I know some people may be offended by this post, and try to tell me I am wrong to feel this way etc. But I get it, people grieve in their own way. And this is going to be a very defensive post. Because I’m upset, but I am also angry.
It’s mothers day here in the UK, and I have been dreading it. Since my grandmas death my mum has basically cried at everything. And that isn’t what I am angry about because I get it, there is no time frame on grief and I don’t expect her to be over it. But what I do expect is that the sympthy cards and dead flowers have been taken down to be replaced by the mothers day cards my brother and I bought her. instead my mothers day card is next to sympathy cards. And to be honest I dont think its helping for her to see those cards every day.
another thing that i don’t think helps is her drinking, because its when she drinks that she gets upset. and as we all know my parents drink like fish.
The biggest problem we have is that I do not grieve in the same way as my mum.
Talking is not what helps me, if anything It makes me worse. Especially when its repeating the same thing over and over. it makes me angry because it upsets me, and I dont want to be upset.
But today she insisted on repeating OVER and OVER about how my grandad called her as my grandma was dying. “I could hear my dad saying don’t do that” because she was DYING. thats right. in the last hour I have had to relive my grandmothers death three times. Has this helped me? NO, it has not. its made me angry and more depressed and now I am kind of pissed off to be honest.
And clearly its not helping her to repeat the sequence over and over.
I cant even leave the room without looking like a class A twat for walking out whilst shes crying. so I just have to sit and listen to her cry hysterically, inbetween drinking and telling me again about the second my grandma died. I want to go back to bed. When I got home from work at 4 I went to bed, I came downstairs at 6:30pm just after she got home. And to be honest I wish I had stayed in bed.
I know this post is going to be a controversial one. I know people are going to criticise me. because when I have tweeted things about this before I get people telling me to be more sympathetic etc. I am sympathetic, and I do listen to her when she talks about my grandma. But I am grieving to. and I cant grieve because I am being forced to grieve in a way that is not healthy, or helping me.
Yesterday I wanted to drink. I thought I needed alcohol to get me through. I cant be like them! I refuse to be like them!
But please, before you criticise or judge me and this post, and tell me I am being unfair remember. That not only have I lost my grandma, I have lost my mother. My mother the narcissist, has gone one step further. Now the only people that matter (or feel any kind of grief.) are her and my granddad. And now shes no longer here, all that is here is narcissim. And I am unable to grieve for anything. Because I have to satisfy her emotional needs that my dad can’t.
The Elephant in the Room