So, I really tried, I made a real effort this time and as usual it just proved to me how fruitless it really is for me to do anything. So why do I bother getting out of bed? Why do I bother going to work, why do I bother to live?
I looked at my phone yesterday morning to see I had missed a call from a number called “no caller ID” that was ominous I am used to 0800 PPI and accident crap phoning me, but I can see their numbers. No caller ID left me a voicemail. So I listened.
Crap. It was the mental health team calling about my referral and I couldn’t call back because I was just leaving the house.
I spent the day shaking, visibly. When I sat to eat with my partner I showed him something on my phone my hand was shaking so much he took the phone off of me to look. I arrived home 6 hours later. I made calling back my priority.
Before I got home I was nervous that they would close before I got a chance to talk to them. it was getting closer to 4:30 and I was getting uncomfortable and feeling this overwhelming need to be at home and in bed. Thankfully I found on the website for the number they left me, that they open 8-8 so when I finally sat down and typed the number in my phone I knew they would at least be open, but then I got an overwhelming feeling of not being ok, I didn’t feel ready. I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing.
I pushed on. I knew I had to call them back. I was scared they would send out a letter and blow my cover so I called. I was put through to a woman who cleared her throat loudly before she began to speak. She asked my birthdate, name and address and then said “someone will call you back tomorrow. Bye”
What the hell was that? I was too shocked to say anything and then she was gone. Why did they tell me to call back? As frustrating as that was I had things I needed to do so I carried on. When I got home that evening I realised if they didn’t call before 11am I would be busy when they called again. So If they don’t call before 10:30am I will call them and this time I’m not having the conversation I had last time.
I need to know what is going on so I can sort it out at work. Tomorrow is my opportunity to do that! I need to know If I have to book days off. My workplace isn’t like a regular one. I’m contracted hours, not days. my shifts change weekly.
So today hit, I woke up at 8AM feeling nervous. I left it for a little while and called the number at 8:50. I got through to another incredibly unhelpful person “The team you need starts work at 9. Call back in 10 minutes” Again, I was annoyed by this. Why can’t anyone give me a straight answer? Why can’t anyone just talk to me?
So I called back at 9:05, this time I was made to listen to some generic lift music whilst I waited. And I assume the same dumb ass I talked to yesterday spoke to me because she waited about 20 seconds before muttering her name. After taking my details and trying to get my home phone number out of me, which has been removed from my details for a reason. She said “Someone will call you back soon” WHAT THE HELL! Now I was really angry, I said “Do you know when because I need to go to work and this is the number they TOLD me to call?” She said: “No, I just pass your details on.”
I am so angry right now, What is the point? why is it so ridiculously hard to get a damn referral, I don’t even know if I want the damn thing anymore. It’s made me really angry, but worse it’s really upset me and made me feel that there really is no point in trying anymore. I thought I was doing something that was going to help me, I thought people wanted to help me, but this just feels like lots of useless idiots have been hired to do things they don’t understand.
Mental health is important, these idiots on the telephone don’t seem to understand that. I realise that they are probably generic illness phone line people, but they also seem to be the crisis team so I won’t be calling them again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I need to go put some money in the bank today, but I don’t feel like going out anymore. I just want to curl up in a corner and die.
I was supposed to meet a friend today who understands and know a lot about my mental health, but there’s stuff going on in her life she hasn’t told me about because she’s worried about me. And that makes me feel terrible. Am I really that bad that people are withholding information from me so as not to upset me further? Do I need to start pretending I am ok again so people don’t treat me like I’m broken?
I know I am not ok. I need this referral now. I don’t want it to come too late. I feel like giving up. And that’s a horrible thing to say.
The Elephant in the Room