So, I’ve been struggling to get this out. To be honest I’m still struggling now and I feel like I am talking nonsense. or I don’t know. But I read this post over at Walking After Midnight and it made me realise that sometimes It’s ok to just say something, even if you don’t really understand it.
I have had the weirdest 5 days. I have not been myself and whilst I feel its not the first time I have felt this way. It’s been strange for me because this time I have taken much more notice of my sudden behavioural change.
So Wednesday night I had this sudden urge to complete all of the goals in Temple Run 2. It was 11pm when I started and I usually fall asleep about 11:30PM, so I didn’t think I would get far. I was enjoying myself and the next time I looked at the time it was 12:45. I was shocked, but, I wasn’t tired so I carried on playing. Then it was 1:30 and I decided I had to sleep because I had to work the next day. Unfortunately my body disagreed and I tossed and turned for a good hour, it was after 2am when I finally drifted off.
I woke up at 9am and felt great. Which is odd because usually I wake up at 10:30 and feel like crap and usually I still feel tired and sometimes I even go back to sleep. So at 9am I was up and back at Temple Run 2 completing more goals.
I left for work early and began walking, I live about 40 minutes away from work (by bus) So walking, it’s over an hour. I got 4 stops ahead of where I get the bus from when it arrived. So I got on and continued my journey.
So I was feeling really good! I got to work and processed a delivery (which would take maybe 2 hours usually) But I was moving “superfast” and processed it in 45 minutes. It was remarked that I was “acting weird” and to be honest I didn’t really feel right. But I felt great so it was ok. I didn’t feel like I was moving fast enough. But I was speaking faster than my brain understood and for a few minutes I couldn’t talk at all because my words were coming out jumbled. and I couldn’t speak without stuttering or making weird noises.
I didn’t really slow down as the day went on. I spent all of my money on a very elaborate pizza idea, which worked to my surprise. I talked “at” my brother most of the night, Then I went to bed at 11 and played Temple Run more. Again it was 1:30 when I checked the time again. and again I opted for sleep but I wasn’t tired and it was past 2:30 when I finally dropped off.
When I woke the next day at 9. I was up and out of bed straight away. I still felt great. It was my day off, so I wanted to make the most of it. I tidied my bedroom. I swept the floor and then I tidied the front room and then I swept that. And then the conservatory and swept that and then the kitchen which I cleaned, swept, mopped and cleaned the surfaces. Then I made pancakes and struggled to write anything about how I felt. I couldn’t get my feeling or ideas out and I kept starting new posts that were gradually worse and worse. I couldn’t concentrate on writing, I couldn’t concentrate on anything.
I couldn’t sleep Friday night. And I was woken up at 8:30 by a phone call from work asking me to work 9:30 – 6 I said yes without thinking, quickly got dressed and ran to work. I was still feeling great and very energetic. I was running around helping customers, making jokes and being levels of endearing I didn’t know I had. Far from the usual depressed hardly speaking version of me people are used to.
My energy levels were through the roof on Saturday I felt like I was losing control at one point because I had so much energy and no idea what to do with it. It was hard because as great as I felt, I wasn’t happy and I was feeling weird. I messed up a lot at work because my brain was moving faster than my hands. But I also fixed a broken printer for the cash register. Which made me feel great, I kept commenting on how they would have been screwed if I wasn’t there as I had fixed it and they needed it as we were so busy.
When I got home the internet wasn’t working and I went absolutely crazy. I got so angry I was yelling and hitting things my mum told me to calm down which didn’t help. I was getting overly angry, I could feel the anger and it was driving me crazy. I just wanted to punch something. The more my mum spoke the more I wanted to tell her to shut the hell up. So I just went to bed angry.
Today I woke up depressed and lethargic, back to how I used to feel. As much as I loved feeling great I hated it all as well. It didn’t feel right. I was scared of myself. I’m not sure what happened. no medication change, no environment or stress changes. I don’t know what caused it. I guess, in theory, this could have been a manic episode. This appointment on May 20th can’t come soon enough.
The Elephant in the Room