Mental Discomfort

Trigger Warning: Brief Self Harm Mention

Dear Reader,

So, it’s been a bit of a weird week and the only way to really describe it is “mentally uncomfortable” I know that sounds odd, but I really can’t describe the way I feel at the moment.

I had been calling the referral people every day after their initial phone call and every day they said to me “I will get someone to call you tomorrow” And every time no phone call. To be honest, it was starting to annoy me. I was getting upset and frustrated. Before I let my doctor refer me, I was struggling with the idea because I felt like it meant he was giving up on me and that made me feel really sad. When I finally took that leap and let him put the referral letter in I was nervous but I had come around to the idea and felt a little less hopeless. But now I feel just as hopeless as before and maybe a little bit more.

It’s absolutely crazy to think that they are letting a patient with anxiety problems wait like this, a patient with Aspergers wait for this. In fact, any patient should not have to experience this because it’s so draining and off-putting and it makes me feel worthless and like I have been given up on before I have even started.

So I’m sure its a mixture of things but this week my mood has been all over the place. Tuesday I was very down, I went to work and I spent the shift mostly stopping myself from crying. And then I went home and I cut myself because I was so angry. Tuesday was the day I was promised I would get a call after 3:30. A call that didn’t happen. So I frantically cleaned my house, the whole time mumbling to myself about how I am clearly not important and how I am stupid and I am letting these people walk all over me. I made myself so angry that the only way I could calm down was to cut myself and that really made me angry because it made me feel stupid. I don’t even know why I did it.

Wednesday hit and I went to work again, this time I was on a weird roller coaster, I didn’t talk much to be honest I spent too much time in my head and when I got home I was worse, I was completely in my head. Thursday I was even worse, I didn’t get out of bed until just before I left for work and I think my parents noticed. they kept asking if I was ok which annoyed me. I was pretty down most of the day bounced back towards the end of my work shift and then crashed again when I got home. Today, I started having these weird panic attacks. not panic attacks like I am used to when I feel sick or scared. I felt weird, I felt mentally uncomfortable and that is the only way to describe it.

And they are still happening now, I just don’t feel right and I can’t explain why. I hate it, I need them to stop. I have been begging myself to stop panicking all day and it’s not happening. I just feel so uncomfortable. Like my heart is beating too fast and I feel dizzy but not dizzy and I am not explaining this very well.

Tomorrow is my day off, I am not wasting it by calling the referral people again, and staring at my phone again, I am not doing anything. I think I might just stay in bed. I don’t really feel like doing anything.

Today I experienced something weird, I put on the “mask”, I put it on because I feel like I bring everyone down and I have been trying my best to not do that anymore. So I was pretending I was ok, then my friend got some bad news and my jokes became redundant. There was no point in joking with someone who was upset so I didn’t. But the mask is fuelled by comedy, and without it, the mask started to fall. And fall it did because on the way home the mask dropped entirely and I started to feel depressed again.

Now I am home, alone, well, not really alone. my brother and his girlfriend are in his room. hiding away as usual. and I am sitting here, downstairs, alone and depressed. It’s not the being alone that upsets me. What upsets me is that I feel like they don’t want to spend time with me and that’s hard, my brother and I are close, or at least I thought we were. Maybe we aren’t. No one wants to spend time with me and that makes me feel utterly terrible. I’m stuck with my brain feeling uncomfortable and even my cat is happier sleeping in a different room.

Maybe I should just go to bed. I mean, what exactly am I doing with my life? I’m just waiting for something that’s never going to happen. A new job? a new life? I don’t know what I want. The only thing keeping me same is looking forward to my holiday. Which is in June. And then when that’s done, I will be looking forward to Christmas. Although I doubt Christmas will ever be the same again now my grandma has passed away. And I don’t think I am ready to lose one of the two most important events in my calendar. After all, my holiday won’t be the same this year because my brother won’t be there. So maybe I have already lost those two events. And when they do happen and they both inevitably let me down. I am not sure how I will react or what I will do. I am just not ready for this level of change especially when I don’t even know what to do with my life anymore.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room


23 thoughts on “Mental Discomfort

  1. Keeping up on our medical care can be frustrating. Especially in the healthcare system we have today but, self-care is critical to our well-being. Be sure to take time for yourself through all of these changes. I wish you well.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I don’t think organisations and admin teams realise the amount of stress they cause when they don’t return calls, and it seems like they ignore us. I’ve just gone through exactly the same thing recently and it made me feel quite honestly, like shit. I felt isolated and worthless and it makes you worry and do stupid things, but all this gets forgotten. You’re not alone, there’s so many of us having to sit and wait for that damn phone to ring, and the best thing we can do is try and look after ourselves the best we can. If that means staying in bed all day, then so be it, as long as you’re not hurting yourself.
    I’m sorry you’re feeling so low. Make sure you look after your cut and do something to make yourself feel better. Stay strong and sending thoughts your way.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you, I think you are right. these people (especially when they only talk to you on the phone) have a guard between you and them. To them you are just a number. Which is horrible… this is peoples health we are talking about. But unfortunately, its just not taken as something important.

      Liked by 3 people

  3. So sorry to hear about the crappy system you deal with. Societies mostly don’t take repsonsibility for their peoples’ needs: instead they set budgets and stubbornly pretend they’re adequate. So much easier than taking real, honest to goodness responsibility! Then they tell those ill-served they need to start taking responsibility… Please don’t give up. Don’t give the crapsters the satisfaction! – Greg

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I cannot stress enough the importance of returning call especially to patients that have anxiety/depression to name two, I’m shocked actually that you have been calling all week and waiting, which in turn has exacerbated your symptoms to the point where you have self harmed.

    Can you not go to your doctor to see if they can intervene and chase this up, I don’t even know what else to say, beyond you are worthy, you are trying to get the support you need, you can’t do much more, it’s up to them now, and they can start by returning your call.

    take care x


  5. I’m sorry the referral is taking so long!! I would be staring at the phone, too.

    If your brother is spending time with a gf, it might be he’s in that infatuation phase where the rest of the world fades…. Crappy for you, but at least it wouldn’t be personal toward you. Gotta love the infatuation phase.

    I hope things start to pull together for you. I hope you get your call soon.


  6. I’ve been struggling for a few weeks now with the negativity that is all around me (and more so with the thought patterns of how I am dealing with all the negativity that is around me). I have to keep reminding myself not to hurt myself, to be gentle with myself….((hugs))


  7. I would love to have a cuppa with u all day and just let u chat away or just let the world go by. Been feeling rather down myself, then something magical happened. I started my private journal. (I have several but anyone can look at them.) It was really difficult to start with but I started small and then wrote things down and its kinda helped me. I hope it helps and the medical system is rubbish. Writers talk to one another, your not on ur own. Xx


  8. The most important person who is reliant on you is you. To expect others to hold your well being in the same light is expecting too much. We ourselves must push to be heard or be spoken to. I know it is effort but you need to call to be listened to. Systems are far from perfect. We need to remind them that we are a part of it. When we need it most we seem to be neglected and we feel it worst. Don’t take it personally. They are overloaded. But you still unfortunately need to call be be heard. Good luck.


  9. Reblogged this on Frogbulls and commented:
    Getting out of your own head is the hardest thing to do. I might be telling you things you already know, but it helps me to mentally describe the space I’m in with words. Anxiety is always hard to control and a lot of us struggle with it, and I’ve found the best thing to do is keep reminding myself that it’ll pass, and I can get on with my life. I hope you manage to find some peace with yourself.


  10. Hey there ! I just read your blog for the very first time, I saw that you checked mine out so I came and checked yours out. I was first and foremost shocked at you’re brutal honesty, so much that I am impressed with you as a person. You are awesome for sharing things so deep and raw. Most people are afraid of getting that real. All I can offer at this point is to keep fighting and start to know your whole worth. No matter what outside influence’s will never fill us all the way up, speaking of your brother and his GF, Inside is where you need to be ok with sitting alone. I know its hard, I have been there where you feel awful being alone but only when you are actually ok with that, is when growth can really begin ! I am in your corner and will be routing for you ! you can do this elephant 😉 have an awesome day, if you read this message, try and do something really nice for another person today, a co-worker or a friend and watch how that makes you feel better, and remember smiling for 16 seconds actually brings thoughts into physical form, i promise you truly can smile your self into feeling better… its true i did it ! you can too !!!!


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