I Was Ok!

Dear Reader,

This post has a Trigger Warning, mentions of Self-harm and Suicide.

I don’t know why I thought this time would be different, I guess deep down I am an optimist, no matter how negative I seem vocally. I don’t want to keep blaming Citalopram for this, but this only seems to happen when I increase or decrease this stupid medication. And I guess I don’t really know what to do.

Today has been the worst day for a long time. I keep crying and its so annoying and stupid and it happens when I am at work and that is the worst.

I didn’t leave my house until 12. I started work at 12:30 so already that was cutting it a bit fine, had the bus came at 12:02 like it was supposed to I would have made it to work with a few minutes to spare. Of course, dear reader, this is the life of the Elephant in the room, and no one thing is simple. My bus arrived at 12:07. I knew I would be late so I called work, which made me sadder. and it took a lot of self-control to not burst into tears on the phone.

I was crying on the bus, I kept my head down. I was pretending to cough so people thought my sniffling was to do with a cold. When I got to work 10 minutes late, it was clear I had been crying and when I was asked “Should you be here” I replied “I have nowhere else to go.” I briskly walked off so as not to start crying again. As soon as I hit the staff room I was off, I stood there willing myself to stop crying “stop it, you idiot. Now is not the time!” I was asked if I needed a minute because I still looked like I had been crying. Well, that was it. I cried hysterically. I kept saying “I’m just being stupid.” And that wasn’t the end of my crying. I cried again and again throughout the day and then when it came time for me to leave. I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to leave and it was awkward and I just kind of stood and mumbled and cried and looked like a fool.

I struggled all the way home and even after that. I just couldn’t get out of my head. I kept telling people not to be nice to me. I kept saying it “makes me worse” and it does, when I am upset and people are nice it makes me cry more. But, I guess I also don’t think I deserve it. And that is a horrible thing to realise let alone admit. When I got home I tried to distract my brain. I made a mountain of pancakes.

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these stupid pills zap my brain and my creativity and its horrible. I can’t write, I can’t form sentences. I hate everything I write when I take these pills. I don’t feel my work is good enough, I don’t feel anything is good enough. I feel like a letdown. I let everyone down, my parents, my friends, my blogging community, my work colleagues basically everyone because I am a terrible person and it’s silly of me to really think differently. I am selfish, inherently selfish.

It’s human nature to perform selfish acts. To grieve for the loss of something not because it’s gone, but because “you” won’t be able to have it anymore is selfish.

I don’t grieve for my happiness because I don’t want it. I don’t know if I want to get better. At least this way I know who I am. Well, I thought I knew who I was.

Maybe I want to be everyone’s damaged tragic hero I instill in others a sense of pity and fear. Pity: the feeling of pain one suffers when watching someone else suffer and fear: a sense of panic that one day “you” to could be just like me.

I asked someone to tell me if I was a good person. They kind of laughed it off and told me to stop being silly. I guess you shouldn’t look to others for validation. Not so much validation of who I am. But more validation that I deserve to be here. That I should be alive

But this is what Citalopram does to me. It makes me think this way, it scares me to think that earlier today as I waited for a lorry to back out from behind a store I considered jumping behind it. just before it was able to see me. Before the mirrors could see the back wheels. Imagine that. Killing myself that way. That poor lorry driver, he would never get over that, would people think it was his fault? I would have left no note. Who would have known it was a suicide? Good for me, not so good for him.

At my grandma’s funeral, my cousin and I were talking about one of our other cousins. My cousin mentioned that cousins suicide attempt. He said. “it’s the cowards way out, don’t you think?” I didn’t agree. I couldn’t. How could I tell someone who had just told me that I was the only cousin of his 14 that he would trust to look after his one-year-old son. That I consider suicide often, that I battle with myself frequently when it comes to hurting myself on purpose? I couldn’t tell him that, I changed the subject. I couldn’t argue with him. It’s so hard to change someone when they have that mindset.

Citalopram zaps everything out of me, I mean jeez, it’s taken me almost a week to write this post and it doesn’t say anything. I can’t take these stupid pills anymore. I hate them
Now I’m having this dumb panic attack for no reason. I also seem to have caused some kind of national crisis, well. local crisis. No, not even local. just a crisis amongst my friends because people seem to think I have gone missing and that I am suicidal. I am still breathing. At least I’m at home, at least I’m alive. Let’s just leave it at that right? I don’t need to be ok, just safe.

I haven’t cut myself recently, well, not for a few days. I was proud that I didn’t do it today. And even the last time, it was more of a graze. But the time before that I cut myself, was probably the worst for a long time. It’s not big, but its deep and the pain is ridiculous. I’m having trouble lifting my arm because I cut it and I guess it’s infected. I should rub some Germolene into it or something.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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25 thoughts on “I Was Ok!

  1. I’m sorry you’re having trouble. I feel the same way when I decrease my meds, I’m just physically ill when they increase them. If you have been on Citalopram for a while, it sounds like it is time to change. It is really hard to find the right type of medication or combination. Experimenting takes a long time and enduring the side effects can drive you bonkers. When on Citalopram, I added Bupropion to help with the tiredness and brain fog. It helped. It’s not usually recommended if you have severe anxiety though. I hope you can talk to your doc soon. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think it is time for a change, citalopram has never really been good for me and the 40mg of it is just really horrible. I will had to talk to my doctor. I’m waiting for a referral, so I don’t know whether to just wait for that. Im hoping I will get it soon.

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      • A referral? Oh no, are you Canadian? If it is really bothering you, I would go to a walk-in clinic and get a GP there to wean you off and change it. Do some research on meds too. It makes it easier for the docs if you know what you are willing to try or not try. They don’t always know best, it is trail and error. You know you best.

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  2. ~TW~

    typically, when I’m in a crying fit or having an anxiety attack, the only way I can re-focus is via self-injury. I tell myself, “okay, you can cut/burn/bruise/whatever real quick-like, then you HAVE to get your head on right and get to work” — be “work” schoolwork (like essays and shit), cleaning house, seeing friends, being at my paid work, etc.

    I allow myself a few minutes of self-pity and wallowing, even some physical pain. but then I have to snap out of it. not sure if it’s the physical pain pulling me away or distracting me from the emotional/mental pain, or if it’s a deal I make with myself to give myself a reward in order to promise to get a job done — or hell, maybe it’s both.

    whatever the case, that’s usually the only thing that will really bring me to when I’m spiraling down.

    I don’t know if I want to get better. At least this way I know who I am. Well, I thought I knew who I was.

    get the fuck outta my head. no, seriously. this is where I’m at with so much in my life. I’m comfortable with X — being an alcoholic, being depressed, self-injuring, etc. — because I’ve been here for so long that it’s come to define Who I see myself as. taking that aspect of me away, no matter how negative or destructive it may be, is still taking away a part of who I feel like and believe I am. if I’m not “James the Alcoholic, Depressive semi-Psychopath”, who the fuck am I??

    stay strong, luv. and I guess maybe try to just re-create an entirely NEW you??

    Liked by 2 people

    • Its scary right? To think you would prefer to be “this” way because you don’t know who you are without it. I agree about the self harm though. Sometimes I feel punishing myself will make it better, because when I have punished myself I have told my brain that it is wrong. I don’t know its allll crazy!

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  3. At least the plate of pancakes turned out awesome….. you know, regular people have no earthly idea just how heroic we mentally ill people really are. Every single day a hero. I think they might be the cowards, not us.

    Liked by 2 people

    • The plate of pancakes tasted awesome. Unfortunately, some of them didn’t come out the correct shape when I was using the moulds, but Ill know for next time. Your right, people dont understand how heroic people we are. its hard to live with this everyday.

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  4. I’m on Citalopram too, and I can say that it definitely messes with me when the dosage changes. It’s even bad when I forget to take a pill; my thoughts immediately dwell on killing myself. Although I’m at 40 mg, I still have thoughts. And I think it’s making me more anxious.

    You’re probably going to need to tell whoever is prescribing this for you that you need something different.

    Also, I want to thank you for writing this. It’s honest, and it talks about things that are really helpful to others. Someone who is thinking it’s just them can read what you write and know that he or she isn’t alone. There are probably people out there who have read what you’ve written and decided to get help. You may never know them, but they are there.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s the 40mg that has made me like this unfortunately, it happened last time I went up to 40 as well. I feel it may induce mania in me, which is a little scary but is over my doctors head and he doesnt understand that kind of thing.

      And thank you. All I have ever wanted from this blog is to help people realise they arent alone. There have been times before I began writing, that I thought I was alone. and that always scared me. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I hated citalopram, I was hospitalized when I started taking it as it made me incredibly anxious and suicidal. If it works for you the rest of the time maybe you need to give it more time, but by the sound of it this medication is not suitable for you, it works for some but not for others and it might be time to review your meds and maybe try something else? Whatever happens I hope you feel better very soon

    Liked by 1 person

      • No, the anxiety I experienced on it was horrible; I nearly killed myself and couldn’t shake the desperate urge to do so till it had cleared from my system and the new stuff had started to kick in so if you’re feeling this bad try to avoid getting to that point that I did, I think you can safely say that you gave it every chance but it isn’t improving your life.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m in bed, depressed as fuck, and you made me remember that I’m not alone. You managed to write my feelings better than I ever could. I hope WE feel better soon, because we have a lot to give. I think you’re amazing. Even doing simple things everyone takes for granted is amazing when we feel like this. ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

  7. So much of this sounds familiar to me, partly based on where I am at the moment and partly on where I’ve been in the past.
    It’s horrible to be in a state like this where your emotions are so out of control. Everything feels too much and the more you try to comfort yourself the more pathetic you feel, the more you try to persevere, the harder everything feels.
    You’re being incredibly strong although I know it may not feel that way. I definitely think that if you feel the medication is destabilising you, it would be a good step to make an appointment with your doctor and look at coming off the citalopram to try something new!
    Until then, I hope you’re able to rest. Sleep a lot if you need to, eat junk, watch some funny movies and try and ignore work as much as possible to take some time out for you.
    You do deserve it and you do deserve to be here! ❤
    Aimee xx
    P.S – Your pancakes look awesome! Particularly those kinda thin, crispier looking ones on the bottom! 😀
    I'm now desperately craving pancakes..Come make some for me? 😥 lol 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, your right. Its horrible because I keep telling myself, that I have a illness and its ok to feel like this but then my brain just keeps saying “no. your an idiot.” ugh! its horrible.

      But as for pancakes. I love making pancakes! I will make you some hahaha, I will bring my pancake moulds with me…. heart shape pancakes, mini pancakes, star shape pancakes hahaha

      Liked by 1 person

  8. It’s a sad choice, emotional imbalance or emotional numbness. Makes me want to give up on meds sometimes. I’m glad you haven’t cut yourself recently. As for being selfish, I find the people asking us not to be selfish are usually the ones expecting quite a lot from you with little or nothing in return. I know, I sound selfish too. I wish you strength.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m so sorry that today was so rough for you, but am proud of you for resisting the urge to cut. You are a strong person, stronger than you realize – despite what you’re going through, you take the time to reach out to others and to put together an online newspaper that could be helpful to others going through a bad time. Some people have no idea what a display of courage it can be for others getting up and putting one foot in front of the other. ((hugs))

    Liked by 3 people

      • I know it doesn’t mean much coming from some anonymous person on the interest, but you definitely aren’t that. ❤️

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      • I was just writing about how a streak of bad physical health was affecting my moods. So I understand a little of what you were going through. You didn’t cut. That is the first and foremost thing you must remember. I agree with others. You are strong. You are becoming stronger than the negative feelings and actions. So you cried. I started reacting to my pain – that is something I don’t do because I have it all the time. These are the outlets we need so that we don’t do anything worse. I send you big hugs and am here if you need to “talk”.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. You are grieving therefore eveything will be magnified whilst you process this, added to your mental health status it will be more challenging, saying that cry all you need to.

    Your GP I think needs to change your medication, this particular drug and it’s side affects are debilitating to say the least.

    Most importantly you’ve let no one down and that includes you, you are very much appreciated in our community here, which makes you worthy and not alone, it might be a virtual support network, but it’s support form people who have in varying degrees been what you are going through no judgement just a helping hand.:)

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I can feel your pain, I’ve been there though I don’t know if I’ve been on Citalopram or not, I’ve taken so many. I’ve also subjected myself to cutting and suicidal thoughts and actions, but I can tell you that today, I deal with other emotional problems that I have, the old stuff has not returned (at least as of now).

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