Grief

Dear Reader,

I know some people may be offended by this post, and try to tell me I am wrong to feel this way etc. But I get it, people grieve in their own way. And this is going to be a very defensive post. Because I’m upset, but I am also angry.

It’s mothers day here in the UK, and I have been dreading it. Since my grandmas death my mum has basically cried at everything. And that isn’t what I am angry about because I get it, there is no time frame on grief and I don’t expect her to be over it. But what I do expect is that the sympthy cards and dead flowers have been taken down to be replaced by the mothers day cards my brother and I bought her. instead my mothers day card is next to sympathy cards. And to be honest I dont think its helping for her to see those cards every day.

another thing that i don’t think helps is her drinking, because its when she drinks that she gets upset. and as we all know my parents drink like fish.

The biggest problem we have is that I do not grieve in the same way as my mum.

Talking is not what helps me, if anything It makes me worse. Especially when its repeating the same thing over and over. it makes me angry because it upsets me, and I dont want to be upset.

But today she insisted on repeating OVER and OVER about how my grandad called her as my grandma was dying. “I could hear my dad saying don’t do that” because she was DYING. thats right. in the last hour I have had to relive my grandmothers death three times. Has this helped me? NO, it has not. its made me angry and more depressed and now I am kind of pissed off to be honest.

And clearly its not helping her to repeat the sequence over and over.

I cant even leave the room without looking like a class A twat for walking out whilst shes crying. so I just have to sit and listen to her cry hysterically, inbetween drinking and telling me again about the second my grandma died. I want to go back to bed. When I got home from work at 4 I went to bed, I came downstairs at 6:30pm just after she got home. And to be honest I wish I had stayed in bed.

I know this post is going to be a controversial one. I know people are going to criticise me. because when I have tweeted things about this before I get people telling me to be more sympathetic etc. I am sympathetic, and I do listen to her when she talks about my grandma. But I am grieving to. and I cant grieve because I am being forced to grieve in a way that is not healthy, or helping me.

Yesterday I wanted to drink. I thought I needed alcohol to get me through. I cant be like them! I refuse to be like them!

But please, before you criticise or judge me and this post, and tell me I am being unfair remember. That not only have I lost my grandma, I have lost my mother. My mother the narcissist, has gone one step further. Now the only people that matter (or feel any kind of grief.) are her and my granddad. And now shes no longer here, all that is here is narcissim. And I am unable to grieve for anything. Because I have to satisfy her emotional needs that my dad can’t.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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22 thoughts on “Grief

  1. Having just read your tweets I can sympathise with your thoughts, it’s unfortunate that one person feel they and only they have the right to grieve, that makes them center stage however coupled with a lack of emotional intelligence makes it difficult for you to have any patience with them.

    Grief is all compassing(it attributed to my second breakdown) I wasn’t prepared for the depth of emotion it generated nor my inabilty to get past it.

    You have your caring side which can only go so far, but you mustn’t forget to take care of you and zone out someone else’s grief(easier said than done), if you can go out for a short walk(I know it’s cold tonight) but it will give you a measure of respite and just be alone for a bit.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You said it yourself you are both grieving and in different ways. You need to do what makes you feel better and then you will be able to support your mum more. Even if it is to walk out the room when she is going over stuff that upsets you. It will take time and it will get easier for both u and ur mum. Ur not alone. Sending hugs. Xxx

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I haven’t seen any criticism in the previous comments and you surely will not get any from me. I never grieved either of my parents, especially my Dad. But I wasn’t able to grieve my beloved paternal grandmother when I was 17 because my mother was “ill” and my grandfather moved in with us so I was looking after both of them and covering for Mom in my Dad’s Pharmacy (as well as working my own shift). Oh, and my parents drank through their grief as well. But this isn’t about me – I just wanted to give some background for my reply to you.

    You need to look after you first and foremost. If you need to grieve privately then just go to your room when you need to – your Mom needs to respect that. Or find someone you can share your grief with other than your immediate family. And let her know that she and your grandfather are NOT the only ones missing your grandmother. Don’t fight with her, but be assertive. You have so much going on in your life right now.

    Yes, we all need to look after our parents/family’s needs, but if we do it to the detriment of ourselves nobody wins. I send you big {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Your grief is just as real, you’re mum needs to find someone else to process hers with. Mother’s day can be a tough old day and I’m just pleased I don’t need to see mine to be reminded of the narcissism

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Perhaps you could say, “I’ll get you some tea.” And leave the room, and not come back for a long while. She self-absorbed enough not to notice, and if you leave the house, you could get a break, at least. The best thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I don’t think you’re being insensitive. I mean, a) this is a hard time for you too and you’re allowed to have feelings of your own and b) everybody grieves differently and there’s no right or wrong way to do it, but some ways, like drinking your way through grief will probably make a person feel worse. After my dad died suddenly almost 8 years ago, I was charged with caring for my mom (I’d moved out of the house by then and nobody asked me, they just assumed I would do it, so I did and it was a nightmare). My mom decided that her grief superseded everyone else’s and she actually said to me, “You and your sister will find husbands of your own one day, but I’ll never have your dad back.” Um. Yeah. Mom, you’re a late-middle-aged woman who has 2 living parents. They live a block away from you and you see them every day. I’ll only ever have one dad and he was taken from me when I was 19.

    She also started dating like less than a year after we lost my dad with plans to get remarried. She’s been with her boyfriend for over 6 years. ~8 years later and both her parents are still alive at 89 and 92. Not once, in the summer I moved home to help take care of her (she’s a diabetic) did she ask me how I was doing or if I needed a shoulder to cry on. She did, however, repeatedly ask 19 year-old me why such a terrible thing was happening to our family. How the fuck was I supposed to know? People die, it wasn’t my idea, but it is my reality. It was pretty selfish of her to compare her pain to mine or any of our relatives and it put a massive dent in our already shaky relationship. We were all hurting. It’s not about who’s hurting more.

    So, sorry for the long-winded rant, but my point is: I feel ya. Sometimes the people who are supposed to guide and support you are weak and selfish; they’re human and their faults come out full force when they’re grieving. I hope you get through this with minimal scarring, but I think your decision to “not be like them” is a really great start. Sending my warm fuzzies at’cha. -LB

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Some people just make rubbish parents, I know this is also a controversial opinion but it’s true; some people are crap as parents and will probably never be much better. You have every right to be upset, you’ve been robbed of a mother and it sucks. If you are ever going to get along with her you will probably have to redraw the lines in your relationship and hold extremely low expectations. I’m sorry you have to deal with this dysfunctional parade of grief, I couldn’t stand to stay so you’re stronger than I am! All the best 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I kind of think like the rest of the individuals here. We all grieve in our own ways. There is nothing wrong with how you feel or express yourself. Perhaps, the best thing is just giving your mum space and let it be. We all know that we can not fix what is not ready to fixed.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. There is nothing wrong with how you feel. You need time to grieve and having to deal with that on a constant basis doesn’t make it any easier. As hard as it is just keep focusing on yourself its not being selfish. If you don’t focus on your needs then you will be brought down. Alcohol and grief never end well. I wish you luck I don’t think you are being unsympathetic at all.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Grief is individual, you do not have to grieve like your mother. Alcohol is a depressant, and maybe your mum is using it to keep her sorrow alive. Some people like to be defined by their sorrows or are afraid of letting the sorrow go, whatever the reason you have the right to honour the memory of your grandmother in your own way. Hugs, I still miss my grandmother and she died twenty years ago.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I think maybe your mum could do with some grief counselling. It can really help I gather for some people. However getting her to admit she needs that help and to actually go and have it might be hard. You could ask our GP about it.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Hello! Pleased to meet you!!! I had the same experience in my childhood and felt the same way… Later I got that we are different and that’s okey! Does your mom have a job? She should visit psychologist or start doing what she likes. You too. You should let go and need some help to reflect emotions(may start to paint). She must find a path a new life and new happiness and forgive herself. We’ll all die but may be continue our path in new life. Every person is responsible for his own life. not the others! I wish you to become happy soon! Everything will be fine! Everyday find small happy things, events like good weather, tasty food, meeting with your friend and advice your mom the same. You can’t imagine how fast your life will change! Good luck, dear!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I get what you are saying and I don’t think your a twat for doing what you did. Death is a natural part of life and though most of us are in denial we all will have a day when it is our time to go, the denial is what makes it so hard for people when someone they love dies, you know we live our lives day to day and most times we really don’t stop to think hmm this could be my last day. Its ironic but death is what makes life valuable i think your mom needs counseling though that’s really not healthy.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Just found your blog after you liked my first post. I really hope things get better for you. It sounds a useless comment, but I mean it.
    Try to grieve as you need to, be strong and take care.
    Thank you for liking my post, I didn’t realise there were others out there blogging for similar reasons!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Grief is such a personal and internal thing, no one has the right to tell you how to do it “correctly”. Your mom is in, what seems to me, to be the “wallowing” stage. She needs someone (someone who is not also grieving over this so they can be her rock without having to give up their own time of grief) who can guide her around the wallows & into the next space, where she can start to heal. Death of any sort us such a shock, it can trap you into an endless loop of reliving those most shocking moments, hoping to somehow make sense of them.

    But they never make sense.
    You deserve to have your own grief. Take time for yourself too, everyday. And I hope your mom will be able to get into a healthier space soon. (Virtual hugs)

    Like

  16. Even if it is to walk out the room when she is going over stuff that upsets you. It will take time and it will get easier for both u and ur mum. Ur not alone…..I love this above quote that I took from someone’s comment to you. You walking out of the room is NOT being insensitive. It’s called healthy boundary lines. Many of us have pushed our own emotions, feelings, frustrations, anger, etc, down to help those around us while causing great detriment to our own personal space…mind, body and spirit.I’m going to be 51, just two years ago I FINALLY drew healthy boundary lines with my mother…I’m NOT a bad daughter because I don’t do things that she wants (that are not healthy for her nor for me to participate in…)I”m so thankful for all the positive affirmations you have received here..your young and you don’t have to wait till your in your 50’s to no longer accept unhealthy expectations on yourself from others…♥

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  17. Hi beautiful elephant, I’m glad that you found my post and linked me to you. You’re brave for writing this. A wise person, actually it was the Al-Anon booklet, told me that the best way to help someone with addictions is not to buy into their patterns and needs but to find the support you need. (Al-anon is a good one). Grief is a hard and takes it’s time. It’s good that you’re writing it down and working through it. Take care, Jeni

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  18. At some point it would be nice if you could honestly tell her that you felt sad she couldn’t enjoy her mother’s day. And then just do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you are able and I know it will be very very difficult, alanon would be a good idea for you. It also helps w/ depression and other things, learning to take care of YOURself (our selves, because I need it too – bleah I don’t want to but I need to)

    Like

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