Now What’s Wrong With Me?

Dear Reader,

So, I’ve been struggling to get this out. To be honest I’m still struggling now and I feel like I am talking nonsense. or I don’t know. But I read this post over at Walking After Midnight and it made me realise that sometimes It’s ok to just say something, even if you don’t really understand it.

I have had the weirdest 5 days. I have not been myself and whilst I feel its not the first time I have felt this way. It’s been strange for me because this time I have taken much more notice of my sudden behavioural change. 

So Wednesday night I had this sudden urge to complete all of the goals in Temple Run 2. It was 11pm when I started and I usually fall asleep about 11:30PM, so I didn’t think I would get far. I was enjoying myself and the next time I looked at the time it was 12:45. I was shocked, but, I wasn’t tired so I carried on playing. Then it was 1:30 and I decided I had to sleep because I had to work the next day. Unfortunately my body disagreed and I tossed and turned for a good hour, it was after 2am when I finally drifted off. 

I woke up at 9am and felt great. Which is odd because usually I wake up at 10:30 and feel like crap and usually I still feel tired and sometimes I even go back to sleep. So at 9am I was up and back at Temple Run 2 completing more goals.

I left for work early and began walking, I live about 40 minutes away from work (by bus) So walking, it’s over an hour. I got 4 stops ahead of where I get the bus from when it arrived. So I got on and continued my journey.

So I was feeling really good! I got to work and processed a delivery (which would take maybe 2 hours usually) But I was moving “superfast” and processed it in 45 minutes. It was remarked that I was “acting weird” and to be honest I didn’t really feel right. But I felt great so it was ok. I didn’t feel like I was moving fast enough. But I was speaking faster than my brain understood and for a few minutes I couldn’t talk at all because my words were coming out jumbled. and I couldn’t speak without stuttering or making weird noises.

I didn’t really slow down as the day went on. I spent all of my money on a very elaborate pizza idea, which worked to my surprise. I talked “at” my brother most of the night, Then I went to bed at 11 and played Temple Run more. Again it was 1:30 when I checked the time again. and  again I opted for sleep but I wasn’t tired and it was past 2:30 when I finally dropped off.

When I woke the next day at 9. I was up and out of bed straight away. I still felt great. It was my day off, so I wanted to make the most of it. I tidied my bedroom. I swept the floor and then I tidied the front room and then I swept that. And then the conservatory and swept that and then the kitchen which I cleaned, swept, mopped and cleaned the surfaces. Then I made pancakes and struggled to write anything about how I felt. I couldn’t get my feeling or ideas out and I kept starting new posts that were gradually worse and worse. I couldn’t concentrate on writing, I couldn’t concentrate on anything.

I couldn’t sleep Friday night. And I was woken up at 8:30 by a phone call from work asking me to work 9:30 – 6 I said yes without thinking, quickly got dressed and ran to work. I was still feeling great and very energetic. I was running around helping customers, making jokes and being levels of endearing I didn’t know I had. Far from the usual depressed hardly speaking version of me people are used to.

My energy levels were through the roof on Saturday I felt like I was losing control at one point because I had so much energy and no idea what to do with it. It was hard because as great as I felt, I wasn’t happy and I was feeling weird. I messed up a lot at work because my brain was moving faster than my hands. But I also fixed a broken printer for the cash register. Which made me feel great, I kept commenting on how they would have been screwed if I wasn’t there as I had fixed it and they needed it as we were so busy.

When I got home the internet wasn’t working and I went absolutely crazy. I got so angry I was yelling and hitting things my mum told me to calm down which didn’t help. I was getting overly angry, I could feel the anger and it was driving me crazy. I just wanted to punch something. The more my mum spoke the more I wanted to tell her to shut the hell up. So I just went to bed angry. 

Today I woke up depressed and lethargic, back to how I used to feel. As much as I loved feeling great I hated it all as well. It didn’t feel right. I was scared of myself. I’m not sure what happened. no medication change, no environment or stress changes. I don’t know what caused it. I guess, in theory, this could have been a manic episode. This appointment on May 20th can’t come soon enough.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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19 thoughts on “Now What’s Wrong With Me?

  1. Very well documented!! If this were happening to me, I admit I would also worry that it was proof that I had bi-polar. But worrying about something being so… doesn’t make it so. Just keep documenting so you will be ready for your appointment.

    My real thought on this is to remember that your body, thoughts, and emotions may still be dealing with and healing from the death of your grandmother and also, the incredible stress your referral put you through!! That was a very, very difficult time and just because you now have your appointment and no longer have the worries that the constant phone calls and tug of war brought on, doesn’t mean you are suddenly going to be all relieved and cool about it. It was a serious trial that you went through and it lasted a long time. Let yourself heal from it. I don’t think this episode coming on the heels of the referral fiasco is a coincidence.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Why appointments must be so far away from when we need help most? It took me 4 months to see the psychiatrist only to tell me I am normal. Which in a sense is a relieve, now I am going to CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) and already discovered that the more people are telling me not to feel (in this case: be angry) the more I feel the opposite. It is not because I do not love them that I get more and more angry it is because all I really want them to be quiet so I can feel my anger and try to get over it. I have made one change in the past months (was that EVER difficult) and that is to not play games or look at my electronic devices after 9:30 PM. It is an action I took after reading about bright screens and melatonin.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I will be starting DBT, or CBT I don’t know. But soon. I was under the impression they just help you choose to respond in a way you prefer, rather than to lose it and do things we wish we hadn’t. I don’t think they tell you how to feel – I hope not!! I guess I will find out lol

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      • Hey kbailey374 – CBT is actually not telling you how to feel. One of the first things the leader told is that feelings are what they are, how we feel. It was a big relief that this was explained. As explained in my blog the leader informed us that actions are the first thing we can change. Small steps forward is also what she explained, I like it so far.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I am glad about this, one thing I learned through many years of counselling I found that as soon as I give up I feel like giving up on myself. That makes me feel bad and the only action I know is to eat (seek comfort). Now that I am in this class I learn different ways, feels refreshing

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  3. I was once diagnosed with Bipolar but as it turned out it was anxiety leading to depression. Anxiety Disorder is doubt/negative thinking, worry/impatience and fear/self perpetuation. A horrifying battle in the conscious awareness, to undo the terrifying uncertainty; with counteracting rationalization of assurance of success-according to the will…in order to achieve peace of mind. I never found certainty, yet I never conceded defeat! So_ Don’t Give In_ to the confusion in your thoughts; no matter how exhausting. Fight it to the end armed with God’s enabling empowerment!!!

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  4. Yes it does sound a bit like a hypomanic episode and it’s good that it leveled out, not that depression is fun (I am more comfortable w/ depression myself; mania scares me)

    I am so glad you responded to my blog and wrote this – and it is so clear and well written – might even want to bring a copy to therapy to help you remember.

    I am always glad to hear from you (blogs)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It so strange that I decided to click on this post, because the same thing happened to me yesterday, I woke up in an amazing mood at 7:00am, went to work early trying not to dance on the bus, I organised plans to go out today, talked to the customers super cheerily and at times couldn’t slow my words down, I even joined a conga line with my colleagues (we were raising money for charity, but where did my social anxiety go?). I thought I was just getting better, but this morning I woke up feeling my old depressed self, struggled to go out and have slept the rest of the day.
    I guess it sounds like a manic episode, keep a note of this happening and make sure to tell anyone about what’s going on, but don’t stress over it too much or convince yourself that you’ve got another mental illness xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Self awareness is an incredible feeling, and you have documented your episode very well, I think the highs are just as scary as the lows, when your mind goes into overdrive then crashes, there is no inbetween.

    I would agree that you still dealing with the death of your grandmother and subsequent problems at home, the referral debacle was the cherry on top, that you didn’t need..

    It’s good to document your moods, this will give a clearer picture hopefully for diagnoses and what therapy you’ll recieve going forwards.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’ve been going through something similar (as far as going back and forth between feeling super depressed and super energetic, getting stuff done, etc.), has me wondering about that sort of thing too. That’s such a long time to wait to begin to get the answers you need.

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  8. A thought – I have no idea how old you are, but it might be useful to chart not only episodes like this, but also where you are in your hormone cycle. Hormones do funny things to people, and you might see a pattern emerge that you can then plan for….Hugs.

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