing. It will take as long as it takes.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. I forgot to add one more thing. Please stop being so hard on yourself! I know – it’s easier said than done because I am hard on myself. You don’t see how talented you are as a writer and how brave you are for telling your stories. You help a lot of people more than you will ever know.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. I’m sorry about you loss and the way your mom is acting about it. When my mother passed away we were all upset and hurt that she left us so quickly. My older sister decided to take it upon herself to declare that everyone else didn’t care about her passing. Sadly I think she still feels the same even after three years.

    As far as you cutting yourself…there’s other outlets. While I have never been the one to do it; I think you have a better way to deal with the pain you may feel by writing. Well I hope you get some relief from writing at least.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. You have gone through so much, and you cannot add to your guilt for cutting. We all fall back into coping strategies that are not necessarily healthy when we are trying to keep in control. As others have suggested, keep writing. Whether it is online or in a journal, whether it is one word or 1 000 000! You have a gift and a tool to help you get through this horrible time. You will get through this darkness. Promise.

    Liked by 4 people

  9. Dear E, I am glad that you are finding it easier to express your feelings and also that you are sharing more about your daily life. It is so, so important to be able to vent and I find comfort in this online blogging “family”. Everyone here is super supportive. I have yet to see anyone judge so I think of this as a “safe” place. Keep sharing, keep posting, keep being real. Please don’t judge yourself too harshly…we all have issues and we all need to be kind to ourselves too. (((hugs)))

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Maybe you should stop treating your mom like a mom and treat her just like any other adult. Call her out when she hurts your feelings…

    Look, mom, I know you think you know everything, but instead of responding to my pain with an “I know,” how about offering a little sympathy instead? It’s not that hard, and it’s free.

    Locked jaw from wisdom teeth… that’s some kind of pain, sorry. Try some ice, if you haven’t already.

    Liked by 4 people

  11. OK kid, I read up to the bit about Grandma cutting off a piece of meat for you to “test”. I haven’t read anymore. I don’t need to. What a great memory to have. What a wonderful lady Grandma must have been. I am a grandfather and I have a grand daughter and my wife doesn’t like my daughter so I don’t get to see them as much as I should. I so want to be a good grandfather like your Grandmother was.. Please hold on to all the good memories you have of her.

    Liked by 4 people

  12. I think you’re showing tremendous strength at such a difficult time. The SH relapse does not make you weak – cutting is a coping mechanism that has worked for you before so when things are overwhelming, it makes sense that it would be hard to ignore. These things happen and are a natural part of the recovery process, please do not chastise yourself for it. ❤
    Having someone so special to you pass away is excruciating and the fact that your grandmother seems to be one of the few people in your family who showed you love and care must amplify the feelings of rejection you are getting from the others in your family. This is a big loss and I think the only thing you can do right now is show yourself love and compassion and take things one day at a time. There is no right way to grieve and it is a very personal thing. I know that it is hard and will take time but the love you have for your grandmother can never be taken from you.
    It sounds as though your mother has a need to feel victimised. There could be any number of reasons why she acts the way she does, but in the end, this is her flaw not yours. It is not OK for her to take her issues out on you and your family's inattention is not because you deserve less love, you do deserve more and one day you will find it!
    I'll be thinking of you tomorrow as you attend the funeral. I know that will be hard but you can get through this.
    Remember you are strong, special and worthy of love.
    Aimee xx

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you, your right. Sometimes it’s so much easier to fall back on old habits instead of forming new ones. and your right, and that is a way I have never thought about it before. She does like to feel victimised. and it is her problem. It’s not mine. I guess I just assume everything is my fault and take the blame without realising sometimes.

      Liked by 2 people

  13. Memory is one gift of God that death cannot destroy… you will always have you memories and you will always have your writing and the people you touch with your words.Those are yours to give. Yours to keep. And now your grandmother is your guardian angel, she is watching over you and whenever you think of cutting yourself, think of your Grandmother watching over you, giving you strength… think and believe and let that strength engulf you, fill you up…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, I hope I do touch people with my words, that is important to me. I hate to think my grandma saw me cut myself. but at the time it was what needed to happen. But that is good advice. I’m sure she would be sad if she saw what happened. Maybe that will help me in the future.

      Liked by 2 people

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