Trigger Warning: Brief Self Harm Mention
So, it’s been a bit of a weird week and the only way to really describe it is “mentally uncomfortable” I know that sounds odd, but I really can’t describe the way I feel at the moment.
I had been calling the referral people every day after their initial phone call and every day they said to me “I will get someone to call you tomorrow” And every time no phone call. To be honest, it was starting to annoy me. I was getting upset and frustrated. Before I let my doctor refer me, I was struggling with the idea because I felt like it meant he was giving up on me and that made me feel really sad. When I finally took that leap and let him put the referral letter in I was nervous but I had come around to the idea and felt a little less hopeless. But now I feel just as hopeless as before and maybe a little bit more.
It’s absolutely crazy to think that they are letting a patient with anxiety problems wait like this, a patient with Aspergers wait for this. In fact, any patient should not have to experience this because it’s so draining and off-putting and it makes me feel worthless and like I have been given up on before I have even started.
So I’m sure its a mixture of things but this week my mood has been all over the place. Tuesday I was very down, I went to work and I spent the shift mostly stopping myself from crying. And then I went home and I cut myself because I was so angry. Tuesday was the day I was promised I would get a call after 3:30. A call that didn’t happen. So I frantically cleaned my house, the whole time mumbling to myself about how I am clearly not important and how I am stupid and I am letting these people walk all over me. I made myself so angry that the only way I could calm down was to cut myself and that really made me angry because it made me feel stupid. I don’t even know why I did it.
Wednesday hit and I went to work again, this time I was on a weird roller coaster, I didn’t talk much to be honest I spent too much time in my head and when I got home I was worse, I was completely in my head. Thursday I was even worse, I didn’t get out of bed until just before I left for work and I think my parents noticed. they kept asking if I was ok which annoyed me. I was pretty down most of the day bounced back towards the end of my work shift and then crashed again when I got home. Today, I started having these weird panic attacks. not panic attacks like I am used to when I feel sick or scared. I felt weird, I felt mentally uncomfortable and that is the only way to describe it.
And they are still happening now, I just don’t feel right and I can’t explain why. I hate it, I need them to stop. I have been begging myself to stop panicking all day and it’s not happening. I just feel so uncomfortable. Like my heart is beating too fast and I feel dizzy but not dizzy and I am not explaining this very well.
Tomorrow is my day off, I am not wasting it by calling the referral people again, and staring at my phone again, I am not doing anything. I think I might just stay in bed. I don’t really feel like doing anything.
Today I experienced something weird, I put on the “mask”, I put it on because I feel like I bring everyone down and I have been trying my best to not do that anymore. So I was pretending I was ok, then my friend got some bad news and my jokes became redundant. There was no point in joking with someone who was upset so I didn’t. But the mask is fuelled by comedy, and without it, the mask started to fall. And fall it did because on the way home the mask dropped entirely and I started to feel depressed again.
Now I am home, alone, well, not really alone. my brother and his girlfriend are in his room. hiding away as usual. and I am sitting here, downstairs, alone and depressed. It’s not the being alone that upsets me. What upsets me is that I feel like they don’t want to spend time with me and that’s hard, my brother and I are close, or at least I thought we were. Maybe we aren’t. No one wants to spend time with me and that makes me feel utterly terrible. I’m stuck with my brain feeling uncomfortable and even my cat is happier sleeping in a different room.
Maybe I should just go to bed. I mean, what exactly am I doing with my life? I’m just waiting for something that’s never going to happen. A new job? a new life? I don’t know what I want. The only thing keeping me same is looking forward to my holiday. Which is in June. And then when that’s done, I will be looking forward to Christmas. Although I doubt Christmas will ever be the same again now my grandma has passed away. And I don’t think I am ready to lose one of the two most important events in my calendar. After all, my holiday won’t be the same this year because my brother won’t be there. So maybe I have already lost those two events. And when they do happen and they both inevitably let me down. I am not sure how I will react or what I will do. I am just not ready for this level of change especially when I don’t even know what to do with my life anymore.
The Elephant in the Room