What Is The Point?

Dear Reader,

So, I really tried, I made a real effort this time and as usual it just proved to me how fruitless it really is for me to do anything. So why do I bother getting out of bed? Why do I bother going to work, why do I bother to live?

I looked at my phone yesterday morning to see I had missed a call from a number called “no caller ID” that was ominous I am used to 0800 PPI and accident crap phoning me, but I can see their numbers. No caller ID left me a voicemail. So I listened.

Crap. It was the mental health team calling about my referral and I couldn’t call back because I was just leaving the house. 

I spent the day shaking, visibly. When I sat to eat with my partner I showed him something on my phone my hand was shaking so much he took the phone off of me to look. I arrived home 6 hours later. I made calling back my priority.

Before I got home I was nervous that they would close before I got a chance to talk to them. it was getting closer to 4:30 and I was getting uncomfortable and feeling this overwhelming need to be at home and in bed. Thankfully I found on the website for the number they left me, that they open 8-8 so when I finally sat down and typed the number in my phone I knew they would at least be open, but then I got an overwhelming feeling of not being ok, I didn’t feel ready. I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing.

I pushed on. I knew I had to call them back. I was scared they would send out a letter and blow my cover so I called. I was put through to a woman who cleared her throat loudly before she began to speak. She asked my birthdate, name and address and then said “someone will call you back tomorrow. Bye” 

What the hell was that? I was too shocked to say anything and then she was gone. Why did they tell me to call back? As frustrating as that was I had things I needed to do so I carried on. When I got home that evening I realised if they didn’t call before 11am I would be busy when they called again. So If they don’t call before 10:30am I will call them and this time I’m not having the conversation I had last time. 

I need to know what is going on so I can sort it out at work. Tomorrow is my opportunity to do that! I need to know If I have to book days off. My workplace isn’t like a regular one. I’m contracted hours, not days. my shifts change weekly.

So today hit, I woke up at 8AM feeling nervous. I left it for a little while and called the number at 8:50. I got through to another incredibly unhelpful person “The team you need starts work at 9. Call back in 10 minutes” Again, I was annoyed by this. Why can’t anyone give me a straight answer? Why can’t anyone just talk to me?

So I called back at 9:05, this time I was made to listen to some generic lift music whilst I waited. And I assume the same dumb ass I talked to yesterday spoke to me because she waited about 20 seconds before muttering her name. After taking my details and trying to get my home phone number out of me, which has been removed from my details for a reason. She said “Someone will call you back soon” WHAT THE HELL! Now I was really angry, I said “Do you know when because I need to go to work and this is the number they TOLD me to call?” She said: “No, I just pass your details on.”

I am so angry right now, What is the point? why is it so ridiculously hard to get a damn referral, I don’t even know if I want the damn thing anymore. It’s made me really angry, but worse it’s really upset me and made me feel that there really is no point in trying anymore. I thought I was doing something that was going to help me, I thought people wanted to help me, but this just feels like lots of useless idiots have been hired to do things they don’t understand.

Mental health is important, these idiots on the telephone don’t seem to understand that. I realise that they are probably generic illness phone line people, but they also seem to be the crisis team so I won’t be calling them again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I need to go put some money in the bank today, but I don’t feel like going out anymore. I just want to curl up in a corner and die.

I was supposed to meet a friend today who understands and know a lot about my mental health, but there’s stuff going on in her life she hasn’t told me about because she’s worried about me. And that makes me feel terrible. Am I really that bad that people are withholding information from me so as not to upset me further? Do I need to start pretending I am ok again so people don’t treat me like I’m broken?

I know I am not ok. I need this referral now. I don’t want it to come too late. I feel like giving up. And that’s a horrible thing to say.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

17 thoughts on “What Is The Point?

  1. It angers me so much how the system (and society) can treat us this way because we have a mental illness. Would you get treated that way if you had a heart condition? Cancer? Anything else? No. I hope you get this sorted out soon. Please don’t give up. {{{{{hugs}}}}}


  2. Don’t give up. Once you are in the system, you will get the support you need to get through this, you just have to hang in there. Your posts always hit a nerve with me and I’m positive that things will change for you. X

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You most likely spoke to a receptionist who is trained in admin or someone who just answers the phone and inputs data from each call. Patient confidentiality is very strict so they probably didnt have access to anything but the barest of details.
    I expect it will be the therapist themself who will call you back and they might only have small slots of time between clients or on set days of the week to do their admin – such as setting up appointments with new clients like yourself.
    I know how frustrating it is. I am in the system myself and after 2 long ‘assessment’ sessions I got put onto a year long waiting list! So, I really do understand how hard – and important – this is for you. But I thought it might help to see the situation from a different angle. The system sucks from our side of things, but from the other side they have to do things a certain way ((((hugs))))

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I thought I was doing something that was going to help me, I thought people wanted to help me, but this just feels like lots of useless idiots have been hired to do things they don’t understand.

    gah! this is EXACTLY how I felt when I was dealing with a particular rehab center. they kept giving me round-about answers, would cheat you out of money, didn’t file insurance correctly, wouldn’t ever return any of the money until I hounded them repeatedly, etc. I really felt like they were more of a business than a place for help. I mean, I get that they have to make a profit. but it was just a horrid experience.

    and it’s really discouraging for people who struggle to reach out for help when this is the kind of “assistance” we get. dkhfsdgkdsalghsdklaga.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Keep at it you’ve come this far, unfortunately the way the run the system is antiquated, they should understand that most people are terribly anxious when making the initial call, a more professional approach would help as opposed to being treated like a nuisience.

    Also if their is a procedure in place they should tell you, I dislike these types of services and anything medical just makes me belligerent, simply because of the huge effort made by me to call/visit usually after a sleepless night and my mind running riot.

    Good friends can get left behind in the wake of this illness, and I’ve done that clamped the mask on good and tight so they will open up to me, and sometimes it’s easier to focus on someone else other than yourself.

    take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is absolutely the most awkward and difficult part but there is no getting around it. It’s like this here in the States too for mental health depending on what you need from them them. Please don’t give up after getting this far with the referral. After you get it, then you can relax and concentrate on something else. Your friend will wait awhile longer for you so you can finish this thing and then be there for her….


  7. I’ve not read all of your entries… just this one, but I plan on reading them all.
    this sounds like my experience, and I was waiting a whole month before realising that nobody was calling me back. The system is crap. I went elsewhere and found independent help and was in a comfortable and calm room, speaking to someone in a matter of days. I pay for the privilege but my god, I’m so pleased I am because from the first step they’ve made me feel human. Best of luck and stay positive xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I had similar problems a few years back when I was trying to burrow my way into MH services. Some can be trying, but it is often worth the challenge. I used the initial MH team (who were rubbish) to get a referral onto another unit and on it went until I got what I wanted, a therapy programme. I suppose they need to screen their calls through an unhelpful (croaky) call handler otherwise they’d be inundated, but that doesn”t help new referrals like you. Once you get your feet in the door and have a named contact person, it will become easier, but unfortunately it can take a little time. I do hope it will work out for you soon and one of those idiots will call you back at a suitable time

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Hang in there. Easy to say, not so easy to do, but really, just take a deep breath and split your day into 5 minute intervals, All you have to do is get through the next five minutes, and then the next, and then the next. You are not alone, although you undoubtedly feel that way. Truly, truly hang on and persevere, Help is out there, and you deserve it. Demand it.


  10. Keep going and keep pushing. It is easy to say but I really think that we (the people) need to keep on pushing for attention, as others who are supposed to support/ assist can not see what we need..


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