After the pure frustration that was brought about by trying to get in contact with whoever had called me about my referral, I got tired of waiting for a call back on Friday and called them again.
This time the girl that answered was incredibly apologetic. “I’m sorry nobody has called you back.” she said, which shocked me. Then she asked if she could put me on hold to see if she could get someone to talk to me. Low and behold after being put on hold I was told the person was out of the office until Monday. I mean of course they were! My life is never simple.
She promised I would get a call back on Monday, she asked me what time would be best, put on the spot I said something stupid like 2pm. And I instantly regretted that.
Well anyway, it cheered me up not having to wait in my bedroom with a notepad and pen at my side ready for the phone call, it meant I could actually do things like move around my house and make breakfast.
As usual, I was far too optimistic, or maybe I just trust people too easily. But I became nervous about it anyway, I don’t know what to say, don’t know who’s going to listen in. I am terrified I will get a call just as someone decides they have to come into my room and talk to me.
As 2pm got closer and closer I was getting less able to concentrate, I was trying to watch Netflix but I couldn’t. Then I tried to read and couldn’t, I tried to write and couldn’t do that either.
its 3:15pm now, There are only 2 more hours in which I can be called and I was hoping it would be over by now. It’s making me panicky. and I want to have a shower. I feel weird. but I can’t because they will call if I do that. ugh I hate this
So it got to 4:30pm. And I am sick of waiting, it’s ruining my day. I can’t do anything, I don’t have anything planned but it’s frustrating because all I have done is sit next to my phone and notepad since 9am. That’s not fair!
so I called. and guess what this guy isn’t in AGAIN! I’m beginning to think the guy doesn’t exist if I am honest. Apparently now I will get a callback tomorrow at 3:30pm. Seriously I am going to be very annoyed if that doesn’t happen. I finish work at 2:30. I’m going to have to RUN home and we have some idiots turning off our gas tomorrow to fix some pipes in the street, which is making me anxious. This is all frustratingly inconvenient.
This is not helping my anxiety and it is not helping my Aspergers. Do they expect me to not have a job and just sit and wait my entire life for a phone call? why should I be made to feel inconvenient for working?
So here are my fears about what is going to happen when I finally have to talk to someone. Firstly, I think I have a form of Adult ADHD (without the hyperactivity.) And quite possibly bipolar 2. I am terrified that I will get there and be assessed and be told that I either have to have blood tests and then get told it’s because I have something wrong my blood or I have an underactive thyroid and they tell me that everything I have thought was wrong with me was easily curable by taking some iron or something. This has to be more than an iron or a vitamin deficiency. Or maybe they will tell me I have borderline personality disorder…. And I am not sure I would be ok with that diagnosis. I have researched these medical conditions a lot. And that doesn’t sound right. I know how I have very rapid mood swings sometimes, but still.
So why do I think this way, well I did some test on the internet, yes. I know not a good way of diagnosing things. But, I think they are useful. prior to my autism testing, I did a test on both autism and Asperger’s and found that I was more likely on Asperger’s scale, and I was correct, on the back of my aspergers assessment it says If I feel I had ADHD or a depressive illness to contact my doctor, well I did. I am not going to post the links to the test here because I don’t think they are useful for everyone, I think sometimes they can cause more harm than good, what I will do is post my results.
So. The results of my Borderline Personality Disorder were: 19. The score scale for borderline personality disorder is:
0 – 14: Unlikely
15 – 19: Possible
20 – 32: Likely
33 & up: Severe
So as we can see I am on the end of the “possible” part of the scale. debatably into the “likely” category. When I completed a “bipolar” test on the same site I scored 47. The scale for Bipolar is
0 – 9: No disorder likely
10 – 15: Possible Depressive Disorder
16 – 24: Either Bipolar II or Depressive Disorder
25 – 35: Bipolar Disorder Likely
36 – 50: Bipolar Disorder – Moderate to Severe Symptoms
51 & Up: Bipolar Disorder – Serious Symptoms
So, as we can see I am on the high end of the “moderate to severe” symptoms for bipolar. Then I took the ADHD test and my score was 37 The scale for ADHD is
0 – 11: No ADHD Symptoms
12 – 18: ADHD Symptoms
19 – 25: ADHD Possible
26 – 33: Moderate ADHD
34 & up: Adult ADHD
Which is over the “adult ADHD” category, I realise these tests are not completely accurate, I realise that they shouldn’t be used as a diagnostic tool. But, I think they were useful for me because I can’t explain certain things very well, usually when it comes to explaining how I struggle to complete projects sometimes, or how I struggle to stay in the area I have been placed in at work, or how I talk nonstop and people ignore me because I don’t shut up. And how my sometimes my moods shift, but I have definite shifts and have days where I am great and days where I am not.
Anyway, we will have to wait and see what happens.
The Elephant in the Room